Whatever

25 more days til Christmas.

Ever been depressed you don't know what it's about?

I guess I don't really know what to say...

Silence. No words, laughing, smiling...nothingness...

Stomach Pains

Went to the doctors today. He said I had to watch what I eat, keep my diet light and drink liquids and soft foods for 3 to 4 days. By "watch your diet" he meant no pop, tea, milk, hamburger, fries, pizza, chicken nuggets, cheese burgers, milkshakes, malts, choco...late, candy, gum, suckers...

Couldn't get my antibiotic because my fuckin' asshole of a "father" let my insurance terminate. It fuckin' went out JUNE 1st, 2010!!! (Mom's gonna chew his ass out). Says in the divorce decree that he's suppose to keep up on the insurance on me til I turn 18.

Blegh. The pain flares. I'm fuckin' hungry, Esse! It gets annoying...

My day went ok. Wonder what I'm gonna do for 2nd period tomorrow...*sighs* Oh well...

Best Friends

"The sinking feeling of being a bad friend continues to plauge me. You needed me the most and I was too busy to listen. I'm not asking for a second chance because I don't deserve it. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being a shitty best friend."

We met in the 3rd and 4th grade. I was shy and soft spoken, you, were loud and brave. We clicked and became best friends. Time flew by as we became stronger and protected one another. Always by each others side, laughing, crying... You can't take that all away.

Never getting into any major fights because we couldn't... 

Things were perfect until that Summer of 2009. I said I'd never leave your side and yet I did. We grew closer apart rather than closer together. The whole time I was moving, I regreted every move I made, every breath I drew. I'd be leaving everything I'd loved. Everything I knew. I'd be leaving you.

I didn't mean to cause you any pain. God...if I could take it all back, I would. In a heartbeat. I wanna be as close as we were. Time goes on and we grow up...but why can't we just grow up together, like we always had?

I'm sorry... I know I don't have any room to talk, but I really am sorry...I just want you to forgive me and we go back to the way things were...even if we can't.

Nngh...

Back pain...makes it hard to sleep...

I need sleeping pills...

I want this sinking feeling to go away...

I wanna be able to sleep for 8 hours in the night...

I guess I don't really have much to say at this point...

More later, I guess...

Happy Thanksgiving!

32 days til Christmas.


HAPPY THANKSGIVING

I over stuffed myself....But dammit if it wasn't good! I had 2 slices of Pumpkin Pie...Mmmm....

My bro and his dad came over...My uncle had to much stomach pain (again) so he couldn't eat with us this year (again).

More Later.

Nada

Still 33 days til Christmas.

Last minute Thanksgiving shoppers...Hate to see the last minute Christmas shoppers....*shudders*

Tired, yet sleep continues to ellude me.

Having some family over tomorrow...Fun shit. Might take half of a sleeping pill...

Started writing a story...long handed, though. Talk about hand cramps...shit...

My back has been hurting, (Then again, when isn't it?) but whatever...

My stomach has been hurting hella lot...My friend is having stomach problems, so I might be drawing offa her or summit...

Yo!

33 days til Christmas...

Sleep continues to allude me.

Stayed up all night.

No school.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

Turkey
Potato's
Corn
Green Beans
Stuffing
Scalloped Potato's
Apple Pie
Pumpkin Pie

More Later.

kill

Still 34 days til Christmas.

It's 19 degrees outside. Wonder if my wet hair'll freeze if I go outside...

*shifty eyes*

Shhhh!

Numbness

34 days til Christmas!

My hands're slightly numb, making it hard to type. :(

Mom and I're shopping tomorrow...gonna get some ingrediants.

The weather is...cold. 29 degrees....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Not much to reply...

Bleh

35 days til Christmas!

Thanksgiving is in 3 days! Whoot! Gonna have Turkey, buns, Corn/green beans, mashed patatos, stuffing, pumpkin and apple pie! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! An orgasm for my stomach and mouth!

School is goin.

Been snowin, but the shit hasn't stuck. Fucker.

Skating  with the stars is a new show after Dancing with the Stars....Vince Neil, lead singer of Motley Crew is on! It'd be cool to see Nikki Sixx on ice...lol.

M

Addiction

By: Fragile Heartbeat

Sa5m’s POV

Kill me

Cut me

Shoot me

Rape me

Hit me

Smack me

Love me

Hate me

Get me high

Get me low

Get me happy

Make me sad

The choice is mine to make

I’m addicted again

I never meant to hurt you

Where do we go from here?

                 

SNOW!!!

IT'S FINALLY SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm SO fuckin' happy! WHOOTNESS!

BIg, fat snowflakes. It's covering the ground, roofs, cars, bushes, trees. and it's STAYING!

Let's go out and play in the snow!
**********************************************

My bed is still being taken over... Meh. I don't really mind too much. I just have a shit load of crap to do today....
*********************************

Only 2 days of school this week then it's THANKSGIVING!

Whoot!

Snooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow! :D:D:D

36 days til Christmas.

Suppose to snow!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Can't tell that I'm happy, can ya?

Muwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Lack of sleep. Make one sligthly loopy. Coco for cocopuffs!

Fruity for fruity loops...

Bannana...for the split?

Ice for the cream...

Peanut for the butter...

Jelly for the Jam.

Waiting Part 2

Pain.

Head pain.
Knee pain.

Blegh.

Waiting... Waiting.... Waiting....

Waiting part 1

They say the hard part is waiting... Waiting for what? Hell to freeze over? The zombie apocolypse?

No.

Waiting for everything.

Noise continues to surround me, envelope me. My head, feels like somebody or something is stabbing it constently. Napping helps with my tiredness...but not the pain.

While waiting my mind is constenly working. On what, I have no damn idea.

Fuck Them

Fuck the world. Everybody has their own prefrence.

Fuck what everybody else has left to say. If they don't care about them, why should we care about them?

You made a promise to stay in this fucked up world with me.

Everybody shows that they matter...it just takes a different view point on what the fuck is going on...

"Fuck the world, feed it beans, it gassed up you think thats stoppin me?" Not Afraid, Eminem.

By showing that you care, you're giving them the fuckin' advantage. Fuck what they think. They don't matter...

You Do.

Are you willing to throw that all away?

For something that somebody or people said?

Don't throw it all away.

Fuck that.

To Life!

37 days til Christmas.

Yes, I DID watch "Fiddler on the Roof".

I have the Indiana Jones theme stuck in my head.

Have a good weekend! Lord knows I will! :) :D >:3

What're We Doin'?

Why?
Why didn't you stop me?
Why did you let me
Walk out that door?

Why didn't you run after me?
You look so happy
Laughter in your voice

Me?
I'm not doin' to good
The pain is less
My memories fade

Y'see...
This guy I'm with
He's nothin' like you...
He doesn't have that Southern Charm

He doesn't know
How to make me smile
The way you do
He doesn't make me laugh...

What're we doin?
Are you truely happy?
Is anybody?

I don't know what to do
I'm lost and I can't find my way
What happened to the smiles
All the laughs
The good times?


What

Leo asked me one time if I regret making the choices I made. When I asked him what ones, he just said bout my life and stuff. I just chuckled and nodded. "Sometimes." I responded. He asked me a few days later and I shrugged. "I wished I was traveling around the world and partying..." I started, "But I have you guys, my pack...you guys're my family..." he chuckled. "We'd follow you, Sam. Always"

Looking back...I guess you could say I still have regrets. I told Mark point blank. "I'm not wife material. I'm no mother material. I'm a cold heared bitch and I hurt people's feelings..."

Ther'es still so much I wanna say...but how do I say it?

Meh.

Still 38 days til Christmas.


Went in to talk to my Human Anatamy teacher bout my "F" in that class, and she asked me if I needed this class to graduate, I said no, then she said, "Well, why don't you take a TA class instead of this one...Tell Mr. Duncan (Person who manages schedules) that I'm allowing you to drop the class." So I have to go in the morning and talk to him about it. So...I guess Senior Year is going to be easy...

Sigh...

Thanksgiving is next week. Only 2 days of school next week. (Monday and Tuesday)

Suppose to SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Just a lil...). I'm SO FREAKIN EXCITED!!!

I really want Pie... I dunno what kind...

A Friend to Me

38 days til Christmas.

It's after 1:30am and I should be in bed, sleeping.


No matter where we go
The places we're gonna go
The people we're gonna meet
These memories are playing
Like a sound without the band
We'll be friends
We'll walk away
But slowly break apart
When we look back
Will our jokes still be funny? When its time to say goodbye
Will we be ready?
Will it be a sad goodbye
or bittersweet?
We'll go our seperate ways
Find our own ways
Can we survive it out there?
Will my memories fade
When I leave this town?
Will we cry?
Will we laugh?
But you've always been a friend to me
No matter where we go
Places that we'll see
All the laughs
All the yelling
All the smiles
I guess what I'm tryin gto say is...
It's not goodbye
No... It's more like...
Until we meet again

Rocky Horror Picture Show

39 days til Christmas.

Glee did an episode called, "Rocky Horror Glee Show" Been obsessed with the song "Touch A Touch A Touch A Me"

A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving is on this Thursday!

24-26th off!

Senior Pictures will be in next week!

Not hungry. Don't eat.

Don't sleep anymore. Been going to sleep at 2 and 3am...Why me?

Gonna watch the RHPS this weekend.

Finish watching Glee...All caught up!

Gonna watch the "Tooth Fairy" and Steve Austin's movie.

Started on my Christmas list...

Back Pain

40 days til Christmas.

Got a new Ipod.
I named him Squishy
He's not the same
As good ol' Fluffy

Fluffy was my favorite
Out of all the best
Squishy is rebound
Forever in the ever

Fluffy will be remembered
For his long battery life
and all the songs he held
I had him in perfect order

Until the night came
For his tragic death
I'm sorry I washed you, Fluffy
Please come back to me.

Glee

41 days until Christmas.

I have fallen in love with Glee. A gay character named Kurt. A bad boy named Puck. Kurt's so adorable! I now have a Kurt and Puck muse! *squees*

"Once upon a midnight dreary. While I pondered, weak and weary...so I fucking left..." haha...Hospital Humor.

My uncle is back in the hospital and will hopefully be released tomorrow.

So much to do and so little time to do it. Ah, Life. Thou art a heartless bitch. (Same goes for drama)

My schedule is OFFICIALLY changed! :) Semester 2 will look like this.

SR Comp/COE
Career Choices (TA)
Money and Math
CWP
SR COMP/Culteral English
Early Release.

Whoot! :)

*sigh* IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIn other news....

Same shit, different day.

Get up
Go to school
Sit in class
Listen to teacher drabble on
Go home
Homework
Chores
Hang with friends
Computer
Watch TV
Bed

Repeat.

My life is on repeat. Nothing new...nothing interesting. I'm like a robot. Constently doing everything over and over again...

More later...

Whee.... -.-

43 days til Christmas.


43 days til I get to get up early and open presents. 
43 days til I get to watch Christmas movies on TV...(Get to do that on Christmas Eve and close to Christmas).

I'll miss the snow, but I'll see it next year!

Need more Christmas decorations.

Need some new converse shoes.

Need...more Candy Canes. 

Ode to Thee

Ode to Thee

Ode to thy love

Thy tears thee shed

Not in joy, but in sorrow

For thy heart is bestowed

By thy words of hatred

Does thy not love thee no more?

Please, my love, heath thy call

I shall not love another

For thy heart lies with thee

Even in death.

My Answer

My Answer

By: Sammiface

You want me to take you back

To give you a second chance

My heart screams yes

It’s full of love

My gut says yes

It’s full of reasoning

My head doesn’t care either way

It’s fickle like that

I love you so much

The time we spent apart

Was like hell on earth

So, my rebellious Biker Man

My answer is

Yes, I’ll take you back.

Lolita

Lolita

By: Tempi

Italics: Singing of the song…

            It was past midnight when she got home/ the lights were off and no sound from within/ She knew somethin’ was wrong/ She opened the door and found her lovers dead on the floor/ the note in his hand read ’You Lied’/ 

The riff from her guitar strung out, drums faded and all you heard was the ‘Dum, Dum, thumpa’ from the bass. Her throat hurt, but she had to make it past and through this song.

She hit her knees/praying it was a dream/Tears coursed down her face/ s-he didn’t realize the truth/ she felt the shame/ the lighting flashed/ she reached for the gun/ she put it to her temple and pulled/ she said she found her happiness…/

She ripped a solo, slow but steady. She ran her hand down the neck of her guitar, memorized. Finally, she put her lips by the mic and sang.

Even in death she smiled/she once said she welcomed it/She wasn’t afraid/The once starry night is now fogged/ She had her dreams/She had her pride/

Tony jumped into his drum solo. Pounding and snapping the symbols, the bass heard.

It was past midnight when she got home/ She knew something was wrong/ Oh yeah yeah/ She knew/ but she ne-ver told/ oh whoa w-hoa…/

Everything faded out, going into silence.

God Given Solace

God given Solace

You are my God given Solace

My light in the dark

You help me find my way

When I’m lost and can’t find the light

I see you at the end of the tunnel

Your smiling face

You’re waiting, hands outstretched

You’ve been there for me

When nobody else was

But when our loyalty was tested

I knew I could always count on you

All because you’re my God given Solace

When I'm gone

When I’m gone

By: Fragile Heartbeat

                I watched my casket being lowered; I watched my dad and brother trying to be strong. I watched my husband and mate crying, trying to remain strong. I watched my daughter tug on Randy’s pant leg, asking “Where’s mommy going? Isn’t mommy coming back? She promised she would read me a story, daddy, where’s mommy going?” I watched Randy break down in tears and hold her close. I watched my pack sobbing. Watched Nate break down for the first time; I heard him say they’ve lost more than an alpha, more than a comrade. They lost a best friend, a sister, a leader. I watched my family break down; I watched as dad started crying. The strongest man I know…crying. He lost his wife, his mate…now he lost his daughter. He only has Dean left. I watched him walk off and look up at the sky, begging and pleading. I heard him say, “I need her back. I need my baby girl. You took my wife from me…why did you take my daughter? My lil girl? I just got her back. It’s too soon. Please. Bring her back to me.” I watched him hit his knees, sobbing. I watched Shawn crying as he spoke the words that would bound me to the ground forever. Watched as Kura read when he couldn’t talk. Watched my pack huddle together, trying to remain strong for the other. Watched the once strong pack stand still, eyes all misty and trying to stay strong. My heart broke.

                I watched Eddie consol Rey. Telling him that he’s with me; that he’ll watch over me, to keep me safe; I watched as Jeff looked up, tears going down his face. Watched as Mark spoke to my grave; I heard them all talking, crying, sobbing. Why me? Why did I have to go? All I did was cause them pain. I guess you don’t realize what you had been a good thing until it’s gone. They never took advantage of me. They’re all too afraid of me. I smiled down at them and I finally spoke as they all heard me.

                “I love you guys. Stay together. Mommy’s in a better place now. Mommy’s not in pain anymore, baby. I’m watching over you now, smiling down at you. I’m always with you. In your heart, forever and for always; I’m in your dreams at night. So don’t mourn, rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. So carry on. I didn’t feel a thing. Keep smiling, laughing and joking around. I’m just a prayer away. This isn’t goodbye. It’s never goodbye. I’m never leaving you. Mommy will read you that story, baby. I’ll push you on the swings. I’ll kiss you goodnight. Hug you in the morning. I may be gone physically…but I’m never gone mentally.  Stay strong. Remain happy. I’m proud of you. Proud of how far we got in life, how much you grew up. Listen to Nate. I’ll always be your alpha. I’ll always lead you. I’m guiding you. I’ll lead you into life. I’ll lead you into death. I’ll lead you into happiness and sadness. I’ll lead you into anything and everything. I’m so proud of you guys. I’ve got to go now for the time being…I love you guys.”

Happy Vetrens Day!

44 days until Christmas!

My day...was uneventful. Slept in. Went to AppleBees and ate....

Now, I'm cleaning and doing my homework... :/

Should do laundry... *sighs*

I'm starting to *not* like this new time change...Keeps fuckin' with me.

My back hurts, my knees've been fuckin with me...BLAH!

I lost my favorite ring. My thumb feels really weird....

Beautiful by Eminem

I loved you at one time
I'm happy for you
Everytime I hear your name
My head spins
I can't breath
I need to get away

I'm running down an endless hallway
Mirrors all around
What am I running from?
Who am I running from?

I'm running from myself
I lost it along the way
So absorbed in impressing
That the real me faded

My reflection is nothin' more
Thank a blurr in the mirror
The smoke hasn't cleared

I look into the mirror
What I see is me...
I think..
A younger me

Telling me that I'm wrong
What I see in the mirror
is what I'll be...
She said that

"You'll never be the old you..."
The mirror cracks
They all tumble down
Cutting my skin

Why can't I be me again?
The answers are all right in front of me
But I can't reach them.

Why is this happening?
It all grows dimmer
The lights start fading

Maybe when I wake up
I'll be me

Meh

45 days til Christmas!


No school tomorrow!

24-26 off for Thanksgiving.

Gonna have a big turkey...mashed potatos...Pumpkin, Cherry and Apple pie....corn, greenbeans, buns...mmm...My bro and his dad might come over, like last year. Watch some football...take a nap...lol...stuff myself silly and gain a shit ton of weight from all the left overs and the dinner... :)

Onomnom....

I've started making my Christmas list...

Got my candy canes.

Mmmmm!

Lock and Key

46 days until Christmas.



Not even Hot Chocolate can warm me up...

I'm talking with my best friend and I realized...the more I talk to her...the more I wanna go see her. I wanna see the snow, the slush...Make snow angels....All that stuff...Y'know? I wanna make Frosty the Snowman and take pictures....

I want my life back.

I keep thinking about what would've happened if I never moved to Vancouver...What kind've person I'd be...There are some advantages to moving out here, though. I got t'know Kattehshack....Make new friends, be a different person, while still being me...

Hate being away from my friends...the snow...my snow...

I should start making my Christmas list...

Lat.

Monday

47 days until Christmas


I'm going to be up all night.
For I took a nap on a Monday
Which I never do

Guess I was more tired than I thought
I hate taking naps....cause then I wake up feeling sick.

My head hurts. My stomach hurts. I wanna vomit...

Blegh. Over all, it sounds like a normal Monday to me. 

Except...

NEW TIME CHANGE! WE GO BACK AN HOUR!!!!! >.<

Any who...*cough cough*

Snow Blues

Twinkling lights of blues and reds

Add in some yellows and greens

The tree all jazzed up

With presents underneath

Family all around

Laughing and joking around

When I go to look outside

To my greatest disappointment

There is no snow

The cold but beautiful flakes

Aren’t around this year

They were absent last year

I can’t make Frosty the Snowman

I can’t make Snow Angels

I can’t throw snow balls at anybody

It’s not Christmas without snow

No matter how hard I wish

No matter how hard I plead and beg

I still don’t get my snow

I miss my friends

I miss jumping into snow banks

Miss the way the Christmas lights

Would illuminate the snow

Just walking in the slush

Having the coldness hit my face

Or the way the coldness would fog my glasses

Makes it all worth it

My one Christmas wish this year

Is to have my snow back

...

48 days until Christmas.


Started putting up my Christmas decorations for my room. Yay.

School is boring.
This new time change...eh...Dunno yet.

Cleaning.is.a.bitch.

What else to say?

I miss snow.
I miss winter.

It's not Christmas without snow.

Fragile Heartbeat

49 days until Christmas.

Friends will knock before entering
Best Friends will just enter

Friends will offer you comfort when your heart is broken
Best Friends will go out and beat the shit outta the person who broke it.

Friends will visit you in jail
Best Friends will be sitting next to you saying, "Well...we fucked up!"

Friends will call your parents Mr./Mrs.
Best friends will call them Mom/Dad

Friends ask you questions about you
Best Friends know more about you than yourself and vise versa

Friends will hand you a tissue to cry in
Best Friends will lend you their shoulder

~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~

I Love my friends more than my family. Hell, they ARE my family.

Nothin' much goin' on in my lil world...Started putting up my Christmas decorations for my room...Listening to Christmas music...Finally found some Candy Canes...Yaay! (*Now all we need is some snow...*)

What do you do when it all falls apart?

Blegh. I'm tired...my feet hurt...my back hurts...

Haven't had a nightmare in over 2 whole damn days!

I'm bored.

I don't wanna clean...but I should...

Blagh.

More Later peeps.

Nightmares/Betrayal

Every smile
Every laugh
Every kiss
Every hug
Every touch
Every word
Every moment
Every minute
Every hour
Every second
Every millisecond

Was it all a lie?

You've spun your web
You've strung me along
Your the master
I'm your puppet

You move me to the beat of your rhythm
Never once caring about me

Every 'I love you'
Every 'I hate you'
Every 'I need you'
Every 'Thank you'
Every 'Help me'
Every 'Why'

Why do you do this to me?

You cut the strings
As I lay helpless
My eyes are like glass
Only reflecting my pain
My movements are still
My limbs like cement

Nightmares continue to plague me
Every night
I'm afraid to open my eyes
In fear that you'll be standing over me

I'm afraid to go to sleep
Do I dare to dream a helpless dream?
Do I dare succumb to the sandman?
Can't anything save me from you?

Why are you taunting me?
Why are you plaguing me?
What did I do to you?

Won't you release me from your hellish grip?

I want to dream a dream...
I want to have a peaceful sleep...

I don't want to get up at 3 in the morning
Staying awake
Afraid of closing my eyes
When I'm asleep...
Afraid to open my eyes...

My heart...
Beats a little faster
My hands
Shake a little faster
My eyes
Cry a little harder
My voice
becomes a little softer
My whim
Becomes nothing but a shred
My hope
Becomes a dream
My dreams
Become a fantasy
My nightmares
Are scaring the living holy shit outta me

I'll stay awake at night
Wishing for no nightmares to plague me
Until then

May the sandman not find me tonight

School

School sucks.

My backpack is too heavy.

I text in class...the teacher knows and doesn't do anything...

I'm bored.

Friendship

I miss my friends
I miss my home
I miss my bestie

I miss my hometown
I miss my snow
I miss the cold

I miss the warmth
I miss the laughter
I miss the small town

I miss everything
I want to go back
I miss my memories

I'm going back
I'll have my memories
I'll have my friends

They say pictures are a 1000 words
My memories with my friends are priceless
Our time spent together is timeless

I'll see you this Christmas, my friends
Until then, Know this.
I'm missing you everyday

I regret moving out here
Being so far away from you
But moving out here
Has opened up alot of new doors.

It has helped me discover myself
In ways that I couldn't think imaginable
I'll always be your Sammy

I love you guys
See you soon!

Pains

I feel like I should write a story...but I don't know how to start it off...

My back hurts.
Have cramps in my back and legs and stomach

I'm obsessed with Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler

I have pigtails in today! hehehe....(My friend loves seein me in pigtails...)

Foggy, cloudy, rainy. Suppose to rain all week... -.-

I'm sooooo ready for SNOW!! (Been ready since I moved here...)

I'm totally ready to put up my Christmas decorations! (For anybody that knows me, they'll know that Christmas is my all time favorite holiday)

Wish Thanksgiving was here already, dammit!

*sighs softly* Oh well...

Wish it was February...Then I'll be 18!!! :):):):):):):):)

Peace & Luv
Sa5mwise

Point of no Return

(*I wrote this in 1st period instead paying attention...I had to get it out...Don't worry. I'm not dying*)

Where is the point of no return? How can we get back something that we never had in the first place? Everybody smiling, laughing and joking around...How do we know we've had enough? Where's that line? We're all being played. Everybody has to follow the fucking rules or nobodies happy.

How do we distinguish between wrong or right? Nobody will notice when you go missing...To them, you're just another girl, another person, another damn body. Parents just think that you're just another mouth to feed...

Nobody notices your pain. Nobody pays attention. You fake a smile to let them think that you're alright. Sure, other people have got it worse. I get that. I really do.

What happens when you've had enough? When you can't go on?

Where did this darkness come from? I break down in tears everyday and I don't know what I'm crying about. Why is this happening to me? Nobody knows whats going on...My mom thinks everything alright...

She thinks I'm a happy go lucky person...All smiles...All laughs...How do I tell her that I'm in a funk? All I want is to be left alone. I don't want to see a shrink...I don't want to be on pills...locked up. I just want to be me. Why can't you just leave me alone?

I don't want to smile. I don't want to eat...I want to sleep and never wake up...Do I dare to dream? Dream of false hope? What's happen when I pick up that knife and cut? Will it make me feel better? Maybe not...but maybe it'll take the edge off.

What happens when we've reached rock bottom? Feelings, emotions...I'm crying and I don't know why...Everyday...Every night...Nightmares continue to plague my dreams. they keep me awake and into the dawn...

Where is the point of no return? When I find it...

I'll let you know.