Someone to fall back on

I'll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Dont count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
Youll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I dont walk on coals,
I wont walk on water:
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyones wildest dream,
But I will stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy -
Youre bruised and beaten down
And Im the one
Whos looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You dont believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I dont make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if thats what you believe you need,
Youre wrong - you dont need much,
You need someone to fall back on...

[Someone To Fall Back On Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]


And Ill be that:
Ill take your side.
If Im the only one,
Im used to that.
Ive been alone,
Id rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.
And I will be
i'll be Your prince,
Ill be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
Ill be someone to fall back on!
Ill be the one who waits,
And for as long as youll let me,
I will be the one you need.
Ill be someone to fall back on
ill be someone to fall back on
one to fall back on...

Sonata Arctica-- Tallulah

Remember when we used to look how sun sets far away?
And how you said: "This is never over"
I believed your every word and I guess you did too
But now you're saying : "Hey, let's think this over"

You take my hand and pull me next to you, so close to you
I have a feeling you don't have the words
I found one for you, kiss your cheek, say bye, and walk away
Don't look back 'cause I am crying...

I remember little things you hardly ever do
Tell me why
I don't know why it's over
I remember shooting stars, the walk we took that night
I hope your wish came true, mine betrayed me

You let my hand go, and you fake a smile for me
I have a feeling you don't know what to do
I look deep in your eyes and hesitate a while...
Why are you crying?

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven

I see you walking hand in hand with long-haired drummer of the band
In love with her or so it seems, he's dancing with my beauty queen
Don´t even dare to say you hi, still swallowing the goodbye
But I know the feelings still alive, still alive

I lost my patience once, so do you punish me now
I'll always love you, no matter what you do
I'll win you back for me if you give me a chance
But there is one thing you must understand

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

Mark. 3/31/11 March

I guess I don't even know what the fuck to do anymore. One minute everything's going ok and then the next it's gone bad. This fight was worse than all the other ones. We basically told each other that we're over and to go fuck off. But I guess if you ever read this, you won't care. I'm pissed off, I'm sad, I'm not happy. I'm fustrated. I guess I don't expect anything out of you anymore, or what to even think. But I guess the thought goes both ways, doesn't it?

How far can we keep on going? How much more can we endure before we finally call it quits? Didn't we already call it quits? I don't even know what to say to you anymore, not tonight anyway. Or even tomorrow. I don't know. I guess there's always two sides of this story whenever we say what we say. Actions speak louder than words. A picture is worth a thousand words.

I don't even know what do say right now... Should I offer you a bunch of apologies? Tell you how much I need you? How much I want you?

I guess I won't see you in the morning.
I guess I won't see you in the afternoon.
I guess I won't see you in the night.
I guess I won't see you when I sleep.
I guess I won't see you when I wake.
I guess I won't see you in the corner of my eye
I guess I won't see you following me
I guess I won't see your smirk anymore
I guess I won't hear your laughter
I guess I won't see you smiling
I guess I won't hear you talking
I guess the only thing I'll see is your back as you walk away from me.

I guess this is it. I guess this is the end. I'm not expecting anything of you after you read this...

Goodbye My Lover.

Stress

            Why must you put on such stress upon me? Can’t you see how tired I am? Can’t you see how stressed out I am? I don’t even know what to say to make your problems go away when I have my own. I end up crying myself to sleep at night because I’m in pain. Depression has been eating away at me more and more, making me more tired. I’m worn down to the core and I can’t go on anymore, but with what little self will and worth I have, I manage to dwindle to survive the week, I’ll muster up. I’ve been having more panic and anxiety attacks more and more because of all this fucking stress. My family’s pretty much saying that I’m not going to be successful in my life, but no matter how much I try, no matter how hard I try to ignore it and move on, it haunts me in my dreams; maybe I need to go back on pills to calm me down, keep me focused, but I also don’t want to succumb to the effects of said pills. I barely get to blog or write anymore because I’m so busy.

            My energy is being yanked from my body faster than it usually does. All my teachers have no faith in me anymore, basically telling me that I’m a failure in the making. That I’ll never make anything of myself—that alone should be motivation enough. Nobody will let me catch a breath. My own insecurities have people at arm’s length as I shove them away, further and further. Most people don’t believe me when I tell them as they laugh at me. Guess maybe if I disappear one night, maybe they’ll miss me. I don’t know anymore… I wanna go to sleep and never wake up…

FB Convo

To what extent? To knowing that someday, the happiness with eventually fade? The knowlege that you gained over the years will eventually decay? That you didn't care what people thought of you so you made your own mark in the world, in your ...own life... Knowing that you're going to face extention and you can't do a damn thing about it? Or is it the knowlege that you KNOW you're in a depression and try almost anything to get out if it, but no matter what you do, you're not interested in anything anymore? You try to put the smile on your face, trying to fool the people around you, sure, at times, you feel happy on the inside, but behind closed doors, away from the world, you're crying because you feel like a worthless person? Knowing that it hurts to put the smile on your face, to make it act like it's all ok? Yeah, life's a bitch. You can go on fooling the people around you, but they know that you're not okay, no matter how many times you say "I'm okay". You put pen to paper, but nothing is written because you have nothing to write, no matter how hard you try, you can't find the words to say what you're thinking because you're afraid of the reactions. So you stay quite, you hide yourself away in a box and no matter how hard you try to leave your box, your comfort zone, you can't do it. Even though you have words to say, you can't find the courage to say them. You don't care what people think or say about you, but deep down, it hurts you, so you keep to yourself in your own little world. Life's a bitch. You could take the cowards way out and kill yourself, or you could face life head on, no matter how much it hurts. You feel alone, even with your friends... Even though you know... You KNOW you don't fit in with them. The only reason you stay is because of the closure. The sense of knowing that you belong, the feeling that you're acually loved for who you are. People that don't care what you look like, because eventually, they become more then friends. They become family. They can only do so much for you, before you finally crack. Knowlege is power, but the power eventually fades.See More

Emotionally Distant

You say that I’m distant

You say that I hide my feelings

You say that I’m closed off

You say that I don’t have any feelings

You say that I’ll never be in a relationship

You say that I have my box

You say that you want into my space

You say that you want to get to know me

You say that you want to love me

You say that I don’t cry

You say that you want me to share

You say you want me to share

You say that you want me to love you back

You say you want me to say those words that you always say

You say I’m a bitch

You say that you’re tired of it all

You say that you want me to open up

You say you want me to be normal

I ask you why you love me

I ask you why you want me to say it back

I ask you if it brings you any contentment

I ask you why you care

I ask you to leave me alone

I ask you to give me space

I ask you to let me adjust

I ask you to leave me in my box

I ask you to respect me and my box

I ask you to give me time

You say that I’m emotionally distant

You say that I’m distant in general

You keep asking me why I’m distant

I ask you why it even matters

You say that you love me

I ask you “Do You?”

You say that you do

I tell you why I’m distant

“It started when I was thirteen” was my reply

Maybe you’re right

Maybe I won’t have anybody else in my life

Maybe I won’t let anybody else in

Maybe I block everything out

Maybe I block it out because of the anger, the hurt, and the sadness

Maybe I even block out the happiness

To me, I like my box

To me, you are nothing

To me, you’re just another person

To me, I see myself

I look at my reflection and weight my thoughts

‘Am I pretty enough?’

‘I wish I was like her’

‘I wish I was accepted’

‘I wish I was perfect’

You say I need to change

You say I need to “Be Myself”

You say I need to smile more

You say I need to laugh more

I ask you why I should change

I ask you “What does that mean?”

I ask you if you’ve seen me smile

I ask you if you’ve seen me laugh

Give me a chance

Give me hope

Give me time

Give me space

Give me faith

Give me love

I don’t like the same things you do

I don’t like the same clothing as you

I don’t have the same friends you do

I don’t have anything as you

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

I’m perfect in my own way

I’m perfect in my world

I’m perfect in my eyes

I’m perfect in my version of “myself”

I’m perfect in my own justification

I may be emotionally distant

I may be physically distant

I may be physiologically distant

I may be distant in general

You can’t change who I am

You can’t change what I believe

You can’t change my morals

You can’t change my entire being just to please you

You can’t change me just because I have a flaw

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

You may like it

You may not like it

You may hate it

You may detest it

I am beautiful

And nothing can bring me down

Hello, my darling, it has been a very long time since I've seen your face.
You're my entire being...
I embrace you fully, bringing you closer to my persons

Where are you when I need you the most?

Angry Rant.

They travel in groups of 2 or 3, sometimes more.
Their short little skirts as they flip their hair over their shoulders
Their short cheerleading uniforms and their girlish giggles make me gag
Stupid little blonde sluts is what they are

They think they own everything
Just cause Daddy's got the money
They kiss ass to the teachers
Constantly flirting with them

Manipulative little whores
Thinking they're better than everybody else.
They're backstabbing cock whores

They say they're nice
But they're not
Dumb little blondes, is what they are

What I wouldn't give to hurt one of them
Anorexic, bulimic, mother FUCKERS!
They all deserve to die
Just cause they think they're pretty

They're not pretty
They're ugly as fuck
Stupid little blondes like Paris Hilton or Lindsey Lohan

Like I said.
They travel in groups of 2 or 3, sometimes more
With their disgusting little perfumes
The flip of their hair

Honestly?
Who would want to fuck something like that?
They say use condoms when having sex
Well, their parents didn't use protection
Obviously.

Once

To say that something is on my mind would be a complete lie. For I do have something on my mind. What's on my mind, you ask? I have a million things running through my head and the voices are only getting louder and louder, but all I hear is white noise. Relaxing is out of the question when my very future hangs in the very balance. I have questioned myself over and over again, but I never get the answer's that I want. Am I perceiving what I only want to perceive? Am I getting what I show other people? All these things run throughout my head. Who am I? What will I become? Will I be successful? Will somebody ever love me? Over and over again, these questions continue to run throughout my head. My head pulses with aches and sharp pains that make me want to end it all. People are constantly yelling at me, telling me to do better... Fuck them. They don't know me. They don't know the 'real' me. But then... Do I even know who the 'real' me is? Am I so caught up in the facade that I show other people that even I am starting to believe it? I guess I don't know anymore... I knew at one point... Now... It's vanished.

Words of...

Ah. How our time here is dwindling significantly. The lines you drew are taunting my every word, my every move as I try to grow closer to you. Time, it seems has other plans. The fate of knowing that we will not always be near one another tugs at my heart in only a way that it can truly hurt without having any pain. You, my darling have your friends, while I have mine. You, my darling have your circle and I do not have one. Dare I say that I am jealous? Nay, I shall not say that because then I would be lying. It is quite the opposite. In fact, my darling, I am quite happy for you. I hope you have a grand time with your friends. Life in this world is limited and while people have tons of friends, I merely have one or two. Having nothing in common with the others makes my life insignificant. For I know that I have nothing in common with your circle or your friends. This harsh, brutal fact shakes my soul in ways that I cannot imagine. I shall move on from this insignificant life and eventually find my own group or circle to which I hope to attain. But until then, I shall continue to sit and stare, wishing and hoping for the life that I have always wanted. My darling, you are quite the lucky one. Forever living your life with smiles and laughter, while I, life my life in the pits of loneliness. Forever doomed, forever trapped. For this is my story, I hope it treats you well.

The Hidden Message.

The sweet, bitter taste of death rains down onto my persons as I open my mouth to taste the sweetness; The simple jest, the simple notion of the unimportant thought is meaningless, useless. It’s simply death; Death. What a wonderful word indeed. The five letter word brings a nostalgic joy into my life as my ruby lips curve into a smile. The never ending thoughts of killing myself racks my brain as I tend to other matters. Matters of which are unimportant, unintelligent. To hold something materialistic in our lives is meaningless. The clock of time is always ticking. One will never know when it is their time to die, a time to finally leave the world they once new behind. Attaching yourself with something as materialistic to something so trivial such as a book, for example, would be a pointless banter, for you see the book will age, the pages, will crumple and turn yellow. The book itself with eventually decays within itself as you dwindle into the cold, hard earth.

Death.. It comes with a beautiful price. To die is to want to live, for you see we are all dying as we speak. We are the light, the dark and the shadows within our own lives. The darkness in our hearts cannot be contained for too long before you go and commit the ultimate desire. Our soul craves for something to which we cannot attain. We have distanced ourselves from getting emotionally close to something materialistic, something prudent, something that is not of great importance as say life itself.

We are all human, but does that give anybody the excuse? I would think not as you can only go so far within the time span of which you were given. We life off of false hope, we live off of a false God… To believe is what you want to believe. Limits are pushed everyday but not by the people that care. So, my sweet vengeance, what will you do to prevent your death?  

My Death-- My words.

It was a gloomy April day as the rain had kept raining throughout the day as I walked down the streets of Vancouver, hoping to find some peace, some solitude. I thought I had a life… I thought everything was perfect… I thought I had friends… I thought that I had finally found my peace of mind. But I was wrong. Always partnered up with somebody, they exclude me from their plans… Wanting to spend time alone together; I didn’t know where exacally I was going, I just walked wherever my feet would take me. I can remember just leaving my house and walking. My mind had been focused on my friends… My life didn’t have any meaning… Didn’t have any color…
Would you miss me if I left you behind? Would you even care if I left? I guess nothing in my life doesn’t matter anymore; but did it ever? You say that you’re my best friend and I believed you. I let you use me in hopes of finding some sort of happiness with you… Your presence brings me some comforting of peace… I guess I don’t know what else to do.
I walk down these rainy streets with my head held low. I don’t know as much as you do… Constantly asking you stupid, useless questions that have people looking at me weird; I never fit in with your circle… Never fit in with anybody or anything. My grip on this world is slowly slipping as back hits the wall. My wrists ache from the deep, never ending carvings that I had placed upon them. My tears mixed in with the rain as my back hit the wall.
My eyes grow heavy as I slid down the wall of some ally. I guess I’ll never do anything that I wanted to do… But I guess that’s alright… My memories flashed of all my “Friends” and “Family” as I remembered all the bullshit we did… All the fun… I guess I won’t be able to tell you how much I appreciate you… How much you caring about me really meant to me… I guess I’m just another face in the world… Another forgotten memory… A smile curved on my lips as my eyes slipped shut, closing for all eternity as my pain drifted away, never to be heard of again.

Delusional Pain

Why can’t you leave me alone?

Can’t you see that I’m hurting?

I have nothing left to say

After you called me a little bitch

How could you say that to me?

I thought you loved me

I believed in your words

Maybe I was living in the delusion a little too long

Because I actually believed you

You live in your own little world

Lost in your dreams and fantasies

How can you care for another?

When you can’t take care of the one you have?

You don’t know how much you frustrate me

Tellin’ me you care,

When in fact that you don’t

I hate you

I want you out of my life

I’m done with your drama

But a part of me

Can’t bring myself to tell you that

I don’t want to hurt me

But a little part of me does

I’m tired of you walking all over me

When I confront you

You act like nothin’ went down

You’re living in a lie

You get off on my pain

You don’t care about anybody

But your own damn self

I don’t shed anymore tears for you anymore

I used too

I didn’t understand why you weren’t there

Why you didn’t care

Why you yelled at me

You call when you want

You expect me to answer your questions

When in fact

All you want is information

You talk shit behind my back

Makin’ me look bad

When I confront you

You deny any of that

You know what you’re doing

You know what it’s doing to me

You never cared about me

You’ve ignored me my whole life

What makes you think I want you in my life now?

After eighteen years of pure ignorance

At first I didn’t understand

You lied to me my whole life

You caused me pain

You hurt me

You wound me

And you expect me to love you?

Buddy, you got another thing coming

I hate you

I don’t love you

Leave me alone

More importantly

Get out of my life!