Death

Hey all,

Sorry I've been a little absent in my posts--between school and work, and well, life in general... But there is something that I wanted to talk to you about today.

Death.

My mom informed me a few weeks ago that my older brother and his dad had died. At first I was in denial, thinking that they weren't dead, that we had just seen them last summer. When we had last saw them, we spent HOURS catching up and bullshitting around, and they were happy and semi-healthy. We were going to go see my brother and his dad when I was on spring break...

I had felt numb for a few days. I would put on a front at work, and smile, but the happiness didn't reach my insides. I felt dead--like a void was inside me and I couldn't fill it back up.

I went through the stages of grief. I cried alot and then I got angry. I was angry because they died--by no fault of their own. Then I cried because I was angry, and eventually my eyes hurt from crying and I began to realize that they're never coming back. I've accepted this now.

That's why I flew home. I needed to be with my family and my mom--especially my mom. I've been away from home for about 5 1/2 months, and I needed her. I think we needed each other. I'm glad I came home, because we've talked about it. I feel a lot better, now that happiness is back inside me, even though I still miss them terribly. I will always miss them.

We're going to put my brother in the family plot today. He was cremated and my mom got his ashes today. It's going to be hard, I think. My grandparents and uncle are coming, but then my cousin and his girlfriend are going to be there too. I understand my cousin, but his girlfriend? That pisses me off. This is a FAMILY thing and as far as I'm concerned, my cousin's girlfriend is NOT family and she shouldn't be there. It's so rude. This is about MOM, not him. He makes it a point to turn things around and make the situation about him. If he says anything to make it about him, I'm going to say something. I don't care if it's rude or not.

Anyway... If there's a death in your family or even the death of a friend, remember to lean on those you love. They can help you through the process. Even if you want to be by yourself (trust me, I know. That's all I wanted--was to be alone. But I knew I needed to be around people), don't. Being by yourself is probably the worst thing you could do. It's a battle--being by yourself or being surrounded by those you love.

Death sucks. It may feel like the end of the world, but it's not. It'll hurt like hell for awhile, but then it'll get better. Take slow steps and go through the grieving process. As my friend told me, "As long as you don't unpack and live in one negative emotion, you're good" What she means is that don't stay in one part of the grieving process--go through ALL of them. Let yourself be emotionally raw, because it's probably what you need.
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Anyway, sorry for the heavy topic!
I hope you all have an awesome Thanksgiving!

~Rio