My dearest... Fluffball?
Let me be the first to apologize on ignoring you for so long. I guess I haven't been blogging like I should have and I'm sorry for that. (I'm sure Kat is sorry, also, lol).
It's finally July. Just two more months and then I'm off to college. I'll have my snow and my thunderstorms back! ^w^ ~
Just two more months and then I'm on my own. I'll be off into the real world and it'll be fucked up. lol.
Sleepless nights have once again been following me. For the past few weeks (or fuck... ever since July started, but mostly the past few weeks) I've noticed that my sleeping patterns have changed. (It's kind of hard not too, lol). I'll stay up all night and then I'll sleep all day. Fucked up, isn't it? I think my internal body clock is finally like, "Wait, why are we having Samwise going to bed so early?! It's summer! She ALWAYS stays up all night and sleeps all day during the summer!" (Sarcasm) So I'm glad that my internal body clock decided to catch up in the times with me... NOT!
I haven't cleaned my room since... May... I think... It's along time for a room to be all messy. BUT! There is no trash or dirty dishes laying around. Or pop cans and/or water bottles. :)
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that mom and my uncle are moving to Walla Walla, WA? I hear that WW, WA get's hella thunderstorms. L-U-C-K-Y!!
My two friends are pregnant and they're both having daughters. They named their kids: Shyloh (For reference, watch Repo! The Genetic Opera) and Ember. (No reference for that... lmao)
My life has been... Bleak, I guess to say. Sleeping all day leaves me with like... NO energy whatssoever. I guess you could say that it pisses me off some, but it's whatever. My excuse is, "Getting all the sleep I get because once I leave for college, I can't sleep in unless it's the weekends and holidays, and I'm lucky to even sleep in on the weekends"
Oh! Speaking of college... I GOT INTO THE DORMS!!!! I'LL BE STAYING THERE THE ENTIRE YEAR I'M AT SCHOOL!
I'm just a TAD excited, lol. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy about that. I've been going through my clothes and books and DVD's and whatever else I'm going to pack with me to TAKE to the dorms and WHAT NOT to take with me. Makes sense, right? I think it does... So FUCK YOU! lol. :)
I dunno... I guess that's it for now. I'll blog back later. :)
Ciao,
Samwise.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
From me, to you.
I am a whisper in the wind as my body harbors the thing called my soul. I am nothing more than a name with a face as I offer my silent opinion, tending to stay in the corner and be by myself rather than go out and socialize. I silently watch the crowd in front of me, offering a small, hidden, smile, to those to pass me by as my thoughts try to process. The loud, rumble, of what I once thought was peace is now something destructive as it brings me nothing but pain and sorrow. The voices constantly grow louder as my guilt constantly stabs and prods my every thought, my every move, my every word.
I cry alone from the pain of constantly being alone. With all my friends, I am still constantly and will always be alone. My friend's don't notice as I put on that happy face, but when I get home, the facade drops as the tears start rushing down my face. The pain of knowing that I am mearly a face in the crowd, knowing that I am replaceable, brings me down.
Shall I do everybody a favor and continue to be non- existent? I'm sorry I'm not brash and wild like you, but I like being conscious, I like being aware, and I like being in control of my emotions and myself. It brings me peace of mind in knowing what I'm doing is right instead of something that's completely wrong. I'm me and you're you. I'm not going to change anything about me to try and please you. Honestly, if you even try and take the time to get to know me, I'm more... Loud and brash... I'm more talkative. But nobody ever does take the time.
I'm comfortable in my own skin... Most of the time. Sure, I want to be skinny. I want to fit into my favorite clothes and say that everything will be okay. The face staring back at me in the mirror is one that I hardly even recognize anymore. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even know what my values are... If I even had any.
Sleepless nights do nothing with these stupid mind fucks. I lay, curled up in the middle of my floor, sobbing. The pain is intense and I just want to be held and told that everything will be okay... That the pain will eventually fade. I want someone to say that they love me and that they truly mean it. But at the same time, I'm afraid. Nobody wants an over-weight girl... They all want their barbies and they want their kens. I'm not perfect.
Are you ready to get to actually "know" me? You see what I want you to see. You hear what I want you to hear. You know what I want you to know. If I tell you too much, you might use it against me later on. All these unwanted memories flood my mind as I beg and plead for them to go away, doing anything to try and forget those horrible memories.
The reality of it all comes crashing down onto me all at once. My stress levels are through the roof as it frustrates me to no end. Maybe that's why I'm having my frequent breakdowns so often. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but I don't. I know what I want to say and how to say it, but I keep it quiet. I keep to myself. I offer no opinion. I sit by my window and look at the cold, gray, skies as they continue to weep, day dreaming about the life I wanted. If you ask me the truth, I'll give it to you. I don't care about your feelings, you asked me, so I told you. But at the same time, I do care about your feelings, but then again, you asked.
"Fragile Heartbeat" That is me. My heart is fragile as is the rest of me. I can put on an act and have everybody fooled, even myself. But when that adrenaline rush wears off, I have nothing to lean against, I crash onto the floor and weep. When is enough? How does one know when to stop and finally rest? I wish to rest my eyes... Even for a few minutes.
Can I rest my eyes and finally go to sleep? Can I forget about everybody, even for a few hours and worry about myself?
Just for a few minutes.
Please?
I cry alone from the pain of constantly being alone. With all my friends, I am still constantly and will always be alone. My friend's don't notice as I put on that happy face, but when I get home, the facade drops as the tears start rushing down my face. The pain of knowing that I am mearly a face in the crowd, knowing that I am replaceable, brings me down.
Shall I do everybody a favor and continue to be non- existent? I'm sorry I'm not brash and wild like you, but I like being conscious, I like being aware, and I like being in control of my emotions and myself. It brings me peace of mind in knowing what I'm doing is right instead of something that's completely wrong. I'm me and you're you. I'm not going to change anything about me to try and please you. Honestly, if you even try and take the time to get to know me, I'm more... Loud and brash... I'm more talkative. But nobody ever does take the time.
I'm comfortable in my own skin... Most of the time. Sure, I want to be skinny. I want to fit into my favorite clothes and say that everything will be okay. The face staring back at me in the mirror is one that I hardly even recognize anymore. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even know what my values are... If I even had any.
Sleepless nights do nothing with these stupid mind fucks. I lay, curled up in the middle of my floor, sobbing. The pain is intense and I just want to be held and told that everything will be okay... That the pain will eventually fade. I want someone to say that they love me and that they truly mean it. But at the same time, I'm afraid. Nobody wants an over-weight girl... They all want their barbies and they want their kens. I'm not perfect.
Are you ready to get to actually "know" me? You see what I want you to see. You hear what I want you to hear. You know what I want you to know. If I tell you too much, you might use it against me later on. All these unwanted memories flood my mind as I beg and plead for them to go away, doing anything to try and forget those horrible memories.
The reality of it all comes crashing down onto me all at once. My stress levels are through the roof as it frustrates me to no end. Maybe that's why I'm having my frequent breakdowns so often. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but I don't. I know what I want to say and how to say it, but I keep it quiet. I keep to myself. I offer no opinion. I sit by my window and look at the cold, gray, skies as they continue to weep, day dreaming about the life I wanted. If you ask me the truth, I'll give it to you. I don't care about your feelings, you asked me, so I told you. But at the same time, I do care about your feelings, but then again, you asked.
"Fragile Heartbeat" That is me. My heart is fragile as is the rest of me. I can put on an act and have everybody fooled, even myself. But when that adrenaline rush wears off, I have nothing to lean against, I crash onto the floor and weep. When is enough? How does one know when to stop and finally rest? I wish to rest my eyes... Even for a few minutes.
Can I rest my eyes and finally go to sleep? Can I forget about everybody, even for a few hours and worry about myself?
Just for a few minutes.
Please?
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