Now What?

I guess everything is just falling apart and I'm just standing by and watching it happen. I guess I don't know what to do anymore... It just feels like everything is going to shit and I'm just... Standing still. Like time is going by and I'm frozen in my spot. Unable to help. Unable to scream or shout. I'm unable to cry out. I'm unable to feel any emotion except one. I'm able to feel the overbearing, over burdening weight of pain. I kept pushing away Mark and everybody else too the point that I pushed them all away to far and I can't seem to get them back. Did I really have them in the first place? Did I have a good, solid grasp on them? My eyes are tired of crying... My heart is tired of hurting. My gut is tired of being tired. I'm tired of being sick and tired. Everything is so confusing now and I just want it to the way it all was before. Where everybody was happy and there were no worries. But I guess the truth comes out and we aren't the people we claim to be anymore. I guess we just created ourselves and started believing in what we weren't.... I guess I have no buisness preaching about that type of shit when I fucked up my own relationship with my own mates... I fucked up with Mark and I keep ignoring Randy and Hunter... I guess, in the end, we always go running to the one we will always and truely love. I love Randy and Hunter with all my heart... Same with Jeff... I told them all from the very start I'm not going to divide my love. How do we fix what seems to be unfixable? Do I have to say Goodbye my lover... Goodbye my friend? Can't I just hold you in my arms once more and pretend that nothing had ever gone wrong? We all learn from our mistakes and hopefully learn from them... But it's just mistake after mistake. Heartache after heartache. Crying after crying... I hate drama. I avoid it at any cost I can... But I guess in the end... It's always going to be there. It's not going away...

Samwise.