My finger tips touch the keyboard as they pause, wondering what I want to say. Music blares in teh background as I try to find something... Anything to type. It doesn't have to make sense, but at one point, I think it should. I don't know what else I'm trying to say, but I'm making it all up as I go along, trying to get myself to believe what I'm saying.
The words you say to me is nothing more than white noise. I try and block you out with every part of my being, but you keep pounding on my door, screaming at me to let you in. I hid in the corner, willing to make the noise go away as you break open the door. You grab my arm as you continuiously beat on me. You beat me because you have nothing left to live for. You beat me because you blame me for your failures. You beat me because you blame me for not being able to live.
You scream at me because you think you can. You abuse me because you think you can. Your words have become nothing more than mere whispers in my mind as I become fully numb. Once your asleep, I sit in that very corner you dragged me from and drink my whiskey. I drink whiskey because it chases my demons away for the time being. It makes me more numb as I tend to my wounds. I drink it because it pisses me off. I drink it because it helps me plot my revenge.
I silently go into your room and hit you with my baseball bat. I hit your head first as you flop around. You roll over and look at me. Rage is in your eyes as I raise the bat and hit it over your stomach. Over and Over I beat you. I beat you because I can. I beat you because you've caused me years of pain. I beat you because of all the dreams you've crushed. I beat you because you stole my innocence away from me. I beat you because I can. I beat you because you've caused me years of pain and you don't even realize what you've done.
I look at your bloodied form and pour gasoline over your dead body. I drink from my whiskey bottle as I take one last look at your disgusting form and the place you called home, the very place that I called hell. I pour gasoline on everything and pack one bag. I walk out and strike a match. I hear your soul screaming from the inside as you insult me. I throw the match as everything goes up into flames. I watch as the fire dances in front of my eyes. I watch because I'm getting satisfaction out of the fact that you're in hell and I'm not. I'm laughing at you because of how weak you really are.
When it's all said and done, you were nothing more than a weak son of a bitch. You can't hurt me anymore. I throw my whiskey bottle into the flames as it explodes. I turn on my heel as I walk away, never looking back, but looking foreward.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Stress
Well, I'm sleeping okay. (Yes!). My face is just really red and really hot... I'm way more tired than I should be.. I have zero energy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the stress? It's not hot in my room. I have my fan and the AC on at 69 degrees. I'm also having some trouble breathing. I don't know what's wrong...
Urgh. I have loads of laundry to do... I have to study my ass off because not even in a week, I'm re-taking my ATB test. I WILL PASS IT, RAWR!!!!
I hate this. I wish I had passed the stupid test the first time. Sigh. Oh well... I fail... At everything... :/
That's all, for now.
Urgh. I have loads of laundry to do... I have to study my ass off because not even in a week, I'm re-taking my ATB test. I WILL PASS IT, RAWR!!!!
I hate this. I wish I had passed the stupid test the first time. Sigh. Oh well... I fail... At everything... :/
That's all, for now.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Well, today is a sunny and happy day! I get to study and cram for my math exam that's on Tuesday. :D I don't know why I'm happy about that when I failed it the first time, but mom is damned sure that I'm going to pass it this time. We went to Barnes and Noble on our way home from Bend, OR yesterday and got two GED books. (One for math and I got another one for review and such). Sigh. I WILL do good. I'm going to have a positive attiude about this!!! :) She's going to pick up my smart brother to come help me cram and teach me the things that I'm having trouble in. :D Such a good brother... Helping out his lil sister like that. Hehehehehehehehe!
My dad called me yesterday when mom and I were getting gas for her new truck so we can go down to Bend. He "tried" to pull the guilt trip and it didn't work. He was saying shit like, "You know that you're the only grandchild who didn't go to college, right?" and "Well, it'd be nice if you could get your diploma, but what's done is done, I suppose. So try and get your GED and then I can go back to instead of trying to be proud of you, I CAN be proud of you!" What an asshole! I swear to GOD! Argh.
I can't wait to go to COCC. Mom and I checked it out (like mentioned above, lol) and Juniper Hall is WAY the fuck all up in the trees and hills. But it's within walking distance of some of the buildings of the campus. JH is on one side of the campus, while Barber Library is on the other side. It looks something post WWII or something. (The building). Mom and I were driving around the down-town area and saw an ANIME SHOP!!! A HUGE ONE!!!! I was SOOOO excited. I went in there and it was amazing. ^w^ Hehehehehehehe!!
I love Bend. It has a population of, like, 80,*** people and it's smallish. Not like Vancouver, but more like Marshallishsish. (Only with more to do). I'm excited to (hopefully) live there. The drive down there (Depending on which way you go) can be long, but I got to see Mt. Hood close up. Not alot of snow, but it's there. The climate change didn't really bother me as much, my ears didn't pop like I thought they would. I slept for most of the way, cause I was tired as fuck. Ha.
When I didn't pass the ATB (Ability To Benefit) test, I felt like crying. I walked out of the building, swallowing my sobs and trying to get in control of my emotions. My thoughts were running wild. I kept thinking, "I'm tired of failing. I'm sick of it!" and so on and so forth. Well, TIME TO CRAM/STUDY!
My dad called me yesterday when mom and I were getting gas for her new truck so we can go down to Bend. He "tried" to pull the guilt trip and it didn't work. He was saying shit like, "You know that you're the only grandchild who didn't go to college, right?" and "Well, it'd be nice if you could get your diploma, but what's done is done, I suppose. So try and get your GED and then I can go back to instead of trying to be proud of you, I CAN be proud of you!" What an asshole! I swear to GOD! Argh.
I can't wait to go to COCC. Mom and I checked it out (like mentioned above, lol) and Juniper Hall is WAY the fuck all up in the trees and hills. But it's within walking distance of some of the buildings of the campus. JH is on one side of the campus, while Barber Library is on the other side. It looks something post WWII or something. (The building). Mom and I were driving around the down-town area and saw an ANIME SHOP!!! A HUGE ONE!!!! I was SOOOO excited. I went in there and it was amazing. ^w^ Hehehehehehehe!!
I love Bend. It has a population of, like, 80,*** people and it's smallish. Not like Vancouver, but more like Marshallishsish. (Only with more to do). I'm excited to (hopefully) live there. The drive down there (Depending on which way you go) can be long, but I got to see Mt. Hood close up. Not alot of snow, but it's there. The climate change didn't really bother me as much, my ears didn't pop like I thought they would. I slept for most of the way, cause I was tired as fuck. Ha.
When I didn't pass the ATB (Ability To Benefit) test, I felt like crying. I walked out of the building, swallowing my sobs and trying to get in control of my emotions. My thoughts were running wild. I kept thinking, "I'm tired of failing. I'm sick of it!" and so on and so forth. Well, TIME TO CRAM/STUDY!
Monday, August 1, 2011
First ranting of August 1st!
AUGUST 1st! I've been on a "King of the Hill" Marathon kick...
Onto the ranting:
Well, I wish I could say that I wasn't officially FUCKED. Stupid mother fuckers from Idaho is taking waaaay to fucking long to send in my final test and I'm running out of time for my final test. I'm sick and tired of waiting and if they don't exempt me from like... 2 credits or something for one stupid basic math class, I'm going to explode and break into the school vault and steal my own fucking diploma. I really hate to say this, but I wish that I had graduated instead of my friend. I'm at least going somewhere with my future and she's just staying home taking care of her soon to be born child.
I haven't heard from my father in a few months... weeks... days... Like I care? Or should I? Oh well. Oh! I got back in touch with a good friend of mine from 8th grade. I dunno... Anyway, back to my annoyed ranting.
I mean, going to Bend, OR wasn't my first choice in going to college at all. My first choice was going back to Minnesota and going to college near friends and whatever, but everybody else thought that they had "convinced" me to go to college near home because they think that I can't make it out on my own... which pisses me off because then I can't prove to them that I am a unique individual. I'm NOT getting stuck in the fucking Washington/Oregon area the rest of my fucking life... I'd like to move to Ireland or maybe Texas? Somewhere where I won't be with people who tell me what to do all the time. They think that they can "conform" me like some fucking religion and it pisses me off. I'm not THEIR little puppet or THEIR little bitch that they can control or whatnot.
Oh! and another thing that pisses me off the most is that my friends keep asking my mom for pills (which at first was okay) but then they just kept asking and asking and then they asked me to sneak them some or whatever and I did... My friend owes me 20 bucks and she keeps forgetting. My friends fiancee is the lead singer in his band called "Nazfiratu" and he keeps fucking up his head with his mic and he just looks at me and asks for some fucking pain pills. He has to sell his because he "needs the money". Well, fuck! IF YOU WOULD STOP SELLING YOUR FUCKING PILLS, MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING PAIN AT ALL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!! and he's totally demanding of my friend. For example: My friend (who shall rename nameless in this rant) got offered a piece of land and the first words out of his mouth were "I guess I'll have to quit the band" or when our friends might move up to Bellingham, WA, the first words out of his mouth were "I guess the bands over". What a fucking PRICK! He's only thinking about himself and his fucking band that's going NOWHERE! They're all talk and they won't do anything. Good fucking GOD! Thank God I'm getting out of here as soon as I fucking can, y'know? I mean, I have alot to say and I don't really fucking care if they both read this or not, it's my opinion and I hope that it hurts their feelings, honestly. They need to quit relying on other people and start relying on themfuckingselfs! It's getting to the point to where they practically live at my own house. I mean, sure, it was okay in the beginning but I mean, I'm not even that fucking rude or whatnot and I don't go bulling around my friends, even if it is just joking around. Next time he takes things to fucking far, I'm just going to growl "Keep your fucking hands off me!" and/or shove him. I'm tired of all his (he too shall rename nameless) fucking bullshit and whatnot. He's a good friend, but sometimes they both take things way to far.
In other new, (Now that I think I've got it all out of my system): I can't sleep anymore! (Well, I can, sometimes, lol) I've been staying up all night and sleeping all day and I'm getting pissed off about it because then I'm tired and have 0 energy to do anything.
Oh. did I mention that my mom and uncle are going to be smoking in the house now? They made our apartment building an "Smoke-free zone" Great... Just what I fucking need. My immune system is shit already... It's like Marshall all over again... I can't wait until I move out.
I'm running out of things to rant about... Which is probably good because I feel alot better now that I bitched to the choir.
Onto the ranting:
Well, I wish I could say that I wasn't officially FUCKED. Stupid mother fuckers from Idaho is taking waaaay to fucking long to send in my final test and I'm running out of time for my final test. I'm sick and tired of waiting and if they don't exempt me from like... 2 credits or something for one stupid basic math class, I'm going to explode and break into the school vault and steal my own fucking diploma. I really hate to say this, but I wish that I had graduated instead of my friend. I'm at least going somewhere with my future and she's just staying home taking care of her soon to be born child.
I haven't heard from my father in a few months... weeks... days... Like I care? Or should I? Oh well. Oh! I got back in touch with a good friend of mine from 8th grade. I dunno... Anyway, back to my annoyed ranting.
I mean, going to Bend, OR wasn't my first choice in going to college at all. My first choice was going back to Minnesota and going to college near friends and whatever, but everybody else thought that they had "convinced" me to go to college near home because they think that I can't make it out on my own... which pisses me off because then I can't prove to them that I am a unique individual. I'm NOT getting stuck in the fucking Washington/Oregon area the rest of my fucking life... I'd like to move to Ireland or maybe Texas? Somewhere where I won't be with people who tell me what to do all the time. They think that they can "conform" me like some fucking religion and it pisses me off. I'm not THEIR little puppet or THEIR little bitch that they can control or whatnot.
Oh! and another thing that pisses me off the most is that my friends keep asking my mom for pills (which at first was okay) but then they just kept asking and asking and then they asked me to sneak them some or whatever and I did... My friend owes me 20 bucks and she keeps forgetting. My friends fiancee is the lead singer in his band called "Nazfiratu" and he keeps fucking up his head with his mic and he just looks at me and asks for some fucking pain pills. He has to sell his because he "needs the money". Well, fuck! IF YOU WOULD STOP SELLING YOUR FUCKING PILLS, MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING PAIN AT ALL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!! and he's totally demanding of my friend. For example: My friend (who shall rename nameless in this rant) got offered a piece of land and the first words out of his mouth were "I guess I'll have to quit the band" or when our friends might move up to Bellingham, WA, the first words out of his mouth were "I guess the bands over". What a fucking PRICK! He's only thinking about himself and his fucking band that's going NOWHERE! They're all talk and they won't do anything. Good fucking GOD! Thank God I'm getting out of here as soon as I fucking can, y'know? I mean, I have alot to say and I don't really fucking care if they both read this or not, it's my opinion and I hope that it hurts their feelings, honestly. They need to quit relying on other people and start relying on themfuckingselfs! It's getting to the point to where they practically live at my own house. I mean, sure, it was okay in the beginning but I mean, I'm not even that fucking rude or whatnot and I don't go bulling around my friends, even if it is just joking around. Next time he takes things to fucking far, I'm just going to growl "Keep your fucking hands off me!" and/or shove him. I'm tired of all his (he too shall rename nameless) fucking bullshit and whatnot. He's a good friend, but sometimes they both take things way to far.
In other new, (Now that I think I've got it all out of my system): I can't sleep anymore! (Well, I can, sometimes, lol) I've been staying up all night and sleeping all day and I'm getting pissed off about it because then I'm tired and have 0 energy to do anything.
Oh. did I mention that my mom and uncle are going to be smoking in the house now? They made our apartment building an "Smoke-free zone" Great... Just what I fucking need. My immune system is shit already... It's like Marshall all over again... I can't wait until I move out.
I'm running out of things to rant about... Which is probably good because I feel alot better now that I bitched to the choir.
Friday, July 22, 2011
My Dearest... Fluffball? (Aparently that's my blogs name now.. .Considering it's 1am and I'm tired as fuck!... lol. :) )
My dearest... Fluffball?
Let me be the first to apologize on ignoring you for so long. I guess I haven't been blogging like I should have and I'm sorry for that. (I'm sure Kat is sorry, also, lol).
It's finally July. Just two more months and then I'm off to college. I'll have my snow and my thunderstorms back! ^w^ ~
Just two more months and then I'm on my own. I'll be off into the real world and it'll be fucked up. lol.
Sleepless nights have once again been following me. For the past few weeks (or fuck... ever since July started, but mostly the past few weeks) I've noticed that my sleeping patterns have changed. (It's kind of hard not too, lol). I'll stay up all night and then I'll sleep all day. Fucked up, isn't it? I think my internal body clock is finally like, "Wait, why are we having Samwise going to bed so early?! It's summer! She ALWAYS stays up all night and sleeps all day during the summer!" (Sarcasm) So I'm glad that my internal body clock decided to catch up in the times with me... NOT!
I haven't cleaned my room since... May... I think... It's along time for a room to be all messy. BUT! There is no trash or dirty dishes laying around. Or pop cans and/or water bottles. :)
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that mom and my uncle are moving to Walla Walla, WA? I hear that WW, WA get's hella thunderstorms. L-U-C-K-Y!!
My two friends are pregnant and they're both having daughters. They named their kids: Shyloh (For reference, watch Repo! The Genetic Opera) and Ember. (No reference for that... lmao)
My life has been... Bleak, I guess to say. Sleeping all day leaves me with like... NO energy whatssoever. I guess you could say that it pisses me off some, but it's whatever. My excuse is, "Getting all the sleep I get because once I leave for college, I can't sleep in unless it's the weekends and holidays, and I'm lucky to even sleep in on the weekends"
Oh! Speaking of college... I GOT INTO THE DORMS!!!! I'LL BE STAYING THERE THE ENTIRE YEAR I'M AT SCHOOL!
I'm just a TAD excited, lol. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy about that. I've been going through my clothes and books and DVD's and whatever else I'm going to pack with me to TAKE to the dorms and WHAT NOT to take with me. Makes sense, right? I think it does... So FUCK YOU! lol. :)
I dunno... I guess that's it for now. I'll blog back later. :)
Ciao,
Samwise.
Let me be the first to apologize on ignoring you for so long. I guess I haven't been blogging like I should have and I'm sorry for that. (I'm sure Kat is sorry, also, lol).
It's finally July. Just two more months and then I'm off to college. I'll have my snow and my thunderstorms back! ^w^ ~
Just two more months and then I'm on my own. I'll be off into the real world and it'll be fucked up. lol.
Sleepless nights have once again been following me. For the past few weeks (or fuck... ever since July started, but mostly the past few weeks) I've noticed that my sleeping patterns have changed. (It's kind of hard not too, lol). I'll stay up all night and then I'll sleep all day. Fucked up, isn't it? I think my internal body clock is finally like, "Wait, why are we having Samwise going to bed so early?! It's summer! She ALWAYS stays up all night and sleeps all day during the summer!" (Sarcasm) So I'm glad that my internal body clock decided to catch up in the times with me... NOT!
I haven't cleaned my room since... May... I think... It's along time for a room to be all messy. BUT! There is no trash or dirty dishes laying around. Or pop cans and/or water bottles. :)
Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that mom and my uncle are moving to Walla Walla, WA? I hear that WW, WA get's hella thunderstorms. L-U-C-K-Y!!
My two friends are pregnant and they're both having daughters. They named their kids: Shyloh (For reference, watch Repo! The Genetic Opera) and Ember. (No reference for that... lmao)
My life has been... Bleak, I guess to say. Sleeping all day leaves me with like... NO energy whatssoever. I guess you could say that it pisses me off some, but it's whatever. My excuse is, "Getting all the sleep I get because once I leave for college, I can't sleep in unless it's the weekends and holidays, and I'm lucky to even sleep in on the weekends"
Oh! Speaking of college... I GOT INTO THE DORMS!!!! I'LL BE STAYING THERE THE ENTIRE YEAR I'M AT SCHOOL!
I'm just a TAD excited, lol. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy about that. I've been going through my clothes and books and DVD's and whatever else I'm going to pack with me to TAKE to the dorms and WHAT NOT to take with me. Makes sense, right? I think it does... So FUCK YOU! lol. :)
I dunno... I guess that's it for now. I'll blog back later. :)
Ciao,
Samwise.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
From me, to you.
I am a whisper in the wind as my body harbors the thing called my soul. I am nothing more than a name with a face as I offer my silent opinion, tending to stay in the corner and be by myself rather than go out and socialize. I silently watch the crowd in front of me, offering a small, hidden, smile, to those to pass me by as my thoughts try to process. The loud, rumble, of what I once thought was peace is now something destructive as it brings me nothing but pain and sorrow. The voices constantly grow louder as my guilt constantly stabs and prods my every thought, my every move, my every word.
I cry alone from the pain of constantly being alone. With all my friends, I am still constantly and will always be alone. My friend's don't notice as I put on that happy face, but when I get home, the facade drops as the tears start rushing down my face. The pain of knowing that I am mearly a face in the crowd, knowing that I am replaceable, brings me down.
Shall I do everybody a favor and continue to be non- existent? I'm sorry I'm not brash and wild like you, but I like being conscious, I like being aware, and I like being in control of my emotions and myself. It brings me peace of mind in knowing what I'm doing is right instead of something that's completely wrong. I'm me and you're you. I'm not going to change anything about me to try and please you. Honestly, if you even try and take the time to get to know me, I'm more... Loud and brash... I'm more talkative. But nobody ever does take the time.
I'm comfortable in my own skin... Most of the time. Sure, I want to be skinny. I want to fit into my favorite clothes and say that everything will be okay. The face staring back at me in the mirror is one that I hardly even recognize anymore. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even know what my values are... If I even had any.
Sleepless nights do nothing with these stupid mind fucks. I lay, curled up in the middle of my floor, sobbing. The pain is intense and I just want to be held and told that everything will be okay... That the pain will eventually fade. I want someone to say that they love me and that they truly mean it. But at the same time, I'm afraid. Nobody wants an over-weight girl... They all want their barbies and they want their kens. I'm not perfect.
Are you ready to get to actually "know" me? You see what I want you to see. You hear what I want you to hear. You know what I want you to know. If I tell you too much, you might use it against me later on. All these unwanted memories flood my mind as I beg and plead for them to go away, doing anything to try and forget those horrible memories.
The reality of it all comes crashing down onto me all at once. My stress levels are through the roof as it frustrates me to no end. Maybe that's why I'm having my frequent breakdowns so often. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but I don't. I know what I want to say and how to say it, but I keep it quiet. I keep to myself. I offer no opinion. I sit by my window and look at the cold, gray, skies as they continue to weep, day dreaming about the life I wanted. If you ask me the truth, I'll give it to you. I don't care about your feelings, you asked me, so I told you. But at the same time, I do care about your feelings, but then again, you asked.
"Fragile Heartbeat" That is me. My heart is fragile as is the rest of me. I can put on an act and have everybody fooled, even myself. But when that adrenaline rush wears off, I have nothing to lean against, I crash onto the floor and weep. When is enough? How does one know when to stop and finally rest? I wish to rest my eyes... Even for a few minutes.
Can I rest my eyes and finally go to sleep? Can I forget about everybody, even for a few hours and worry about myself?
Just for a few minutes.
Please?
I cry alone from the pain of constantly being alone. With all my friends, I am still constantly and will always be alone. My friend's don't notice as I put on that happy face, but when I get home, the facade drops as the tears start rushing down my face. The pain of knowing that I am mearly a face in the crowd, knowing that I am replaceable, brings me down.
Shall I do everybody a favor and continue to be non- existent? I'm sorry I'm not brash and wild like you, but I like being conscious, I like being aware, and I like being in control of my emotions and myself. It brings me peace of mind in knowing what I'm doing is right instead of something that's completely wrong. I'm me and you're you. I'm not going to change anything about me to try and please you. Honestly, if you even try and take the time to get to know me, I'm more... Loud and brash... I'm more talkative. But nobody ever does take the time.
I'm comfortable in my own skin... Most of the time. Sure, I want to be skinny. I want to fit into my favorite clothes and say that everything will be okay. The face staring back at me in the mirror is one that I hardly even recognize anymore. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even know what my values are... If I even had any.
Sleepless nights do nothing with these stupid mind fucks. I lay, curled up in the middle of my floor, sobbing. The pain is intense and I just want to be held and told that everything will be okay... That the pain will eventually fade. I want someone to say that they love me and that they truly mean it. But at the same time, I'm afraid. Nobody wants an over-weight girl... They all want their barbies and they want their kens. I'm not perfect.
Are you ready to get to actually "know" me? You see what I want you to see. You hear what I want you to hear. You know what I want you to know. If I tell you too much, you might use it against me later on. All these unwanted memories flood my mind as I beg and plead for them to go away, doing anything to try and forget those horrible memories.
The reality of it all comes crashing down onto me all at once. My stress levels are through the roof as it frustrates me to no end. Maybe that's why I'm having my frequent breakdowns so often. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but I don't. I know what I want to say and how to say it, but I keep it quiet. I keep to myself. I offer no opinion. I sit by my window and look at the cold, gray, skies as they continue to weep, day dreaming about the life I wanted. If you ask me the truth, I'll give it to you. I don't care about your feelings, you asked me, so I told you. But at the same time, I do care about your feelings, but then again, you asked.
"Fragile Heartbeat" That is me. My heart is fragile as is the rest of me. I can put on an act and have everybody fooled, even myself. But when that adrenaline rush wears off, I have nothing to lean against, I crash onto the floor and weep. When is enough? How does one know when to stop and finally rest? I wish to rest my eyes... Even for a few minutes.
Can I rest my eyes and finally go to sleep? Can I forget about everybody, even for a few hours and worry about myself?
Just for a few minutes.
Please?
Thursday, June 2, 2011
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