2012!

Well, the year is finally at it's ending point and I'm happy to say, that I got into college for Winter term. So much has gone on in 2011, I graduated high school, I'm now a college student, I moved away from my friends once again. But now I feel like I can re-start my life. Every year (to me) is like a re-start button. Even though I can't undo what I did in the past, I have the future to look forward too. I hope to be a better person each year and try different things and to get out of my comfort zone more and more.

My New Year's Resolutions:

~ Get a 3.5 or higher GPA in college
~ Get a job
~ Lose weight
~ Keep my room clean
~ Cut back on junk food/eating out
~ Save money
~ Be a better friend

I don't usually have this many Resolutions because I wait until my birthday to make them so they're "Birthday Resolutions", but I do New Year's also. All in all, I'm happy with how 2011 came out, but I'm so ready for 2012. I'm ready to grow as a person and make better choices for my life instead of following what everybody else does (Like that's stopped me before)! I don't want ANY drama in the New Year, but their's going to be some somewhere.


Peace, Love, and Happy New Years, you sinners!

~Rio

Some Exciting News!

Well, I got my textbooks today and they cost $411.--
I only have four. (three actual textbooks and one book)
The World Civ II book cost 127.--$ (That was used)
The Psych book cost about...88$ (I think)
Math was...127$ (I think)
All in all...Sigh.

I wish college would start.
I need to get some stamps...
I want a hellacious thunderstorm right now. They lull me to sleep.

Well, that's all for now, sinners!

~Rio

Blarg.

Well... Got back from the Tri-Cities and now I have a huge ass migraine. Nap time? I think so.

6 more days until school starts for Winter Term.

In other exciting news...

I can put earrings back in my ears! I'm so excited! My ears don't like gold earrings so I give them to my grandmother because she likes earrings. I prefer studs anyway. Silver studs. My ears are really picky also... It sucks, but whatev.

~Rio

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I'm back from my grandparents house for two hours and then I'm going back for some dinner. We're having:

-> Ham
-> Deviled Eggs
-> Cheesy scalloped potatoes w/ bacon bits
-> Green beans
-> Cherry and Dutch Apple pies for dessert

That's what we're having! Yum! <3

Now! Onto what I got!

-> Amadeus Movie
-> Memoirs of a Geisha
-> Journal
-> Christmas Lights
-> Cooking Tongs

Mom's going to take me shopping tomorrow. :)
Then going to the Tri-Cities on Wednesday
And then buy Text Books.

Fun?

I think so!

Best Wishes,

~Rio

Merry Christmas Eve!

Merry Christmas Eve ya'll! :D

4 more days!

FOUR MORE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO FRIGGIN EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got all my presents wrapped and on Christmas Morning, we're headed over to my grandparents to open presents and eat dinner. :D
Still trying to get mom to put up OUR tree...

No snow... D:
Disappointment



~Rio

College

16 more days until Winter term starts!
16 more days until Rio starts college!

I have to go to a funeral tomorrow...I don't wanna go, but I guess I have too.
I'm almost all caught up on my laundry! :D

Well, nothing is new with Rio. I haven't heard from any of my friends from Vancouver. I guess my one friend is busy with her daughter and what not, so it doesn't bother me. Sigh.

I'd still like to get a Christmas present ON Christmas... Maybe some snow too...
I guess Santa is skipping over my house this year. D:

Well, more later you sinners

~Rio

Registering for classes

My darling sinners!

How you would be proud of me! I took my placement testing and now I go in today at 3 to register for classes! RIO DID IT!! YAY! :3

I'm going to ask my adviser if I could be placed in with the Professors that I picked out (I looked at their syllabus) and I could ask~ No harm in that. :)

More later, Sinners!

~Rio!

Sunday

Well my sinners, today's Sunday and Rio is stuck doing laundry and cleaning her room. Along with organizing everything, finding a home, etc.

It kind of sucks that I don't have as big of room as I used too, but it's kind of a good thing also.

Pros

+ Room gets messy, less things to clean

+Cozy and comfortable

Cons

- Less room

But, I'm happy with what I got.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I can't wait until I start college. The knowledge of knowing that I made it (even though it took forever) and I'm doing something with my life (if you wanna call it that), makes me happy.

Well, I more later, you sinners!

~Rio

Christmas Miracle's

I GOT MY ONLINE MATH CLASS DONE!
RIO IS GOING TO COLLEGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!

I got home from Vancouver around...8:30ish (I think) and I found SNOW on the ground! It was everywhere! I was so happy I wanted to cry. I'll finally get my white Christmas after all after 2 years. The snow's staying and it's 22 degrees outside.

I'll start college in January

The fucked up part, though, is that I won't get my diploma until June of 2012, where it'll say I'm a 2012 graduate, when I'm a fucking 2011 graduate. Fucking school. Hopefully I can get that fixed!

Anyway, Rio needs a nice, hot, relaxing shower.

~Rio

Snow

So... Walla Walla is finally going to be getting snow and hopefully it'll stick!
My eyes are burning because I didn't get to bed until around 3am. I'm visiting my friends in Vancouver and Ember (their daughter) kept crying (even though everytime I woke up every few hours and she just happened to cry) I just ignored it or didn't hear it.

The futon hurt my back.

My back hurts

My eyes burn

It's going to be a 4 or 5 hour drive back home. The last leg of the trip seems the longest, and I'm hoping that the roads aren't icy. (Mom doesn't have chains for her tires and at some spots on the mountain passes, you're required to have chains or else they won't let you pass)

Ugh.

~Rio

aoauishd

So I go to bed with a killer migraine and an upset stomach. I briefly wake up with a thumping migraine and mom coming in and shaking my fucking head DOESN'T HELP ME! >.<

Anyway...

The uncle thinks he can just sit out here and watch TV when people are trying to do important sutff.

Crafters/Rant

Okay. So... After reading Kat's blog and my response, I guess I might as well write one also. This is what I wrote for her blog response:

Personally, from what I've seen... People prefer either to do it themselves or to just buy it so they don't have to spend money they don't have or do have (which ever is their preference) to get what they want.

My mom does a lot of plastic canvas and she said that they're not going to be doing a lot of that (meaning companies aren't going to be supplying it as much anymore) and they're's not enough patterns out there for plastic canvas that she can do anymore. She can't do the 10 count because it's too small and she has carpoltunnel and arthritis in her hands and she can't do that cross-stitch stuff anymore either. She told me when we were in Jo-Ann's that she's running out of patterns because she's done them all already (I don't know if I've already said that) and now she has to do something else.

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But I guess homemade stuff isn't good enough for people anymore because they're already buying it the way it came. (Which is fine in some cases... Most people don't have enough time and etc)

Plus, if a crafter is going to sell their stuff, they have to account for the taxes and how much they want and/or going to get out of it. If they over-price items, then they're not going to get anything for it, but if they under price it, I guess it could go either way.

I don't know. I guess that's just MY opinion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Maybe it's just me or something. I know people like to cook and people will buy food. Homemade food is good (Especially grandma's cookies!)

Maybe store bought saves time and the trouble of doing it ourselves because America's gotten lazy. It's not back in the olden days where people actually had to get off their ass and manually turn the TV off without the clicker, or that they got three square meals a day or that they didn't have video games back then. Or even, God forbid! EXERCISE!

Yeah. Life sucks and then you die. Big deal. Back then people had it right. Technology's made people lazy (But it's helpful, too. I'm not anti-technology. I'm anti-stupid people).

Good God, people.

~Rio

Nothin

I've got nothing to say

Fucked

I'm fucked. Utterly fucked.

If I don't finish my online math class before December 7th, I don't get into college.

And I don't get Christmas presents.

I need help with this.

Help me... Please?

Happy Thanksgiving (Belated)

Yesterday was so crazy that I didn't have a chance to respond! Sorry!
I hope everybody had a good Thanksgiving! I did!

I went out and did some Black Friday shopping! :)

It was bat shit crazy out!

Hey guys

Hey guys...

So you're all probably wondering what the hell is up with me... Well... A bunch of shit is going on that I don't really feel like talking about. (You understand... Right?)

I don't want to talk to people. I just want to stay in my room and stay there until I'm ready to talk to you or anybody else.

I tried to call my friend a bunch of times but she's not answering... There goes that out the fucking window. I guess that's just me, I suppose.

More later

No love tonight

-Rio

Rage of a pissed off Rio

Your eyes are wide with the fear that I installed inside your very being

Your screams are like music to my ears as you beg me to stop

Your bleeding from every part of your body

The rage I feel is only the beginnig

Why did you do this?

Why do you hate?

WHY?!

I scream at you

I kick you while you're down

I thrash at your twitching body as I wrap my arms around your neck and squeeze the very life out of you that you're begging to keep

I fucking hate your guts, you fucking bitch

I breathe out, snarling and growling

You take something good and you ruin it for everybody else

I hope you're happy, you fucking cunt

I hope that your life goes to hell in a handbasket

I hope that you fail until you can't stand it

While you beg for forgivness and say that you know what you did was wrong,

I'll watch as you get rejected

The wild you in your eyes tells me that you're ready to die

You're like a sick animal that needs to be put down

Excuse me while I rip your heart out

Excuse me while I curb stop your face

Pardon me as I rip your very being apart

If you think this is the end,

My dear, this is only the beginning

Watch out and be prepaired

You've pissed me off

That's a huge no no

You've unlocked the beast within me

You have to take responsibility for what you did

I hope your happy, you fucking bitch

I hope we never cross paths

Because if I ever see your fucking face again

I'll fucking kill you

I'll take you into a dark alley and slit your throat

I'll watch as you fall dead to the ground

Your blood spilling around your body

But that won't be enough

I'll beat you with a pipe

I'll unload all my rage onto your dead body

Wishing that you could feel the pain and the anger that I feel now

Go die, you fucking bitch

Go to hell

I hope you die

Goodbye

Buono!

Has anybody heard of the Japanese group called "Buono!"? They're good. I suggest clicking this link right here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptdJYBDxMxg&feature=related

I want to raid their closet so bad... :D

In other news...

ITS SUPPOSED TO SNOW SHOWER TONIGHT AND TOMORROW! (but none of it will stay... :/ )

Well... I guess that's all for now.

Until then, my darlings

~Rio!

Paramore

I take it you've all heard of the band, "Paramore" right? Well... If anybody knows me, then they'd know that I'm not a huge fan of them, but lately I can't get "Playing God" out of my head and I can't stop listening to it. I don't know what it is about the song... "Next time you point a finger, I'll point you to the mirror"

Oh! In other news! My friend had her baby! She's a month early (She was supposed to be born December 5th) and she was supposed to get married on 11/11/11, but her baby was born 11/10/11. (They got married in the hospital). The baby's name is Ember. My other friend has a baby named Shyloh. (If anybody's seen "Genetic Opera" then they named her after Shiloh.) I'm an auntie either way.

Blegh. I've been reading a bunch of Fanfiction as of late. I guess you could say that I'm picky about the kind of Fan fiction I read. Oh! I also saw the new episode of The Big Bang Theory and I have Bones recording on my DVR so that I can re-watch it later (and fast-forward through all the commercials!)

I have not been able to find any Peach Tea in Walla Walla. Grr... Arizona Tea. It's pretty good. It's not Arizona, it's Peace Tea. (Hey, tea is tea, but I'm picky about what kind of tea I drink). Oh well. I'll drink Razzleberry. There's been alot of drama in my family as of late. *sighs* I wish that I could just bury myself in a good fan fiction (that I haven't read about a trillion times) or a good book (one that I haven't read yet or a trillion times).

It's like whenever I ask somebody what's wrong, they always... ALWAYS give me their life story! All I did was ask what's wrong and I end playing counselor to them! ALWAYS! (I mean, I don't really mind it's just that I don't give good advice (Well, that's just me))

Rio needs a new laptop!!!!! STAT!!! Sigh. I guess this is what I get for having mine for 8+ years. The battery is good on it still... Dammit... Grrr...

I guess that's all the updates that I have...

Until then, darlings!

~Rio!

Thanksgiving!

I know this is early, but I hope that everybody has a good and safe Turkey day! I hope that you eat until your hearts content and watch the football game! (or is that Christmas?)

Blegh.

Well, My darlings... It looks like the cold front has moved in. I don't know what it is, but my room is freezing! Maybe it's a draft from the windows or something...

Next week is Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Let's see... I'm thankful for...

+ Friends

+ Family

+ Books

There's more I'm thankful for, I don't want to sound corny at all. :/

I hope it snows soon! I wish I was back in Minnesota... Then I'd know I'd get a white friggin' Christmas!

Until then, lovies.

~ Rio!

CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!

It's 47 days until Christmas!!!! Whoohoo!!!
I already decorated (part) of my room with a set of lights and a string of Christmas garland.
I'm going to do my Christmas shopping near 12/1/11 or near the middle of December.
I AM HYPER OFFA CANDY CANES!
They're sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Hopefully, I'll be in college by my birthday-- 2/13/12)


Ciao, darlings!
~Rio!

Holidays

Well... I sit here with nothing to do. Well... I must confess that I DO have something to do, but I'm to lazy to do it. I need to clean my "room" if that's what you want to call it. It's a small room. My bed takes up nearly the whole damn thing. Its funny. Sigh...

Thanksgiving is almost here. I can't wait. A huge turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, green beans, PUMPKIN PIE! Mmm... I wait ALL YEAR for some good ol' pumpkin pie. Just like I wait all year for the Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks. I only drink those around October/November and then in December I drink the Peppermint Latte. (Because It reminds me of Christmas) and it'll taste so much sweeter because I'll have some snow to enjoy it with. :D

As you can tell, I LOVE snow. I wait for it all year and then when it comes, I'm all giddy and happy. I'm more of a Winter person than a Summer person. Same goes with Fall. I love Fall because the leaves turn colors and it gets colder, signalling the beginning of the Winter season. Plus, putting up Christmas decorations and listening to Christmas music... YEAH!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

Well... that's all dearies.
Thanks for reading!
~Rio

Life

Life's a drag... I'm tired of unpacking boxes and I spent all day in bed and watched TV...
I'll have pictures of the new house and my new bedroom up soon... Sigh.
Oh. My cousin is coming from Quantico, VA to Hermiston, OR for three months. :) He's now a navy recruiter. I found it funny that a six foot something man fit into a submarine. ;3

Anywho... The floors creak whenever you walk on certain spots. Is it wrong to say that I like my small closet? Sigh...

Oh! So on my one wall I have this one shelf and I can put all my shit on it. (It's smallish, but long... that's what he/she said!) I have a built in dresser (That's handy because it saves me from packing around my dresser and I can sit on it without it breaking.. It's right in front of the window). As I've said before: The walls are Ninja Turtle Green. I still need to get Blue, Red, Purple, and Orange masks. (Inside joke between me and a friend) and a pizza box.

My plans for Halloween are simple: Stay inside, eat Domino's pizza, and watch Addams Family and Halloween cartoons.

Well... Pictures soon to come!

Ciao, bi-yatches

Rio

Precious Moments

Precious Moments

The moments we spent together were precious

From the first time I laid eyes on you

I knew that I had to have you

You were perfect in every way

From your big, green eyes

To that little smile you’d give me when you’ve done something wrong

I watched you grow

I felt our bond grow stronger each and every day

I watched lay around and do nothing

I watched as you struggled and fought

I watched you accept and deny

I watched as you slept on me every night

From nudging my hand to or getting in my face

In some way, you demanded my attention

I gave it to you 100%

You’re my pride and joy

You’re my baby

It’s the precious moments that made me love you

Your cuteness made my heart melt

When you’d want something

You’d turn those big, green eyes on me

Knowing that I cannot resist

You knew that my heart would melt

You had me on a string

As I willingly obeyed

You always had an ear to listen

As I babbled on and on

Even though I knew you didn’t have a care in the world

I watched you curl up and sleep on the softest blanket

For hours on end, until you got bored

I’m sorry I let you go

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you with me forever

I hope you remember all the precious memories we had

Because it was those very memories that we shared a bond

Those precious moments I will always cherish forever

Saying goodbye isn’t forever

It’s just saying ‘Until we meet again’

-Rio Donovoyn

Failure

I wish that I could have done things differently
To make you proud of me
But instead you're all disappointed in me
I'm sorry that I couldn't have done better
I'm sorry that I couldn't be who you wanted me to be
I'm sorry that I'm such a failure at life
You don't get the feelings that I have
Such guilt and disappointment
I want to crawl into a hole and cry
I want to disappear and never re-appear
Maybe if I disappear then you don't have to worry
About me disappointing you ever again
I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy
I'm sorry I'm such a fucking failure

Freaking Out

Well. I've had 2 panic attacks today and 1 anxiety attack. Those are always fun. :/
I STILL don't have my math done and I'm HOPEFULLY moving on Wednesday. Dammit... This fucking sucks.
I STILL haven't finished cleaning because I'm having a hard time getting it done!
My friend went up to Spokane, WA and won't be back until Thursday.
I'm NOT facing my grandmother WITHOUT my diploma. I already feel like shit. :(

I feel like shit... No... I feel LOWER then shit. I'm depressed and I don't want to ask anybody else for help because I can't handle the rejection. :/
I wanna scream, I wanna cry, I wanna throw a fit!

I guess I'm a failure. I'm useless... Sigh..

Dying

"If I died... Would you miss me?" 


I remember asking you that question and you said you would... Did you wanna test out that question? If I died tonight... Would you miss me? I remember all the good times that we used to have... I remember laughing and talking about whatever it is we used to talk about. I asked you the same question again and you never gave me a answer... You just blew me off... You say I'm your best friend... But I'm starting to doubt it now...

"Do you think we'll be best friends forever?" 


I asked you this and you said we would. Now you're just self absorbed. Here's how I see this playing out:

The rain is falling, drenching you in it's watery prison. Few are gathered around the coffin that now holds your dear friend. I see the sadness on your face and wonder if it's genuine. I wish that I could have stuck around longer, but I guess it never really mattered to you because you had something else going on. I felt like we were drifting apart and I guess that I was right. I don't even know who you are anymore... If I even knew in the first place. I gave and I gave and you didn't give me anything else in return.

But now I'm gone and what can you do now? Nothing, I suppose. You could go back to doing what it was before and keep ignoring your friends.

Fuck this

Thanks to you

I'm nothing but a broken spirit

I guess before you 

I was already broken

But you broke me further

Thanks alot

You didn't do anything 

I was there for you

But you never were there for me

Thanks for nothing

I guess this is goodbye

I'm so sick of all your drama

I'm so sick of all your bullshit

I think it's your turn

To give and give

And for me to not give anything in return

Thanks for alot of nothing

Thanks for ruining my life

Thanks for taking advantage

I guess people like you can never

Appreciate the friends you have

Frank Sinatra

Ah, good old Frank. He brings a warmth to my soul. He makes it sound like Christmas. He lifts my spirits and makes me feel good. :)

Thanks, Frank. :)
I owe you.

Samwise

Isn't a family supposed to love you no matter what you do?
Isn't a family supposed to motivate you and tell say that you can do it?
Isn't a family supposed to keep you UP off the ground instead of making you fall?

Well Well

At times, I wish that I could take it all away. All the words I once said, all the actions that I did, I wish that it would all melt away into nothingness so I wouldn't feel like shit. Once again, memories are bombarding me and I don't know how to get rid of them. People keep saying, "Don't think about them" or "shove it all away" That's easy for you to say, you're not the one who has to see them and re-live most of them. 

Recently, I have begun to talk to a few of my old friends from Marshall, MN. It's nice to hear from them after... Two years, I think? Wow... Have I been in Vancouver that long? Anyway... Life has been... Mediocre here in the city as I dream of a place away from the big city and into a small, rural town that I grew up in. Where's there's only two lanes of traffic, you can walk around, or just sit in coffee shops and not worry about being harassed. Oh, how I long for days such as those... 

I often thought about finding myself a boyfriend, but realized that nobody would love me the way that I hoped. Nobody would spare a second glance at a girl like me and I've grown to accept that... I hope college is better than high school ever was. 

I find myself longing for a job in a small bookshop, dreaming of making it big. But I soon realized that my dreams were to far fetched for a girl like me. Once again, I'm crashed into reality and my only hope is to dream about my dreams. 

I guess that's all I have to say for now. It was nice chatting with you. I hope we can do it soon once more. 

Baby

Dare I say... I like JB's Baby? 


Urgh. I have SO MUCH TO DO! 


Hopefully, mom can afford a really nice house in W2 (Walla Walla). Mmm... More room for my WWE posters!!! I can have a few shelves and have my WWE action figures and my fairy figurines... Some pictures of friends... Etc. Oh! I'll be getting a new bed, too! (Seeing as I'm being a good friend and giving my friends mine)... 


I'm so stoked to move! (Which is weird, but I like moving...). I'll have a job and be going to school. Which means: 


Paying mom rent + Tuition + Car Payments + Phone payments + Gas = A broke, but happy Samwise. 


Urgh. For now, I have to clean and sort through ALL my shit... :( 

Now What?

The constant noise around me is growing into a state of nothingness as I grow numb. The whispers in my head are growing louder and louder as I fall into the darkness. The cold, pale hands that pull me into the abyss are comforting, almost welcoming. Death wraps his cold, marble arms around me as I lean into him for comfort. Death has taken so many of my friends and family… Even if it’s only two or three… To me, it’s still one too many.

The smiles on my face are non-existent now. The happiness I once felt is gone. I wish I could say I’m happy, but on the inside, I’m numb. On the outside, it’s all a masquerade. I feel like dying… 

Everybody

I guess you can't face up to an argument, so when one arises, I guess we'll just ignore it, just like we always do. I can't do this anymore.. I need to argue when it arises. I'm not going to pussy out like you always do. You always hurt other people just to make them feel just as bad as you do.


My heart aches... There's a hole in my heart, my soul is bleeding... I need to free my mind... If I have to die to do it, then so be it. You make me feel like shit and you don't even realize it. I've had enough of it.


What did you even see in me, huh? You say you love me, but you always hurt me. Am I trying to get a point across? No, I'm not. You always pussy out when you feel scared and trapped against the damn fucking corner. Dave at least puts up a good argument-- Even when we weren't arguing.


I don't know what else to say... What else is there to say? Nothing, I suppose. Sometimes, I wish I never laid eyes on you... I wished I had never met you, then I wouldn't have fallen in love with you... Other's... I guess... I'm happy I did fall in love with you...


How hard is it for you to man up? Be the man you were when we first met... I loved that man. That cocky, brash, whatever it was... The one I loved so much... I don't know what else to say to you...


Sam..

Shyloh Mae Darling

...And so today's the day my little niece was born. 7lbs and 7oz. :D

Sleepless Nights

Hrm. This hasn't happened in awhile... I usually fall asleep around 1 or 2ishish... Now I'm up all night... Hrm... Maybe I need a shower? Who knows... But that does sound like a good idea. :) 


Ugh. I have Soooooooooooooooooooo much to do today. Here's my list: 


--> Clean bathroom
      - Scrub Tub
      - Scrub counter top
      - Scrub sink
      - Scrub around said sink and water nob thingy
      - Sweep and Vacuum bathroom floor
      - Clean and Scrub Toilet 
--> Clean Bedroom
      - Pick up trash
      - Get rid of dirty dishes
      - Pick up pop cans (Drain the full ones) 
      - Pick up books 
      - Pick up random CDs/DVDs/DVD cases off floor
      - Organize DVDs
           - Put them back in original cases
       - Pick up clothes 
       - Put away clean laundry
       - Vacuum
       - Clean Desk
       - Organize inside said desk 
--> Sort through clothes
--> Pack what I'm not using 
     - Misc. Books
     - Misc. DVDs
--> Pay library card fine
     - Find library books
     - Read or return said library books
     - Find new library books
--> Read books that have been in pile to read or am reading
     - Stolen
     - Salem's Lot
     - Sherlock Holmes
     - Invisible Monster (Re-read ) 
     - The Diary
     - Nancy Drew 
     - Little House On The Prairie
--> Go To Store
     - Buy Groceries
     - Shampoo
--> Relax
     - Nap
--> Email COCC
     - Tell them I'm not going
     - Email Juniper Hall
        - Tell them I'm not staying/going
--> Bedtime


**REPEAT ALL OF THE FOLLOWING STEPS EVERYDAY UNTIL COMPLETED! 


So, that's my day. 
What bout yours? 
    

Anger

What was your guess that I was pissed off?
Nobody wants your fucking advice
Because nobody cares about you


You think you're so high and mighty, well you can just kiss my ass you mother fucker.
Let me kill you because it would be the high light of my evening. Let me rip your flesh off you as I rip out all your organs. But before that, let me hear you scream out in agony as I torture you sweetly. Let me rip off your limbs as blood spurts out of your open wounds. Let me ruin your dreams of sweet, sweet, sorrow. 


I wish you would die, you stupid piece of shit. Nobody even likes you. Nobody asked for your fucking advice so do the world a fucking favor and just die already. I never liked you. I found you annoying and un-useful. 
God... Just do us all a fucking favor.
Go.
Die. 

High School

I've decided to get my high school diploma. Even though I don't get to graduate with the rest of my class- (Which is fine anyway because I don't like large groups of people)-- all I have to do is do another online math class and when I'm done, I'll get my diploma. AND STILL BE A 2011 GRADUATE! Like a boss~! :D
Then, I can submit an application to WWCC (Walla Walla Community College), if I get in then I get to schedule a placement test and then mom and I go to Walla Walla. It's on the computer and it'll take up to 3 hours (maybe, for me, it will) It's NOT timed (which is AWESOME) and I'll get better scores then I did at COCC testing.

Mom's thinking about buying a house in Walla Walla. I'm happy. :)
My rooms a mess... I should REALLY get cleaning.. But I'm way to lazy and I STILL have ZERO energy. Eh. I don't know.
My friend is due in a few days! Shyloh Mae Darling will be born! Whoot! :D I have a Skype date with my friend while she goes into labor. (I know... Weird, huh?)

Urgh. That's my new word. It's fun to say...
Say it...
Say it...
SAY IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

*cough cough* Anyway...

More later, darlings.

College

Well, I failed.  Again. I can't say I'm surprised. I just don't really care anymore. :D
I'll just go to Walla Walla with mom and the jerk uncle. I'll go to WWCC (Walla Walla Community College) and then transfer to Whitman University and do a double major. :D
Their dorm's are SWEET.
...
Of course... I realize as I did more research on this University..
Tuition: $40,180
Room and Board: $10,160
Est. Books/Supplies: $1,400
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Total: $52,056


They have a scholarship, my VA money should help... Financial Aid... Urgh.

 

Math

Sigh. Once again, I am forced to study my math. I have been all week. I've been reading my GED book and... Just reading it. I've done a few examples and looked at my notes and was up til around 4am studying. But I doubt my "mother" would believe me. Pfft... I don't know anymore.

I have so much cleaning and reading library books to do. I wish I had passed the fuckin' first time. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all this shit. :/

My brother is on his way over-- Again. He's a good teacher/helper/tutor... I guess... His dad gets on my nerves a little.

It's 3.05pm. I got up at... 2.00pm. Urg. I'm tired and I just wanna lay down, but I can't. I have shit to do today.

My list:

--> Laundry
--> Math
--> Reading
--> Garbage
--> Sorting through my stuff
--> Packing some stuff
--> Clean bathroom
--> Clean bathtub
--> Clean sink
--> Clean room
--> Vacuum
--> Make Dinner for myself

And every day... That list keeps growing and growing and growing some more... Can't I just relax?

Sigh.

More later. 

Movies

I rented 2 Jason Stathom movies. The first one was Blitz. My opinion?
--> Honestly? I think it could've been better. Jason did a good job playing the fucked up, crazy cop with his sexy as hell accent. (Did you know that he's actually British?) The movie itself was okay, I guess... The plot was... Eh, Eh.
--> The second movie is called "The Mechanic"
------> Honestly? I'm watching it RIGHT now and it's been good so far. Jason plays a sexy as FUCK assassin. The sex scenes are HOT as hell. I wish I could have Jason all to myself.... *swoonish sigh*
~~~~~~~~
I also watched a movie I've been waiting to see called:
Something Borrowed.
--> It was a good movie. Kate Hudson was a bitch in this role, though. I don't know much about her movies, but in this one... Eh, Eh..
The Vampires Assistant.
--> I've read the entire series by Darren Shan. Good books. The movie... Not so great. I loved Evra and Rebecca.

That's all the movies I've seen so far.
Oh! THEY'RE MAKING AN EXPENDABLES 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JET LI won't be in it, though. :(:(
.. Sad face... /sob

Anyway. This is Samwise with my daily report on movies. :D

Urgh. I sit in my bed, pondering over the possibilities of me getting into college. I have a pretty good feeling that I'm going to pass, but a nagging voice in the back of my head says otherwise. I mean, I've already made some new friends just by adding them through the Juniper Hall site on facebook. One of them added me first... Oh... I really, really, REALLY hope I pass. If I never needed God to do me a favor, I need him to grant me this one now. I haven't really asked for too much... I mean... Spiritually. Even though I hardly ever go to church anymore and I never prayed or believed in him... But there comes a time where I'm desperation enough to actually go and pray. I really need to get into this college because I dont' want to live at home with my mother and uncle for the rest of my life. I actually want to get out there and show my independence and freedoms from being away from home. I don't wanna move to Walla Walla, WA.

It's almost 2am and Jason is supposed to be by tomorrow. I've been studying and reviewing and reading the GED math book, but I don't know... Math is a hard subject for me to learn, I guess....

I'm tired.

G'night.

Update, 8.23.11

I was dreaming bout school. How weird is that? I was in class, talking (The teacher was out of the room) and doing my work, and then it was lunch time. Me and my roommate walked down to the lunch area and I wanted chicken nuggets, so I waited in line. And then I woke up. It was a very strange dream... And when I closed my eyes again, I was in the dream again. Hrm. Weird? I think SO! :D

I'm studying my ass off for next Tuesday. I hope to GOD I atleast get a 35 (You need a 34 to pass). I'm not getting my hopes up because of what happened last time-- But I've got a good feeling that I'll pass this time. (Which is good) I've acually been PRAYING to GOD. (I don't do that very often because I don't go to church). But like I said, I have a pretty good feeling that I'm going to pass this time.

Blegh. This is doing NOTHING to help ease my stress. I've been sleeping til noon again. I STILL have ZERO energy, and my shields are holding up pretty good. (Which is kind of strange. They're SHIT when I'm stressed).

I still need to clean and pack and... and... and... ARGH!!! I'm always tired and it's pissing me off. I just wanna lay around in bed all day. It's 82+ degrees outside and I'm tired. (I think I've already stated that...Ha).
I recently wrote a blog titled "Dreams ARE my future reality". If anybody is curious, it's not about you (You know who you are). But it IS about a family member. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that, but once I started, I couldn't stop.

Well, that's it, I guess.

My Dreams ARE my future reality

My finger tips touch the keyboard as they pause, wondering what I want to say. Music blares in teh background as I try to find something... Anything to type. It doesn't have to make sense, but at one point, I think it should. I don't know what else I'm trying to say, but I'm making it all up as I go along, trying to get myself to believe what I'm saying.

The words you say to me is nothing more than white noise. I try and block you out with every part of my being, but you keep pounding on my door, screaming at me to let you in. I hid in the corner, willing to make the noise go away as you break open the door. You grab my arm as you continuiously beat on me. You beat me because you have nothing left to live for. You beat me because you blame me for your failures. You beat me because you blame me for not being able to live.

You scream at me because you think you can. You abuse me because you think you can. Your words have become nothing more than mere whispers in my mind as I become fully numb. Once your asleep, I sit in that very corner you dragged me from and drink my whiskey. I drink whiskey because it chases my demons away for the time being. It makes me more numb as I tend to my wounds. I drink it because it pisses me off. I drink it because it helps me plot my revenge.

I silently go into your room and hit you with my baseball bat. I hit your head first as you flop around. You roll over and look at me. Rage is in your eyes as I raise the bat and hit it over your stomach. Over and Over I beat you. I beat you because I can. I beat you because you've caused me years of pain. I beat you because of all the dreams you've crushed. I beat you because you stole my innocence away from me. I beat you because I can. I beat you because you've caused me years of pain and you don't even realize what you've done.

I look at your bloodied form and pour gasoline over your dead body. I drink from my whiskey bottle as I take one last look at your disgusting form and the place you called home, the very place that I called hell. I pour gasoline on everything and pack one bag. I walk out and strike a match. I hear your soul screaming from the inside as you insult me. I throw the match as everything goes up into flames. I watch as the fire dances in front of my eyes. I watch because I'm getting satisfaction out of the fact that you're in hell and I'm not. I'm laughing at you because of how weak you really are.

When it's all said and done, you were nothing more than a weak son of a bitch. You can't hurt me anymore. I throw my whiskey bottle into the flames as it explodes. I turn on my heel as I walk away, never looking back, but looking foreward.

Stress

Well, I'm sleeping okay. (Yes!). My face is just really red and really hot... I'm way more tired than I should be.. I have zero energy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's the stress? It's not hot in my room. I have my fan and the AC on at 69 degrees. I'm also having some trouble breathing. I don't know what's wrong...

Urgh. I have loads of laundry to do... I have to study my ass off because not even in a week, I'm re-taking my ATB test. I WILL PASS IT, RAWR!!!!

I hate this. I wish I had passed the stupid test the first time. Sigh. Oh well... I fail... At everything... :/

That's all, for now.

Well, today is a sunny and happy day! I get to study and cram for my math exam that's on Tuesday. :D I don't know why I'm happy about that when I failed it the first time, but mom is damned sure that I'm going to pass it this time. We went to Barnes and Noble on our way home from Bend, OR yesterday and got two GED books. (One for math and I got another one for review and such). Sigh. I WILL do good. I'm going to have a positive attiude about this!!! :) She's going to pick up my smart brother to come help me cram and teach me the things that I'm having trouble in. :D Such a good brother... Helping out his lil sister like that. Hehehehehehehehe!

My dad called me yesterday when mom and I were getting gas for her new truck so we can go down to Bend. He "tried" to pull the guilt trip and it didn't work. He was saying shit like, "You know that you're the only grandchild who didn't go to college, right?" and "Well, it'd be nice if you could get your diploma, but what's done is done, I suppose. So try and get your GED and then I can go back to instead of trying to be proud of you, I CAN be proud of you!" What an asshole! I swear to GOD! Argh.

I can't wait to go to COCC. Mom and I checked it out (like mentioned above, lol) and Juniper Hall is WAY the fuck all up in the trees and hills. But it's within walking distance of some of the buildings of the campus. JH is on one side of the campus, while Barber Library is on the other side. It looks something post WWII or something. (The building). Mom and I were driving around the down-town area and saw an ANIME SHOP!!! A HUGE ONE!!!! I was SOOOO excited. I went in there and it was amazing. ^w^ Hehehehehehehe!!

I love Bend. It has a population of, like, 80,*** people and it's smallish. Not like Vancouver, but more like Marshallishsish. (Only with more to do). I'm excited to (hopefully) live there. The drive down there (Depending on which way you go) can be long, but I got to see Mt. Hood close up. Not alot of snow, but it's there. The climate change didn't really bother me as much, my ears didn't pop like I thought they would. I slept for most of the way, cause I was tired as fuck. Ha.

When I didn't pass the ATB (Ability To Benefit) test, I felt like crying. I walked out of the building, swallowing my sobs and trying to get in control of my emotions. My thoughts were running wild. I kept thinking, "I'm tired of failing. I'm sick of it!" and so on and so forth. Well, TIME TO CRAM/STUDY!

First ranting of August 1st!

AUGUST 1st! I've been on a "King of the Hill" Marathon kick...
Onto the ranting:
Well, I wish I could say that I wasn't officially FUCKED. Stupid mother fuckers from Idaho is taking waaaay to fucking long to send in my final test and I'm running out of time for my final test. I'm sick and tired of waiting and if they don't exempt me from like... 2 credits or something for one stupid basic math class, I'm going to explode and break into the school vault and steal my own fucking diploma. I really hate to say this, but I wish that I had graduated instead of my friend. I'm at least going somewhere with my future and she's just staying home taking care of her soon to be born child.
I haven't heard from my father in a few months... weeks... days... Like I care? Or should I? Oh well. Oh! I got back in touch with a good friend of mine from 8th grade. I dunno... Anyway, back to my annoyed ranting.
I mean, going to Bend, OR wasn't my first choice in going to college at all. My first choice was going back to Minnesota and going to college near friends and whatever, but everybody else thought that they had "convinced" me to go to college near home because they think that I can't make it out on my own... which pisses me off because then I can't prove to them that I am a unique individual. I'm NOT getting stuck in the fucking Washington/Oregon area the rest of my fucking life... I'd like to move to Ireland or maybe Texas? Somewhere where I won't be with people who tell me what to do all the time. They think that they can "conform" me like some fucking religion and it pisses me off. I'm not THEIR little puppet or THEIR little bitch that they can control or whatnot.
Oh! and another thing that pisses me off the most is that my friends keep asking my mom for pills (which at first was okay) but then they just kept asking and asking and then they asked me to sneak them some or whatever and I did... My friend owes me 20 bucks and she keeps forgetting. My friends fiancee is the lead singer in his band called "Nazfiratu" and he keeps fucking up his head with his mic and he just looks at me and asks for some fucking pain pills. He has to sell his because he "needs the money". Well, fuck! IF YOU WOULD STOP SELLING YOUR FUCKING PILLS, MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANY FUCKING PAIN AT ALL YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!! and he's totally demanding of my friend. For example: My friend (who shall rename nameless in this rant) got offered a piece of land and the first words out of his mouth were "I guess I'll have to quit the band" or when our friends might move up to Bellingham, WA, the first words out of his mouth were "I guess the bands over". What a fucking PRICK! He's only thinking about himself and his fucking band that's going NOWHERE! They're all talk and they won't do anything. Good fucking GOD! Thank God I'm getting out of here as soon as I fucking can, y'know? I mean, I have alot to say and I don't really fucking care if they both read this or not, it's my opinion and I hope that it hurts their feelings, honestly. They need to quit relying on other people and start relying on themfuckingselfs! It's getting to the point to where they practically live at my own house. I mean, sure, it was okay in the beginning but I mean, I'm not even that fucking rude or whatnot and I don't go bulling around my friends, even if it is just joking around.  Next time he takes things to fucking far, I'm just going to growl "Keep your fucking hands off me!" and/or shove him. I'm tired of all his (he too shall rename nameless) fucking bullshit and whatnot. He's a good friend, but sometimes they both take things way to far.
In other new, (Now that I think I've got it all out of my system): I can't sleep anymore! (Well, I can, sometimes, lol) I've been staying up all night and sleeping all day and I'm getting pissed off about it because then I'm tired and have 0 energy to do anything.
Oh. did I mention that my mom and uncle are going to be smoking in the house now? They made our apartment building an "Smoke-free zone" Great... Just what I fucking need. My immune system is shit already... It's like Marshall all over again... I can't wait until I move out.
I'm running out of things to rant about... Which is probably good because I feel alot better now that I bitched to the choir.

My Dearest... Fluffball? (Aparently that's my blogs name now.. .Considering it's 1am and I'm tired as fuck!... lol. :) )

My dearest... Fluffball?


Let me be the first to apologize on ignoring you for so long. I guess I haven't been blogging like I should have and I'm sorry for that. (I'm sure Kat is sorry, also, lol).

It's finally July. Just two more months and then I'm off to college. I'll have my snow and my thunderstorms back! ^w^ ~

Just two more months and then I'm on my own. I'll be off into the real world and it'll be fucked up. lol.

Sleepless nights have once again been following me. For the past few weeks (or fuck... ever since July started, but mostly the past few weeks) I've noticed that my sleeping patterns have changed. (It's kind of hard not too, lol). I'll stay up all night and then I'll sleep all day. Fucked up, isn't it? I think my internal body clock is finally like, "Wait, why are we having Samwise going to bed so early?! It's summer! She ALWAYS stays up all night and sleeps all day during the summer!" (Sarcasm) So I'm glad that my internal body clock decided to catch up in the times with me... NOT!

I haven't cleaned my room since... May... I think... It's along time for a room to be all messy. BUT! There is no trash or dirty dishes laying around. Or pop cans and/or water bottles. :)

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that mom and my uncle are moving to Walla Walla, WA? I hear that WW, WA get's hella thunderstorms. L-U-C-K-Y!!

My two friends are pregnant and they're both having daughters. They named their kids: Shyloh (For reference, watch Repo! The Genetic Opera) and Ember. (No reference for that... lmao)

My life has been... Bleak, I guess to say. Sleeping all day leaves me with like... NO energy whatssoever. I guess you could say that it pisses me off some, but it's whatever. My excuse is, "Getting all the sleep I get because once I leave for college, I can't sleep in unless it's the weekends and holidays, and I'm lucky to even sleep in on the weekends"

Oh! Speaking of college... I GOT INTO THE DORMS!!!! I'LL BE STAYING THERE THE ENTIRE YEAR I'M AT SCHOOL!

I'm just a TAD excited, lol. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOO happy about that. I've been going through my clothes and books and DVD's and whatever else I'm going to pack with me to TAKE to the dorms and WHAT NOT to take with me. Makes sense, right? I think it does... So FUCK YOU! lol. :)

I dunno... I guess that's it for now. I'll blog back later. :)

Ciao,
Samwise.

From me, to you.

I am a whisper in the wind as my body harbors the thing called my soul. I am nothing more than a name with a face as I offer my silent opinion, tending to stay in the corner and be by myself rather than go out and socialize. I silently watch the crowd in front of me, offering a small, hidden, smile, to those to pass me by as my thoughts try to process. The loud, rumble, of what I once thought was peace is now something destructive as it brings me nothing but pain and sorrow. The voices constantly grow louder as my guilt constantly stabs and prods my every thought, my every move, my every word.

I cry alone from the pain of constantly being alone. With all my friends, I am still constantly and will always be alone. My friend's don't notice as I put on that happy face, but when I get home, the facade drops as the tears start rushing down my face. The pain of knowing that I am mearly a face in the crowd, knowing that I am replaceable, brings me down.

Shall I do everybody a favor and continue to be non- existent? I'm sorry I'm not brash and wild like you, but I like being conscious, I like being aware, and I like being in control of my emotions and myself. It brings me peace of mind in knowing what I'm doing is right instead of something that's completely wrong. I'm me and you're you. I'm not going to change anything about me to try and please you. Honestly, if you even try and take the time to get to know me, I'm more... Loud and brash... I'm more talkative. But nobody ever does take the time.

I'm comfortable in my own skin... Most of the time. Sure, I want to be skinny. I want to fit into my favorite clothes and say that everything will be okay. The face staring back at me in the mirror is one that I hardly even recognize anymore. I've lost so much of myself that I don't even know what my values are... If I even had any.

Sleepless nights do nothing with these stupid mind fucks. I lay, curled up in the middle of my floor, sobbing. The pain is intense and I just want to be held and told that everything will be okay... That the pain will eventually fade. I want someone to say that they love me and that they truly mean it. But at the same time, I'm afraid. Nobody wants an over-weight girl... They all want their barbies and they want their kens. I'm not perfect.

Are you ready to get to actually "know" me? You see what I want you to see. You hear what I want you to hear. You know what I want you to know. If I tell you too much, you might use it against me later on. All these unwanted memories flood my mind as I beg and plead for them to go away, doing anything to try and forget those horrible memories.

The reality of it all comes crashing down onto me all at once. My stress levels are through the roof as it frustrates me to no end. Maybe that's why I'm having my frequent breakdowns so often. I know what I want and I know how to get it, but I don't. I know what I want to say and how to say it, but I keep it quiet. I keep to myself. I offer no opinion. I sit by my window and look at the cold, gray, skies as they continue to weep, day dreaming about the life I wanted. If you ask me the truth, I'll give it to you. I don't care about your feelings, you asked me, so I told you. But at the same time, I do care about your feelings, but then again, you asked.

"Fragile Heartbeat" That is me. My heart is fragile as is the rest of me. I can put on an act and have everybody fooled, even myself. But when that adrenaline rush wears off, I have nothing to lean against, I crash onto the floor and weep. When is enough? How does one know when to stop and finally rest? I wish to rest my eyes... Even for a few minutes.

Can I rest my eyes and finally go to sleep? Can I forget about everybody, even for a few hours and worry about myself?

Just for a few minutes.

Please?

JUNE!

It's finally June!
So many days until graduation!
My last day is the 15th

Angry Rant #2

God. I don't even know why I'm so fucking pissed off, but I am! I'm pissed off because I don't even know WHY I'M PISSED OFF!

Is it life?
Is it love? (or lack of...)
Is it hate?
Is it emotions?
Is it friends?
Is it school?

Someone to fall back on

I'll never be
A knight in armor
With a sword in hand,
Or a kamikaze fighter;
Dont count on me
To storm the barricades
And take a stand,
Or hold my ground;
Youll never see
Any scars or wounds -
I dont walk on coals,
I wont walk on water:
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
I am not anyones wildest dream,
But I will stand behind
And be someone to fall back on.

Some comedy -
Youre bruised and beaten down
And Im the one
Whos looking for a favor.
Still, honestly,
You dont believe me
But the things I have
Are the things you need.
You look at me
Like I dont make sense,
Like a waste of time,
Like it serves no purpose -
I am no prince,
I am no saint,
And if thats what you believe you need,
Youre wrong - you dont need much,
You need someone to fall back on...

[Someone To Fall Back On Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]


And Ill be that:
Ill take your side.
If Im the only one,
Im used to that.
Ive been alone,
Id rather be
The half of us,
The least of you,
The best of me.
And I will be
i'll be Your prince,
Ill be your saint,
I will go crashing through fences
In your name. I will, I swear -
Ill be someone to fall back on!
Ill be the one who waits,
And for as long as youll let me,
I will be the one you need.
Ill be someone to fall back on
ill be someone to fall back on
one to fall back on...

Sonata Arctica-- Tallulah

Remember when we used to look how sun sets far away?
And how you said: "This is never over"
I believed your every word and I guess you did too
But now you're saying : "Hey, let's think this over"

You take my hand and pull me next to you, so close to you
I have a feeling you don't have the words
I found one for you, kiss your cheek, say bye, and walk away
Don't look back 'cause I am crying...

I remember little things you hardly ever do
Tell me why
I don't know why it's over
I remember shooting stars, the walk we took that night
I hope your wish came true, mine betrayed me

You let my hand go, and you fake a smile for me
I have a feeling you don't know what to do
I look deep in your eyes and hesitate a while...
Why are you crying?

Tallulah, It's easier to live alone than fear the time it's over, oo-ooh...
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me, oh, Tallulah,
This could be... heaven

I see you walking hand in hand with long-haired drummer of the band
In love with her or so it seems, he's dancing with my beauty queen
Don´t even dare to say you hi, still swallowing the goodbye
But I know the feelings still alive, still alive

I lost my patience once, so do you punish me now
I'll always love you, no matter what you do
I'll win you back for me if you give me a chance
But there is one thing you must understand

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

Tallulah, It´s easier to live alone than fear the time it´s over
Tallulah, find the words and talk to me ,oh, Tallulah,
This could be...

Mark. 3/31/11 March

I guess I don't even know what the fuck to do anymore. One minute everything's going ok and then the next it's gone bad. This fight was worse than all the other ones. We basically told each other that we're over and to go fuck off. But I guess if you ever read this, you won't care. I'm pissed off, I'm sad, I'm not happy. I'm fustrated. I guess I don't expect anything out of you anymore, or what to even think. But I guess the thought goes both ways, doesn't it?

How far can we keep on going? How much more can we endure before we finally call it quits? Didn't we already call it quits? I don't even know what to say to you anymore, not tonight anyway. Or even tomorrow. I don't know. I guess there's always two sides of this story whenever we say what we say. Actions speak louder than words. A picture is worth a thousand words.

I don't even know what do say right now... Should I offer you a bunch of apologies? Tell you how much I need you? How much I want you?

I guess I won't see you in the morning.
I guess I won't see you in the afternoon.
I guess I won't see you in the night.
I guess I won't see you when I sleep.
I guess I won't see you when I wake.
I guess I won't see you in the corner of my eye
I guess I won't see you following me
I guess I won't see your smirk anymore
I guess I won't hear your laughter
I guess I won't see you smiling
I guess I won't hear you talking
I guess the only thing I'll see is your back as you walk away from me.

I guess this is it. I guess this is the end. I'm not expecting anything of you after you read this...

Goodbye My Lover.

Stress

            Why must you put on such stress upon me? Can’t you see how tired I am? Can’t you see how stressed out I am? I don’t even know what to say to make your problems go away when I have my own. I end up crying myself to sleep at night because I’m in pain. Depression has been eating away at me more and more, making me more tired. I’m worn down to the core and I can’t go on anymore, but with what little self will and worth I have, I manage to dwindle to survive the week, I’ll muster up. I’ve been having more panic and anxiety attacks more and more because of all this fucking stress. My family’s pretty much saying that I’m not going to be successful in my life, but no matter how much I try, no matter how hard I try to ignore it and move on, it haunts me in my dreams; maybe I need to go back on pills to calm me down, keep me focused, but I also don’t want to succumb to the effects of said pills. I barely get to blog or write anymore because I’m so busy.

            My energy is being yanked from my body faster than it usually does. All my teachers have no faith in me anymore, basically telling me that I’m a failure in the making. That I’ll never make anything of myself—that alone should be motivation enough. Nobody will let me catch a breath. My own insecurities have people at arm’s length as I shove them away, further and further. Most people don’t believe me when I tell them as they laugh at me. Guess maybe if I disappear one night, maybe they’ll miss me. I don’t know anymore… I wanna go to sleep and never wake up…

FB Convo

To what extent? To knowing that someday, the happiness with eventually fade? The knowlege that you gained over the years will eventually decay? That you didn't care what people thought of you so you made your own mark in the world, in your ...own life... Knowing that you're going to face extention and you can't do a damn thing about it? Or is it the knowlege that you KNOW you're in a depression and try almost anything to get out if it, but no matter what you do, you're not interested in anything anymore? You try to put the smile on your face, trying to fool the people around you, sure, at times, you feel happy on the inside, but behind closed doors, away from the world, you're crying because you feel like a worthless person? Knowing that it hurts to put the smile on your face, to make it act like it's all ok? Yeah, life's a bitch. You can go on fooling the people around you, but they know that you're not okay, no matter how many times you say "I'm okay". You put pen to paper, but nothing is written because you have nothing to write, no matter how hard you try, you can't find the words to say what you're thinking because you're afraid of the reactions. So you stay quite, you hide yourself away in a box and no matter how hard you try to leave your box, your comfort zone, you can't do it. Even though you have words to say, you can't find the courage to say them. You don't care what people think or say about you, but deep down, it hurts you, so you keep to yourself in your own little world. Life's a bitch. You could take the cowards way out and kill yourself, or you could face life head on, no matter how much it hurts. You feel alone, even with your friends... Even though you know... You KNOW you don't fit in with them. The only reason you stay is because of the closure. The sense of knowing that you belong, the feeling that you're acually loved for who you are. People that don't care what you look like, because eventually, they become more then friends. They become family. They can only do so much for you, before you finally crack. Knowlege is power, but the power eventually fades.See More

Emotionally Distant

You say that I’m distant

You say that I hide my feelings

You say that I’m closed off

You say that I don’t have any feelings

You say that I’ll never be in a relationship

You say that I have my box

You say that you want into my space

You say that you want to get to know me

You say that you want to love me

You say that I don’t cry

You say that you want me to share

You say you want me to share

You say that you want me to love you back

You say you want me to say those words that you always say

You say I’m a bitch

You say that you’re tired of it all

You say that you want me to open up

You say you want me to be normal

I ask you why you love me

I ask you why you want me to say it back

I ask you if it brings you any contentment

I ask you why you care

I ask you to leave me alone

I ask you to give me space

I ask you to let me adjust

I ask you to leave me in my box

I ask you to respect me and my box

I ask you to give me time

You say that I’m emotionally distant

You say that I’m distant in general

You keep asking me why I’m distant

I ask you why it even matters

You say that you love me

I ask you “Do You?”

You say that you do

I tell you why I’m distant

“It started when I was thirteen” was my reply

Maybe you’re right

Maybe I won’t have anybody else in my life

Maybe I won’t let anybody else in

Maybe I block everything out

Maybe I block it out because of the anger, the hurt, and the sadness

Maybe I even block out the happiness

To me, I like my box

To me, you are nothing

To me, you’re just another person

To me, I see myself

I look at my reflection and weight my thoughts

‘Am I pretty enough?’

‘I wish I was like her’

‘I wish I was accepted’

‘I wish I was perfect’

You say I need to change

You say I need to “Be Myself”

You say I need to smile more

You say I need to laugh more

I ask you why I should change

I ask you “What does that mean?”

I ask you if you’ve seen me smile

I ask you if you’ve seen me laugh

Give me a chance

Give me hope

Give me time

Give me space

Give me faith

Give me love

I don’t like the same things you do

I don’t like the same clothing as you

I don’t have the same friends you do

I don’t have anything as you

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

I’m perfect in my own way

I’m perfect in my world

I’m perfect in my eyes

I’m perfect in my version of “myself”

I’m perfect in my own justification

I may be emotionally distant

I may be physically distant

I may be physiologically distant

I may be distant in general

You can’t change who I am

You can’t change what I believe

You can’t change my morals

You can’t change my entire being just to please you

You can’t change me just because I have a flaw

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

You may like it

You may not like it

You may hate it

You may detest it

I am beautiful

And nothing can bring me down