2/28/11 Feb. Do I, Luke Bryan

One of the guys said that this song is for me, from them.


Baby, what are we becoming?
It feels just like we're always running
Rolling through the motions every day

I could lean in to hold you
Or act like I don't even know you
Seems like you could care less either way

What happened to that girl I used to know?
I just want us back to the way we were before

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love? Am I'm still enough?
Tell me, don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby

Give you everything that that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?
Baby, do I?

Remember when we didn't have nothing
But a perfect simple kind of loving?
Baby, those sure were the days

There was a time our love ran wild and free
But now I'm second guessing everything I see!

Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love? Am I'm still enough?
Tell me, don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby

Give you everything that that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?

Baby, do I still give you what you need?
Still take your breath away?
Light up the spark way down deep?
Baby, do I?!

Whoa! Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?
Do I have your love? Am I'm still enough?
Tell me, don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby

Give you everything that that you ever wanted?
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?
Tell me baby, do I get one more try? Do I?
Baby, do I?

2/25/11----> What To Do...

I'm feeling like it's over with Mark. My heart... Just doesn't feel anything anymore... It's like the love just isn't there anymore... Not like it used too... I feel like... I'm not feeling anything... Like.. I don't love anybody anymore... That they're just... There...

It sucks... I'm not in a funk... I'm not feeling... Anything. Like I'm numb... And I can't get un-numb. I don't know how I can really explain it... I'm at a loss at what do say... Like I've... Fallen out of love with Mark...

I don't even see how Randy, Hunter, Taker or Jeff are even still with me... I don't even spend hardly any time with them anymore...

Oh God... Is this it? Is this finally it? Is my relationship with him over? My love for him isn't there anymore... Nothing is... I'm not stressed... I'm not tired... I don't know what to do anymore... I keep looking back... Hoping for a spark... Even if it's just a little one... But nothing's there...

What am I gonna do?  What... Can I do?

2/23/11-- Willowing Roses

You say you love me

But you really don’t

You’re just using me

Just like everybody else

You never loved me

No matter how many times you say

Move on from me

Get the fuck out of my life

If all you’re going to do is cheat

I don’t care about you

Yeah, I’m pissed

But I’m not going to cry over you

Not ever again

All you did was lie to my face

Over and over again

I guess I shouldn’t expect anything less

Coming from a playboy like you

I’m surprised you stayed this long

You’re good

But I’m better

Maybe I played into the delusion

A little to long

Thinking that maybe you’ll stay

I’m done with you

I’m done with all your games

I’m done with your fucking bullshit

Leave me be

Go be with someone who cares

I cared about you

In the beginning

And maybe throughout

I thought that you’d be here for me

Through thick and thin

But your true colors show

Why can’t you leave me alone?

It’s the same old words

That goes with the same old story

Do you think I’m going to fall for it again?

Man, you’re delusional

Man up and leave me alone

Because baby, I’ve stopped loving you.

Hm... 2/22/11

If you could take it all back, would you?

If you could say that you’re sorry, would you?

If you could start again, would you?

Do you ever regret it all?

How many times do I have to say I’m sorry?

How many times do I have to show it?

Why do you hate me?

Even if you say you don’t,

Your eyes say it all

I guess you never loved me at all

I guess we have nothing left to say

You say you’re sorry

Over and over again

It’s the same old story

The same old words

You and me

We can’t be together

We can’t love each other

The chance is over

Then again

Was there any chance at all?

What?

I wish I could tell you

What’s going on

Or even what’s wrong

But how can I tell you

If I don’t know myself?

I wish I could tell you

That I’m all smiles today

I wish I could offer you

An answer to your question

I’m in an empty void

It’s not full

Not yet empty

The lines run deep

How I yearn to tell you

The absolute truth

But I can’t

Why?

Because I don’t know

This is the end

Of our long journey

I wish you luck

I’m sorry

Hurt

Hurt

“I hurt myself today/ Too see if I still feel/ I focus on the pain” – Hurt, Johnny Cash

The silence is deafening

As stare at these four white walls

In hopes of finding joy

My body is empty

My mind… Is numb

I cannot feel joy

The only thing I feel is pain

As I slide the knife down my wrist

In hopes in finding some relief

Nothing comes… Just… Numb

How many times have I let you down?

How many times have I hurt you?

I try to rid of the pain

But I remember it all

I remember your teary eyes

As I tell you to go away

My words are harsh, I know

Everyone I know goes away

I hurt myself today

The knife gripped tight in my hand

As I watch the crimson covers the blade

I wish that I didn’t have to do this

I wish you were here with me

In this thing we call life

But you aren’t

I wish you could join me

In this sweet oblivion

I will make you hurt

I will make you cry

I will… Make you bleed

I will find a way

To have you join me

But until then

I’ll sit in the middle of my floor

Staring at these four white walls

Hurting.

Now What?

I guess everything is just falling apart and I'm just standing by and watching it happen. I guess I don't know what to do anymore... It just feels like everything is going to shit and I'm just... Standing still. Like time is going by and I'm frozen in my spot. Unable to help. Unable to scream or shout. I'm unable to cry out. I'm unable to feel any emotion except one. I'm able to feel the overbearing, over burdening weight of pain. I kept pushing away Mark and everybody else too the point that I pushed them all away to far and I can't seem to get them back. Did I really have them in the first place? Did I have a good, solid grasp on them? My eyes are tired of crying... My heart is tired of hurting. My gut is tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sick and tired. Everything is so confusing now and I just want it to the way it all was before. Where everybody was happy and there were no worries. But I guess the truth comes out and we aren't the people we claim to be anymore. I guess we just created ourselves and started believing in what we weren't.... I guess I have no buisness preaching about that type of shit when I fucked up my own relationship with my own mates... I fucked up with Mark and I keep ignoring Randy and Hunter... I guess, in the end, we always go running to the one we will always and truely love. I love Randy and Hunter with all my heart... Same with Jeff... I told them all from the very start I'm not going to divide my love. How do we fix what seems to be unfixable? Do I have to say Goodbye my lover... Goodbye my friend? Can't I just hold you in my arms once more and pretend that nothing had ever gone wrong? We all learn from our mistakes and hopefully learn from them... But it's just mistake after mistake. Heartache after heartache. Crying after crying... I hate drama. I avoid it at any cost I can... But I guess in the end... It's always going to be there. It's not going away...

Samwise.

Hallelujah

Hallelujah!

You drew those sweet words through my lips...
Head tilted as I arched my back
Never caring who heard
Over and over

Only you could do that to me
Now it's all gone...
Those words don't pass through my lips anymore
What happened?

No need to feel guilty...
Why bother when their's nothing to feel guilty for?
Don't fret
Don't cry

It'll pass soon...
Only if you believe, I guess
But if you don't...
I don't know anymore...

Sound of Silence

"Hello Darkness my old friend. I've come t'talk with you again." -- Simon and Garfunkel, Sound of Silence

What shall we talk about?
Shall we talk how you are my comfort zone?
The silence is defending

Lets talk about how you are my life
Darkness, my old friend
How we all live
In the silence

What shall I tell you?
How I seem to push everybody away?
But yet, you still remain close

How I hurt everybody
But you still stay close
As hard as I try to push you away
You still remain the closest

I guess we both are still living
In the Sound of Silence...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

HOLY SHIT! I'M OFFICALLY 18!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):)
I'm so happy... lol.

Gonna go have fun with my friends... lol.

More later.

Blabber.

Got some birthday stuff in the mail today. I ordered my cake yesterday. XD. It's SCOOBY DOO! Hehehehe... I will always remain a kid at heart. God... I can't believe I'm going to be 18... Holy Shit, dude! I'll be legal... No more underage stuff... What am I gonna do?!
It's windy and it's 56 degrees outside. We're do for a rain storm... I miss all the old good thunderstorms we got in Marshall... *sighs*

My online class is going ok. Takes a long time to do though... I spent... 7 hours on it last night... Here's what you have to do:

Tutorial (Notes)
Practice (Writing down all the work and problems)
Mastery Test. (Final) 

Repeat for each and every lesson.

I have to pass this class in order for me to graduate. *sighs softly* Cause I failed 1st semester (But I'm doing alot better this semester...). It'll be easy. My classes are as followed:

1st-- Senior Composition (English)
2nd-- TA for Wing Clerk (Run errands, pick up stuff)
3rd-- Money and Math (My online class, also)
1st Lunch
4th-- CWP (Contemp. World Problems, a class I need to graduate)
5th-- Senior Composition/Contemp. Culture (or something like that... New class)
6th-- Early Release (I get out after 5th which ends at 1:05pm)

So yeah... My classes... Whoot... (*NOT!*)

I dread cleaning... I keep putting it off, lol.

My mom's gonna make me pay her rent... Shee--it! lol.

Mark's doing ok. Been doing his thing all day... (*Which is be near me, watch me, and hold me*) No, he hasn't done all that today... (*Give him a chance, he will*) He's actually off sleeping. It's... 4:05pm. You won't wake him up even if a bomb goes off next to the man. My cat, Angel is all cuddled up on him. It's adorable!

My throat's been hurting alot lately... (*Just started last night...*) Might of been when I smoked, but I highly doubt it. Hurts to cough alot... I nearly lost my voice this morning... It sucked....

Well... I guess it's off to clean!

Bye!

lol

So... I think I'm losing my voice... My throat hurts like hell... Had a weird dream that I don't really remember...

Gonna clean and do some more of my online class...

Random.

"Maybe if I dance, the pain will go away and I'll get lost in the music..."
-- Sa5mwise.

Mark.

How do you say goodbye
To the person that loves you?
How do you get past that?
How do you get past them?
After all they've done for you...

And this is how you treat him...

Hurting him over and over again..
Testing his limits each time
Until he finally snaps
Packing up my stuff
Telling me to leave
He never wants to see me again.

Mark, c'mon! Please!
No! Get the hell out!
Baby... Please!
GET OUT!

I left the ranch that night..
Sad and angry at myself.
I could go anywhere
But all I want his for him to hold me...
But I guess I threw that all away
For some other guy

I went home that night
Went into my dads office
As he looked up
Tears slowly made their way down my face
As he asked me whats wrong

Mark packed my shit and kicked me out.
Want me to go kick his ass?
No... Would it be worth it?
Why did he kick you out?
I was unfaithful-- Again.

Dean said it was bound to happen sooner or later
Said he wanted me to find out for myself
Well, big brother, looks like I found out
I guess I found out sooner... Then later...

It's nobodies fault but myself...
My nerves are frazzled..
My mind is in a whirlwind.
My heart continues to beat on.

You want a what?
I want a divorce
For what?!
Because you're a no good cheater.
Mark... Please...
No. I'm not forgiving you this time, Sam.

He still must have been angry..
Hurt and pain read in his eyes
It's all because of me...

I sit with my back against the headboard of my bed
I know it's foolish of me to do this
Even if I was unfaithful...
Still gave me no right...

I guess I brought it upon myself...
Nobodies fault but mine
The knife lays in my lap
Ready to go...

I re-read the note I left for him...
If he even cares...

Mark...

I can't tell you how sorry I am for being unfaithful-- again. I guess I was pushing your limits each and every time I went to some other guy... I don't blame you... Not at all... I pushed you too far and you packed my bags, screaming at me as you demanded for a divorce... The papers are on your desk, I already signed them. They're just waiting your signature. So much for 'Always and Forever' huh? Tell the kids mom won't be there to help them anymore... That I love them...

I'll always love you, Mark... No matter what. I'll still consider you a close friend. I'll tell Eddie you say Hey.

Love,
Sam.

I set the note on my nightstand
As I killed myself
Leaning back on the headboard
I finally smiled
Tears dripping from my closed eyes.

It's not goodbye I always used to say. It's just saying "Until I see you next time"

Unfaithful by: Rihanna.

(*My ipod was on shuffle last night and it came upon this song...*)


Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

He's more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
The clouds are rolling in
Because I'm gone again
And to him I just can't be true

And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

I feel it in the air
As I'm doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss upon my cheek
As he reluctantly
Asks if I'm gonna be out late
I say I won't be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn't have to tell
Because we both know
Where I'm about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer

Our love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don't wanna do this
Anymore
Uh
Anymore (anymore)

I don't wanna do this anymore
I don't wanna be the reason why
And everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
And I don't wanna hurt him anymore
I don't wanna take away his life
I don't wanna be...
A murderer (a murderer)

No no no no

Yeah yeah yeah

I think this sums me up in a nutshell

I'm just your average 17 year old.
I'm not daddy's little girl
I'm not preppy.
I'm not a girly-girl.
I hate pink.
My friends rock my world.

Piss me off and I'll go Rambo on your ass, bitch.
Gain my trust. I don't hand it out.
Be a friend or get lost.
I'm not here to impress you or anybody.
Society can kiss my ass.

I don't live for you.
I live for me.
I live for the moment.
I may appear spoiled.
It's quite the opposite.

I have morals.
I have pride
I have honor
I have my ego.

Poetic Conversation/Arguement

(*This poem is consisting of mine, and some of the guys from the pack's conversations... Thought it would be kinda neat*)

I don’t do promises

                How come?

Because promises get broken

                                Then what do you go on?

                I swear

Oh.

                You disappointed?

No.

You shouldn’t worry about me.

                Why?

                                Because I’m not worthy.

Is that what you think?

                                                Yeah. I do.

We’re still gonna worry.

                                                                No point.

Why?

                                Not worthy.

I Love You

                Why?

                                Why not?

I’m not loveable.

                                You are.

No. I’m not.

                                                Yes. You are.

No!

                You’re scared of opening up.

I am.

                You shouldn’t be.

                I’m scared

Of what?

                                Why you love me.

Why?

                Nobody ever did.

Then they’re fools.

You’re stubborn.

                I am.

                                Too stubborn

Your point?

                You’re stubborn

You deserved what you got.

                                                How?!

I told you to stay away.

They’re fools.

                Who?

People.

                                Why?

                They don’t see a good thing when they see it.

You’re the fool.

You know what?

                What?

                                I think…

                You think?

What?

                That I love you too.

Packers/News

PACKERS WON THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOT!

I don't know where to start this... Y'know?

Violent

I've been in a violent, murderous mood as of late... Could be with the dreams I'm having... Or something... It's fucked up. I've been dreaming of slaughtering everybody I care about... It's simmering... Slowly waiting it's time.

"Maybe I wanna see that pretty crimson on the outside." I said before I stabbed him, but a regular knife wouldn't have any effect on a demon like him. I smirked darkly as I stabbed him another. He looked at me in shock. "Have a nice trip back to hell." I said before he dropped. I walked towards Shannon, "Why?!" He cried out, holding his stomach. I didn't reply as I stabbed his chest, blood poured out of his lips as I merely watched. I slaughtered everybody in the house as I dropped the knife, turning back. "Why? You ask me... I... Don't know..." I replied back before I left. Being a rogue were, the most wanted.

Yeah... Pretty fucking weird, huh? I think so! *shudders*

Well, Well, Well...

So apparently I'm a rude and sarcastic bitch and that I hurt people's feelings... I already knew I was a bitch... Whatever, dude. Don't need any bad juju right now.

Funny story. Mom thought our truck was dying so we took it into the shop and it turns out she was looking at the wrong gage thing the whole time. It was hilarious. I laughed my ass off.

Now... I'm bored as fuck... Slightly tired... Slightly hungry... I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, need to do laundry...

Bitchy and Pissed Off Mood

I don't even know where to fucking start! I'm way to pissed to even type it all out. I'm fucking pissed off and I'm bitchy. My words will hurt you. So, if you don't like it, go fucking die somewhere because nobody will fucking miss you. You'd be doing the world a huge fucking favor!