Mark.

Mark,


How I wish the days we spend together could be longer, my sweet vengence. But alas, time, it seems has different plans. Even though I don't say it as often as I should, and I always give you a hard time, I do care about and love you.

I'm brash, bold, blunt, and brutally honest. I'm wild, weird, and have a very bad cursing problem. I do things my way and fight til the end. I dress for me and not anybody else. I hate pink and anything preppy. My pride is high and I have honor. My ego is as big as my pride. I'm one of the guys. I'm a sarcastic asshole. Not no girly-girl.

Baby, I'll rock your world. I'm not like any other girl you've been with. I'm into some pretty weird shit, can you keep up?

Remember, baby. The games have begun.
Choose your partner wisely. You never know if they're going to betray you.

Sam.

Gaudium

How can I say I'm sorry if you won't believe me? I know what I did was wrong...but I kept doing it over and over again... How can you stand to be around me? Maybe Kane shoulda left me dead...that way I wouldn't've cost you any pain...

When I said "I do" I knew that I loved you... I still do, but I understand if you won't forgive me.

I'm spiralling...
Down a road of sadness and dispair... 
Try as I might
My smile doesn't last long...
These feelings of happiness...
Doesn't last forever...

I'm doomed to the darkness
Once again becoming it's child
When I needed you the most
You just ran off..

You can't see that I'm hurting...
You see what I want you to see
But on the inside...
I'm aching...

Read Me.

Sweet death, how you make such a tempting offer. To join you for all eternity into the sweet oblivion. No worries, not a care in the world. All you had was time... To make it my own personal heaven. Ah, how I wish I could be there right now... Basking in the happiness of what you have to offer me.

I put on quite a show, don't I? Laughing and smiling, when deep down, I'm hurting inside... My core is numb and I can't feel anything but pain... Once again, the darkness has me in it's clutches. I cried 5 times today... All of which I do not know why, but the pain in my chest is quiet self explanatory.

I try not to worry you... So I'll put on the show... Tell you I'm happy, cause I know what you'll say. "Suck it up. People have it worse than you do!" or something along those lines.

But wait...
Is that..
A sliver of hope?

He's patient
He's strong
He loves me.
He's by my side
He's not going away.
He's stubborn.

Fuck, both of 'em are.

Randy.
Mark.

My lion man,

Hunter.

I'm sorry... This struggle is always constantly upon me. The darkness clutches my soul. I let you see what I want you to see.

I get so caught up in one love, I forget about the rest.

Randy,

I want you to know that I love you, that I always will. I'm sorry for ignoring you... Our time together is something I cherish. My sweet venom... How you bring a smile to my lips. When I stay up late, like I am today, I sit and I watch you sleeping... How off guard you are, making it easy for me to just slit your throat... but I don't think or do such things, for you are my life... Apart of my soul.
How you piss me off so easy. The IED only makes it worse, making me want to wrap my hands around your throat and squeeze...Making it so you can't breath anymore. So you're out of this plain of existence. But I don't. I love you... Those three little words that could break anybody. I don't say it often enough, only because I'm not that type of girl.

<3,
Sam.

Mark,

You know I love you. My sweet vengeance. You're probably tired of hearing it, so I stop saying it less. Sleepless nights are becoming more frequent, controlling my everything thought...every breath I draw, every blink I make... I'm its slave. I watch you sleeping... You're so peaceful...All relaxed and not having a care about whats going on around you. I sit next to you and stroke your hair, a soft smile placed on my lips. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if Kane hadn't brought me back... I'm not going to dwell on it, only because you don't want to hear it.
Forever.

Taker,

My sweet heat. How wicked you are. Silent...Always remaining in the shadows... Like a predator stalking it's prey. Only... Who is your prey tonight? Will I always be your "Lil Thing?" For time...is constantly moving foreword.
Choose wisely. For the games, have officially begun.
Lil thing.

And last, but not least,

Hunter,

My wicked lion man. How your arms welcome me whenever we embrace. The beat of your heart against my ear... The heat from your body lulls me to sleep... The sound of you laughing, brings a smile to my lips and makes my heart beat a little faster. I'm sorry for ignoring you... For the times we do share together brings me much joy.
Sam.


I only wish I didn't have to choose... But can I make all three of them mine?
Or, shall I say...
Make both of them mine? (*Seeing as Mark is already mine*)

The games have officially begun.
Choose wisely.

Cleaning.

46 days til my Birthday


Jesus Christ! Looking back on some of my recent posts, I realize that they've all been about death and depression. Shiiiit! :\

Cleaning is a bitch. My closet is clean (*For the most part*), my room isn't. I still have shit to go through... *sighs* Ah cleaning, thou art a heartless bitch!

I'm hungry and I don't know what the fuck I wanna eat. I'm in better spirits today, for I am keeping my mind occupied to think of anything else. (*Which, I need...*)

Been a pretty blase day. Snowed earlier, rain, sun, then more rain. Got up at 2pm...Went to bed at 5am. *sigh* Oh well...

More later.

My Black Rose

Looking back, I begin to realize that maybe you were right.

Sweet, sweet death, how you look at me with such agony in your eyes. My sweet sacrifice, why do you cry? Why do I have these cuts on my arms? My ruby red drips onto the floor, like rain drops, slowly, but beautifully. I am nothing more than a vessel, a shell. My soul resides in this body, but my heart does not. Tears, slowly make their way down my face at the realization. The very truth I was trying to deny from the start.

My heart...it aches. For I do not know what for, but it does. All the roses turn to black at my touch, making them more beautiful.

The life in my eyes, they once held a spark. Now? They hold nothing...they're blank... dull, sad. Sleep, doesn't exist to me anymore... My life... whirls around me, but I hardly notice.

"What do you want?" Death asks... My heart stops beating. My breath, stills in confusion. What do I want? "I don't know...I don't want anything..." I answer back. What do I really want? Do I want death? Do I want life? Where's my light? My safe zone?

I'm numb... I don't...understand why this is happening now... I swallow a sob in attempt to pull myself together... Why is my life suddenly shattered? I curl in on myself. Unshed tears rush down my face in my failed attempt to keep them in...

Depression. Why must you come into my life? Why must you ruin everything good? I try in attempt to save myself... but I grab the knife anyway... The cold metal runs against my warm, pink flesh as I attempt to make myself feel better... but nothing works... I'm just to damn numb.

I fade into the darkness as my inner child runs towards you, arms outstretched and crying. "Save me! somebody help me, please!" she screams, tears rushing out of her sapphire eyes. But you keep moving ahead. "Please! Somebody save me!" I watch with tear filled eyes at her attempt...no...my attempt... Her little body is still running... Long, blonde locks trailing behind her as she still runs, still screaming. "Save me! I'm stuck and I need help! Somebody!"

She stops as she realizes that nobody will come... She turns back to me, eyes filled with tears. "Help us, Sam... You have to hit rock bottom before you get better, remember?" I nod as memories hit me full force. All of them with friends, laughing, smiling...having a good time. That was before depression hit. Back in the day when everything was good...

I sink to my knees, tears, rush down my porcelain face, my sapphire eyes... are glassy. My inner child... doesn't understand... "She's angry and sad all the time..." she says, her voice clogged with tears... "She needs...she needs help... I wanna be happy again...I wanna laugh and not have a care in the world..." She was meaning the both of us... I fall to the floor, weak and pale. She's right...

"You have to hit rock bottom before you can get better..." So. I know what I have to do.

I have to hit rock bottom.

Dear Agony

47 days til my Birthday.


Since I had nothing better to do today, after I got back home I started cleaning my closet. Yeah, here come the fucking jokes, "Sam came out of the closet!" Well, fuck y'all! 

I'm a sweetheart.
yes yes.
I'm tall.
The most used sentence out of my mouth is 'Fuck You', out of reflex.
Deep meaningful conversations are my thang.
I love people.
But I cherish my alone time.
I hate girls.
Yet, I'm bi.
I guess I have a sense of humor.
The names Sa5m, I'm weird.
Not alot of people take me seriously.
I'm sarcastic.
I'm not 'hip' or 'wit it'.
I'm simple.

Does that say enough about me? Can I make it any simpler? I hate unwanted drama. I hate drama in general, yet, I'm constantly surrounded by it at school. (*Which, I'm hoping college is waaaaay better...*)

I'm a secret. I'm a jem. I'm one of a kind. I put on the smiles, I laugh, I cry, I get pissed. I get frustrated. I'm slightly bigger than the skinny barbies...did I let that bother me? Sure, for awhile. Until I realized that all I had to be was myself. I don't let it bother me anymore. I say 'Fuck You' because I simply don't care about it anymore...

I may not know alot of 'new' or 'hip' stuff, but then again, do I really care? I'm honest. I don't want to hurt you, but after getting stepped on so many fucking times, I don't really care about society.

Family and Friends are my world. I may not show it...but it does. I don't hug, I don't kiss, I don't like being touched in general. I come off as distant, shy and quiet... When really, I'm loud, bold, and still slightly distant. I put my barriers up, never letting them fall, never letting my guard down. I'm always on the watch. I don't trust easy. You have to work to get my trust. I try and be a good friend, but they know not to fuck with me.

I like Metal, Rock, Screamo, Heavy Metal, Alternative Rock, Country, Rap... I'm still trying to find out 'Who I am'. What's my scene? What's my clothing style? I wear black clothes. My fingernails are black. I wear Tripp pants. I shop at Hot Topic. Does that make me Gothic or emo? No. It makes me different. I know I'm not popular, I'm not a Cheerio (*Cheerleader, Glee reference*)  

Even after all that, are you still willing to be my friend? Am I worth the time and the trouble? Will I ever be? No. I'm not worth the time, No, I'm not worth the trouble. Will I ever be worth any of that? Hell Yes. I may come off as clingy, but I'm not. I have emotions. I have a heart. 

I'm nice and kind. I'm not disrespectful. Don't test my temper.

You know what that makes me? 

Human.

Its hard to say goodbye to yesterday

It’s hard to say goodbye to yesterday

Samwise

                I kept telling myself that I always knew the risks… I didn’t expect to fall completely in love with him… No… I didn’t… I stare off into space, wondering, thinking, pondering… if’s, ands, buts, when, where’s, how’s, whys… They’re all running around in my head. I always knew that it would happen later… I didn’t expect it to happen this soon… No… The bed is cold on his side… The house…feels empty… I can smell him… See him… Feel his arms around me still…

                His funeral was held on a Friday, her favorite day of the week… The wind blew her hair softly, playing with it as tears ran down her face. She was dressed in his blue bandana and Big Evil shirt with his necklace on.

How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.

                It was his favorite blue bandana… The one he always wore… I watched as they lowered his coffin into the ground, slowly, it started to disappear. She bit her lip in attempt to keep the sob back, but she let out a small whimper as she leaned into Randy’s arms, imagining they were Mark’s.

I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

                They promised Always and Forever…but it didn’t turn out that way. Slowly, the pack started to disappear, leaving her alone as she knelt in front of his grave, the tears coming faster now, voice full of tears. “W-we promised forever, baby…” she started, her shoulders quivering with the sobs she’s trying to hold back. “I never expected this day to come so soon… I need you with m-me…” she sniffled, arms wrapping around her.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

                “I can remember the first time we made love… it was slow… romantic… You told me how much you loved me… Promised me forever and always…” she said, the breeze floating over her, offering her no comfort in the December coldness. “Or that time I put pink hair dye in your shampoo…” she started, sniffling. “I miss you, baby… Please…Please…”

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

                She leaned over and kissed the cold marble of his grave, sobbing harder. She rested her tired, aching body against the side and rested. Tears still slipping out of her eyes, her voice soft; “I love you, baby…” She looked at his tomb, tracing the letters.

Mark Calaway

1965-2010

Husband, Father, Friend

Rest in Peace

                Randy and Hunter found her body the next day, a soft smile playing on her lips as they found a note on her lap.

I’ve got her now…we’re both happy.

Mark.

The Viper and the Wolf II (In-complete)

The Viper and the Wolf II

By: Sa5mwise

            She was addicted to him. She was addicted to his taste, his smell…she was addicted to everything that he is. She wanted to play that dangerous game that she loved… She shivered in anticipation, but she didn’t want to go to the club, she smirked slightly. She left her scent all over him, in hopes that his animal would be able to track her later…and she wasn’t disappointed with the results. Oh yes, let the games begin!

            ‘Let’s Fuck’ rang throughout her condo as she shook her hips with the beat. She was wearing only a mini leather skirt and a tiny black tank top that read ‘Devil’s plaything’ written across her breasts. She was head banging to the words as she sang along. She twisted and turned her body, grinding down on air as she imagined Randy behind her, grinding into her ass, she moaned at the thought.

Venting...or is it Ranting?

I'm so fuckin' SICK of being your play thing. Tired of being used by you. I always have to hold back what I say because I don't want you to break down and cry. Well...I'm fuckin' done.

The world doesn't revolve around YOU! So suck it the fuck up and fucking deal with it! God. All you are is a whiny little bitch. If something goes wrong, you always whine and bitch, thinking that everybody will come around and help you out. You're just doing it for the fucking attention! God, are they all just fucking BLIND?!?

I'm not blind. Grow the fuck up and suck it the FUCK UP!!!!! God, all you do is piss me off. 
You know what? I have a fucking name. Fucking USE IT! In case you forgot, my name is SAM!
S-A-M! It's not "Sammi" or "Samantha" It's SAM!!!! 

God, grow some fucking balls and live your life. If you're going to kill yourself, fucking do it. All you are is all bite and no fucking bark. Grow some fucking chops and leave me the FUCK ALONE! Christ...

You may think I care about you, but I really don't. I don't fucking care about your fucking petty fucking problems. I never really gave two flying fucking shits.

This? This is me fucking calm. You don't want to see me fucking riled up, because bitch, it ain't gonna help your fucking cause any. God...you're so fucking annoying...

Stop pushing me the fuck around. All you see is a facade of happiness, when underneath is a raging fucking beast ready to tear your fucking ass apart. All you are is fucking drama and I don't want to fucking be around it anymore. Christfuck!

You Save Me From Myself.

What did I do to deserve you? I ask myself that question every day... You're such a handsome man, wonderful and loving... I know it gets hard, loving me... You could have had anybody... Why me? Listening to this song...reminds me of you... Sometimes...

Save Me From Myself
Christina Aguilera

It's not so easy loving me
It gets so complicated
All the things you've gotta be
Everything's changin
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

When I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waitin
with your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself
from myself, yes
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Cuz some guys have shown me aces
But you've got that royal flush
I know it's crazy everyday
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm cryin
Cuz when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin
You always save me from myself
from myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
a better woman to myself
to myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

Funksville...Part 1

The count down for my birthday officially beings!
51 days.

I'm currently listening to Christina Aguliera's "Hurt".

My mind...is drawing a current blank on what I want to say, my thoughts... are all scrambled and like puzzle pieces. Constantly trying to fit the pieces. I guess I don't know what I'm really writing, could it be just...ramblings or something more?

Sitting all alone in my room, TV on mute...music going... I should be happy, right? I mean, it's my favorite time of the year...Why am I... silent...sad...?

"Whats up?" Mark asked..

What is up? I silently ask myself, I cannot come up with an answer...So I make something...

"I'm just having baby blues" I reply, hoping he'd buy it...Looks like he did...

I don't know what I want...

"We're in a rut" I tell him, "Always doing the same things over and over again..."

Then why is my heart aching so much?

"I miss the old us..." He replys.

What is the old us? I'm still the carefree bitch I always am... *sighs softly*

What is it that's truly missing? Why can't I find it?
How can I tell Mark what's really bothering me if I don't know? But what if I do know, but I don't know how to phrase it into words?

I guess...

I'll just...

Go...

Ponder...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!! *squees happily*

For Christmas I got:

A 24" HD TV (Was *not* expecting that...)
History of the Undertaker
A Big Evil T-shirt
A Nightmare Before Christmas shirt
A Z-Day check list shirt
An Emily The Strange Shirt
A 25$ gift card to Barnes and Nobles
A 35$ gift card to FYE

(*I put down an Randy Orton and Edge shirt, but they were all sold out...So, maybe for my Birthday?*)

I'm having a GREAT Christmas this year... Santa came by and ate my cookies and milk. (*Made them look like Christmas Trees...hehe*)

Gonna have dinner at noon.
Ham, Cheesy potatoes, green beans, reg. potatoes. Pie...Yuuuuuuum!

Happy Anniversary.

(*To Mark from Sa5mwise. Write a response letter back, if you want.*)  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby,

                Happy Anniversary! Where do I begin? It’s been one hell of an adventure being married to you. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs, but our love has been strong enough to pull through it all. I’m honored to be your wife and your mate. I’m happy that you’ve stayed with me. That you chose me, out of the entire woman you could’ve had, to spend the rest of your life with. It’s been a ride, hasn’t it?  

                What is there to really say? Sure, we’ve come close to breaking up, but we’ve always managed to come through. I hope I don’t ask too much from you, or have you thinking I have you on some high pedestal, because I don’t. I just want you to be you. I’m not gonna laugh at you, or mock you for something, or just because you have a thought.  

I may seem rash, out of control, or whatever, and that’s because I am. I may seem like a bitch and cold; I am, only because I have to be. I don’t want people thinking they can step all over me. I’m a hard ass and may see like I don’t care, which, at some times, I don’t. Hell, whenever we talk, or another member of the pack and I talk, I have to watch what I say. What I say sometimes, will hurt people. That’s why people hate me.

But you? You broke (and still are, or trying) through my barriers. I don’t let very many people close or trust very easily, and when I do, I show it in my own way.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, thank you for being mine. Thanks for showing you care enough about me that you’d do anything for me. Thanks for truly making me laugh again.

I couldn’t ask for a better husband and mate. Just, don’t turn me into an obsession, thinking you have to constantly be around me or have to have me touching you at all times, or always confessing my love for you every five minutes, because frankly, I’m not. I’m not like that at all. I’m sorry if you thought I was. I’m not a doll or baby. I’m not like those human women you’ve been with. I can handle whatever you throw at me.

Love Always and Forever,

Sa5m

Mark.

Sacrifice

                What do you want me to say? Do you want me to say I’m sorry and make it all better? What’s become of us, now? My vengeful death, why are we broken? To say I’m not in a funk would be lying…I wish the fates would make up their fuckin’ minds…

                My sweet sacrifice, where do we go from here? I meant what I said, but why isn’t our love prevailing, like it usually does? I can’t live without you…

Your Guardian Angel

By: Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm strong
I have figured out
How this world turns cold
and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find
deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall(let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all(though it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

OI!

I’m done

By: Sa5mwise

                I’m done with all your sick, twisted fantasies. Go ahead and record all your fuckin’ sex tapes…I’ve had enough. I had an epiphany today. I was wondering why the fuck I was letting myself get whored out and let other people in the pack jack off to me having sex. I’m DONE! Take your tapes somewhere else. 

                If it seems like I’m being an unfair bitch, that’s fine. You don’t want me, I’ll fuckin’ leave and go have sex with somebody that doesn’t sit in the same room and fuckin’ record me… At first, I didn’t care, but now? I do. 

Hey Yo!

3 more days until Christmas!

I'M ALL DONE *CLEANING* MY ROOM!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
All that's left is the organization part...and cleaning my closet, finishing up my closet and to re-vacuum. Then.I'm.done.with.it.ALL!

Went to the dentist and found out I have 8 fuckin' cavitites...EIGHT! I brush and floss 3 times a day...(*Then again... I haven't been to the dentist in over 2 years...soooo....*)

Got my Christmas shopping all done! Whoot!

Mom woke me up at 6am so we could go to Wal-Mart. Told her it was a good thing because the assholes aren't out and the brats are still sleeping. Hehe... >:3

Aaaaand...I think that's all I have to report...

Later...
Sa5mwise.

So Tired (by Ozzy)

(*To Dave from Shyanna*)

So Tired

By: Shyanna Marie Batista

Dad,

                They say home is where the heart is… I don’t really know where mine lies… I’m glad you’re happy… When I moved away to live with Bran and his pack in Seattle… I wanted to get away from all the screaming arguments you and mom had… Mom and I talked about what went wrong and I understand her part… I want to talk to you about it… To sit down and just talk… but you’ve started your own little family… I’m 17 years old and without a dad… I understand that you’ve moved on… but I can’t keep it in anymore…

                I don’t even know where to start… Do you regret having me? Ever regret staying around… I used to idolize you, growing up…but now? It’s time to say goodbye… I know it may make you cry… But I’m so tired of waiting for you to come around… It’s ok… Maybe I’ll see you again in the next life…

 From,

Shyanna

There goes my life

(*To Shannon From Ana*)

Daddy,

                You said you’d always be there for me… to never leave my side… but when you and mom got into that big fight, always arguing… you left my sight… you left my side… When I was born, mom said you claimed “There Goes my Life” by Kenny Chesney… Do you ever regret having me? Sometimes…I feel like you do… You never call, never write… Am I a disappointment? I’m sorry… for anything I might have done to make you hate me…

                I look in the mirror and notice I have your green eyes, mom’s hair… I don’t know what I can say now…I’m all grown up now… I’m 16 years old… I need you around, but every time I call, you don’t want to talk to me…

I’m sorry for anything I might have done to you in the past, present and/or future…

Love,

Ana

Blehg.

4 days until Christmas!

Donated blood today...pretty sure the doctor who drew my blood was gay...(not that it matters...)

Mom made me a fuckin' dentist appointment tomorrow...>.<

If that dentist does anything funny, he's losing his balls.

*sigh*

More later, I guess...

Tooth

Still 5 more days til Christmas.


Pretty sure I'm high on pain pills...

Blegh. Still *trying* to clean...but... I keep falling over... Randy finds it amusing...Mark...he's concerned... Dunno why...*shrugs*

lala

5 days til Christmas!
Mom threatened the Christmas Pressie's unless I:

Clean my Room
Clean my Bathroom
Take out my Trash
Organize my room
Do my laundry 

Aaaand that's about it. I have 5 days to do that....

*sighs* Oh boy...fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun! (*NOT!*)

More Later...

Sa5mwise

Father.

I say "Fuck you" you say "What?"

You heard me loud and clear. Now read my lips. "F-U-C-K Y-O-U!"

What don't you understand about those two little words? Are you deaf or just dumb? How many times do I have to repeat myself?

God, your dumb.

Blegh.

Sweet, sweet death... How I yearn for you to come to me.

I yearn it
I dream of it
I want it
I need it.

I want to be your demise... You're sweet, sweet, demise. I will welcome you with open arms and I will wait for an eterinety for you to come. Some days, I want to die, just to feel that sweet release... I wrote on an English paper, "I should feel happiness...but all I feel is...nothing"

Why am I in this funksville? Am I naturally depressed? Do I need to be admitted into a Mental Hospital? I just want to be happy and carefree...Moving to Vancouver, I've been more depressed than happy. Breaking down more often...My mental state of mind is strong, but it wavers. My strength, wavers. I'm to far away from home to be in any kind of comfort. I don't feel safe here...

Here?

It's drama...drugs...booze...sex...lies...

Does it ever stop? I've gotten involved in the lies...the booze...the drugs... I'm not that innocent little girl anymore...

Will I ever find my peacE?
maybe some day...

Burlesque

I sit here, staring off into space. My thoughts, are puzzle pieces. I try and piece them together, but pieces keep changing on me, making it near impossible to fit them. I sit here...trying to figure out what to write down... I can't figure it out... I can't think...

The music I listen to is having no effect on my mood as far as I'm concerned. I constantly replay Skillet's "Monster", because it fits me so well... I turn up the volume, hoping to drown out my own thoughts, only to gain a headache in the process, yet, I continue to listen.

Maybe I'll have later inspiration to actually write...

Mark.

Bu-Bump…Bu-Bump…Bu…Bump…

                My heart beats for you, my sweet disaster. The times we’ve spent together fills my heart will happiness and fulfill my darkest dreams. The sound of your voice brings a smile to my face, knowing what it does.

I love you…Forever…and…Always…

                My sweet death. How I yearn for your touch. When we’re apart, I feel like a part of me is missing. Like I’m separated from the only person that loves me; I never thought about taking on an older lover, sure, I’ve had my share of one night stands, but you, my sweet nectar, are sweetness in my mouth. You’re kisses are like a drug, always have me yearning for more.

                You’re more than my friend. You’re more than mine. You’re…unique. All the drama we’ve been through has been nothing but shit. Stupid bitches have tried to tear us apart, but our bond, my sweet death, has always prevailed.

                I look forward to giving into the greatest surrender of all times, my sweet demise: You.  

Out of Funksville?

9 more days until Christmas!

When the bell rings at 2:05pm tomorrow, it's the start of Christmas Break! Whoot! *Happy Dances*

That's the only thing that's brought me out of my Funk, knowing that Christmas is nearly here.

Mom threatened to take away my Christmas gifts if I don't do my homework or clean my room... .>.<
So, I'm cleaning my room first. When I get that done, I have to vacuum. I'm doing laundry.

Laundry.
A girl's enemy. It's never ending. I hate doing my laundry, but it must be done.

Went to Krispy Kreme's today. :D:D:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D!!!
(They're a rare treat in my house)

Blegh. *sighs*

I have no inspiration to write....which is bad.

More Later...

The Biker and the Singer...(In-complete)

The Biker and the Singer

By: Sa5mwise Gamgee

                She found him exotic. A forbidden chocolate; she loves what she can’t have. But little known to him, she has a sweet tooth. And she’ll do anything to make him hers. Even if that means indulging in a little chocolate; because in the end, she always gets what she wants.

                She smirked as she watched him from her spot on her Harley. He was talking with Baltus, one of his biker buddies. Today, she would make her move. She got up and walked towards them. Her leather skirt, which hugged her ass, was swaying with every step she took. Her buckle boots were knee high, shined in the sun as her tight, leather corset hugged her curves and cupped her breasts. Baltus wolf whistled at her as she passed them. She merely smirked to herself and headed into the bar, but her forbidden chocolate stopped her.

                “Have t’be 21 t’go in there, lil lady.” His rough, Texan accent rang out. I turned as my smirk grew.

                “I’m 24, Biker.” I replied back. He shook his head, as if he didn’t believe me. I took out my wallet and showed him my driver’s license. It was an Alabamian license.  

Samantha M. Winchester

D.O.B: 1986

Eye Color: BLU

Height: 5’7

Sex: Female.

He handed it back as she put it away, hands on her hips. She headed into the bar as he followed. He found her sitting at the bar, sipping on a beer. He sat next to her.

                “People call you Sam for short?” he asked, trying to strike up a conversation. I nodded and stroked the bottle.

                “Yup…Call me Samantha and I’ll slit your throat.” I threatened, a slight playful tone, but mostly serious.

                “What are you doing all the way in Texas?” he asked, ordering himself a beer. I glanced at him.

                “My band and I are on tour. I’m the lead singer of LoLiTa…” I said, shrugging as if it were no big deal. “And we’re on break, so I figured I’d come here…get away from the fuckin’ city.” I finished, taking a big swallow out of my beer.

                “I see… I take it you know who I am?” He asked, not expecting an answer out of me. I was in the middle of de-toxing from all the pills I took last night. I rolled my eyes.

                “Mark Calaway aka The Undertaker…Yes, I know who you are. Do I care? No. Not really. I’m not going to go all fan-girl on you. Frankly, they can all go to hell. You’re a person. I’m going to treat you like one.” I said, finishing off my beer. I ordered another one.

                “I also know that you’re a werewolf. Can smell it; you’re also an alpha.” His eyes widened slightly in surprise as I paid for my beers and left. 

The Viper and the Wolf

The Viper and the Wolf

By: Sa5mwise Gamgee

                From the moment their eyes met, she knew she was playing a dangerous game. She only hoped she knew what she was getting into.

                Ocean blue met Sapphire for the first time. The music was pounding in the club, ringing in her ears. He was leaning against the bar, wearing a tight black wife beater and lose blue jeans. He looked like seduction in its true form. She, herself was wearing a tight, black spaghetti tank and a short black leather mini skirt. She watched as he smirked, girls flanking on him left and right. She, herself had guys flanking her, but she ignored them and went out to the dance floor and found a random guy and started grinding on him. Her eyes never left his as they darkened in desire, want and pure lust. She watched as a smirked played across his lips as he let one of the females grind on him, making her growl softly. She walked over to the bar, hips swaying to the beat as she sauntered right past him, feeling his eyes on her ass. She smirked in satisfaction as she leaned over on the bar, downing her drink as he came up behind her, hands on her waist.

                “Hey baby. Randy. ”

                “Hey sexy; name’s Sam;” she grinned to herself, turning to face him.  

                “Wanna dance?” He offered. She shrugged and glanced towards the back room. “Sure,” she answered. They headed out to the floor as she raised her hands above her head and grounded her ass down on him, moving her hips as his hands gripped them. His hands moved over the front of her skirt, fingers wanting to play. She lowered her arms as her hands joined him.

                 She was tempting him, grinding on him and practically fucking him on the dance floor. He turned her to face him as her hands rested on his hips, still grinding on him as he rolled his hips. His eyes were darkened to a midnight blue, nearly black with arousal, want and lust. She felt him apply pressure on her hips as he hissed low. She nearly smirked at the expression; he grabbed her wrist and yanked her to the back room. When they arrived, he shoved her against the wall and tore at her skirt.

                He kissed her in a hard, bruising kiss. His tongue plunging and invading her mouth as their teeth clanked together with the force. Her hands tore at his pants as she shoved them down as he bit his way down her jaw and to her neck. She tilted her head as she heard him growl. His hand found its way into her dirty blonde locks, yanking, pulling. He pulled her closer and forced her legs around his waist. He tore at her thong, shoving his cock deep inside her as she arched and screamed. The scream being canceled out with the loud, thudding music of the club; he thrust into her hard and rough. Making her bleed with the force;

                “F-fuck… so tight…” he panted, thrusts turning brutal as he so desperately seeked that sweet release. She merely moaned in response. He groped her right breast roughly, biting her nipple, growling.

                “Answer me…when I talk to you!” He demanded, eyes cold as that mischievous smirk played on his lips again.

                “M-Make me!” she demanded, panting harsh. He snarled and slapped her ass hard as she whimpered. He pulled out and shoved her against the wall face first, shoving his cock inside her ass as she arched back and screamed, clawing at the wall in pain. He kept thrusting. Pulling, tugging, yanking… In and out, pausing and thrusting in again, only at a different angle this time. He rolled his hips as she mewled in pleasure. He held her hips firmly in place, bruises forming into the forms of his hands and fingers. His right hand slipped down as he shoved two fingers inside her deeply, twisting and turning, stabbing her spot. He yanked on her hair, forcing her to arch into him.

                “Like that, don’t you, slut?” He growled in her ear, seduction dripping from every word. She nodded as he continued.

                “Does the lil slut like having cock deep in her ass?” He purred, biting her neck, thrusts going faster and even harder.

                “Y-yes! Oh God, yes!” She said, panting and moaning loudly, gasping loudly when his thumb found her clit. He forced her legs open wider as she heard the slick sounds of them fucking. She felt his smirk grow.

                “You lil cock whore…You wanna have me cum deep inside you? Having you beg for it?” He murmured, as he nipped her ear, she shuddered in pleasure.

                “Y-yes…I-I wanna feel you cum deep inside me…So fucking good…Mmm…Randy…please!” She begged him, but he just smirked in satisfaction. He lifted her left leg, thrusting deeper. She heard him grunt and grow harder.

                “Got a dirty mouth on you, don’t you?”He once again purred, nails digging into her thigh. She mewled and rested her head on his shoulder, panting harshly. 

                “Fuck yeah, I do. Mmm…R-Randy…please! Let me cum…I need to cum…so bad…please!” She pleaded, her release spiraling in fast.

                “Naughty girl, my lil wolf…” he snarled in her ear, the fingers that were in her pussy pulled and speared at her spot, his thumb moving quickly over her clit as she bucked into his hand, her wetness getting onto his palm. 

                “Please!” She begged, voice getting hoarse from screaming and begging. He bit her neck as he struck her again, she arched and came hard, spilling in his palm and onto the floor, convulsing and trembling with the force. He thrust into her a few more times before he hissed and came hard, he too, convulsing. She felt his cum coat her insides as he slumped onto her, hand resting by her head as she felt him panting, breath ghosting on the back of her neck. He lowered her leg as he pulled out his fingers from her pussy and turned her. He suckled the fingers into his mouth as they both moaned. He put his fingers on her lips as she opened her mouth, suckling them in. She swirled her tongue around his fingers. He yanked his hand away as she pouted.

                “With that sucking, you must give good head.” He said, smirking. She smirked back.  

                “You have no idea, Viper.” He smirked back and kissed her hard. She kissed back just as hard, their tongues dueling for dominance. He over took her as he slipped a knee in-between hers, pinning her hands above her head. She moved her lips over his as he groaned into the kiss. He pulled himself back as she found herself wanting more. She lowered her skirt as he yanked his pants up. Once they were both straightened up, they left the back room. She left as he stayed.

Oh yes. It was indeed a very, dangerous game she played. She licked her lips in anticipation. But she can’t wait to play it again. She only hoped that he was there next time. It now became her favorite game... "The Viper and the Wolf."

Amor

Amor

I can’t live without you. I already tried, remember? I need to have you by my side. You make me feel complete inside and make me smile even when I’m down. I can’t comprehend how much I love you, because I’d run out of paper. I’ve known that you’d always go before me, but realization just struck home tonight and I’m afraid. I don’t want to lose you. I’ve fallen so deeply in love with you, that I can’t believe it myself.

When you’re gone, I won’t be the same. I won’t smile. I won’t laugh. I’ll crawl away from everything I’ve ever known and loved. I’ll push people away. I’ll lock away my heart and surround it with the very blocks that you’ve come to knock down.

At first, I was a little hesitant on taking on an older lover, only because I knew one day that he’d die before me. But you? You’re different. I like that… I’ve got to know you and love you. You’ve helped me so much in the past months and years, you could say.

                My heart pounds as my sapphire eyes are darkened with sadness…. I can’t imagine life without you in it anymore…if you go, you’ll be taking my heart with you. Tears spill down my pink cheeks as I try and stifle my sobs. I hug my pillow in an attempt to make it you. How I’ll sit and trace you’re tattooed arms, telling you stories, just so I can hear you laugh… Make you talk, just so I can hear your voice and savor it.

                I’ll look around and see you in the garage, only to blink and you’re gone… Hear you laughing and try and follow it, only to realize that you’re not with me anymore… I’m dying a little inside… I won’t be able to hear or see you anymore… Who’ll make me laugh and smile when I’m down in funksville? Nobody can replace you…

                I love you too much to let you go. You brighten my day. Sure, we have our arguments…but if we didn’t argue, then I’d be worried about our relationship… I’m sorry…for anything I might have done in the past to hurt you…or anything in the present. I’m sorry for pushing you away all the time...

                With us, I guess it’s never goodbye… No… maybe it’s just saying “Until next time”

What is next time? How long and far would we go to be together? I’d go forever and always… Just to be with you. I don’t care about you’re flaws…I have a shit ton of them…

                I guess what I’m trying to say is… I love you, Calaway… Don’t ever leave me… I’ll die without you by my side.

Diabolus Causidicus

Diabolus Causidicus

(Devil’s Advocate)

Drip…Drip…Drip…

                The sound echo’s throughout the empty corridors on the shadow less night. His footsteps barely making a sound as he walked silently down to her room. The room he had walked to for many years, only to reassure himself that she was safe. That’s what he kept telling himself. But tonight, he came for a different reason. His actions were not his own as he opened her bedroom door silently, only to have his eyes widen in surprise. Her form, once beautiful, was now pale and lily white. Blood covered her body, her hand, which now is lying outstretched and dangling on the side of the bed, drips with the crimson beauty.

Feed off her…Kill her…Rape her…

                The demon was taunting him. Controlling him; he moved over to her bed and looked down at her form. Her beautiful blonde locks lay spread out beneath her, around her; it surrounds her small, thin frame. Her azure blue eyes, the eyes that once held love, tranquility, and peace, are now broken and glazed over. She was not yet a woman, not a girl. He reached out a hand and brushed her hair out of her face, eyes travelling down to her lushish body. She was almost fully developed. ‘Her curves have come in nicely’ the demon purred at him as he nodded. He couldn’t deny that he had noticed how she flirted with the males in the castle, how he, himself had noticed. The tightness in his pants reminded him of all the lonely nights he’d had.

Do it…Rape her…Make her yours…Drain her dry…

                He shook his shoulders as he let his hand travel down between the valley of her breasts, eyes gleaming with that of the demon. He tried to have some sense of control; the tightness in his pants only reminded him that his desire for her only raged more out of control. He took her pale, satin dress and slowly slide it off her. Slowly admiring her body; he stopped just below the breasts and just stared at them. He heard the demon purr as he continued to slide the dress down more, over her abdomen, down to the lower part of her body. His desire only grew more and more as he kept lowering the dress.

You know you want too…Hurry up... She’s starting to awake…

                That she was, he noticed; her eyes fluttered shut as they refocused on him. She started to struggle.

W-what are you doing?!... Stop! …

                She begged. The demon smirked as he bound her wrists and ankles to her mahogany bed posts. He ripped off the rest of her dress and took the silver knife that lay besides her and cut her inner thigh. The violent action made her jump in surprise. Her eyes reading fear.

D-Daddy…What are you doing?...Stop…Please!

                She begged and pleaded with him. He straddled her, pulling her legs over his shoulders, making her legs bedn at an awkward angle. He thrust deep into her, striking her deep in her very core. He grunted as she arched up and screamed, hands tugging at the cuffs. Pulling, yanking, clawing; anything to break free;

W-why are y-you doing this? … Please…

                She whispers, tears rushing down her doll like face as he thrusts deeper, slicing her with the knife at every thrust he made. When he twisted his hips, she yelled, causing him to smack her.

Now bite her! …Yes! We’re so close!...

                The demon purrs, seduction mixed in with excitement, which caused him to thrust even faster. Each snap of his hips, the tug on her already bruised legs, the arch in her back, caused him to go as fast as he can. He threaded his fingers into her beautifully, blood soaked locks, causing her to cry out. Blood ran down her forehead, from the roots of her hair, from the force of his yanking. His other hand, which held the knife, cut on her left breast. She whimpered as he smirked down at her and licked the blood. He slashed her right side, blood immediately pouring out, like a broken dam.

Cum! Cum deep inside her!

                The demon commanded. He arched his back as her eyes widened.

N-NO! NOT INSIDE! Please…Please! Not inside me!

                She screamed, not noticing how she tightened around him as he once again arched his back, grip tightening in her hair as he pulled the knife back. He roared his release as it shot deep within her. He stabbed her in the neck. She coughed up blood as it poured from between her pale lips. He looked up at her, panting from his release only seconds ago.

Kill her…Drain her dry…

                The demon said, taunting him with those forbidden words. He dragged the knife down from her throat and into her chest. He watched all the crimson spill from her pale, porcelain body.

Enough…Now, let us go…

                The demon commanded as he complied. He pulled out of her and got dressed. Knife still in hand, he carve only two words on her upper thigh.

Lentus Diligo

(Tough Love)

Lesner

(*This is an RP story...*)


I was in the recording room all by myself, recording my new song when I felt strong arms wrapping around me. I automatically thought it was Mark, so I leaned back into him. He started trailing his lips down my until until I glanced down at his arms and froze. No tattoos. I started struggling as Lesner chuckled darkly, arms tightening.
"Aw. what's wrong?" He purred, hand slipping up my shirt and across my chest. I started struggling and elbowed him in the gut.
"Let me go!" I growled as he pushed me onto the couch, snarling.
"Nobody can hear you. Nobodies here but you and me, slut!" I kicked him, but that only shortened my skirt more. I cursed as he smirked again and pounced. He forced my legs open and thrust into me, tears leaked out of my sapphire eyes as he thrust into me harder. I could feel blood coat his dick as I continued to push him off.
"Bitch. You're in human form. You don't stand a chance against me!" I whimpered loudly and continued hitting him. He was right. I didn't stand a chance. He continued to tear into me, tearing my walls, leaving scars. He arched and cam deep inside me. He got off me and got dressed.
"Thanks for the lay. What do I owe you?" His smirk widened as I glared. His face darkened as he grabbed my throat.
"You tell anybody and I'll kill you." I nodded and whispered.
"Not before Mark kills you first. He'll find out." He smacked me, growling.
"No. He won't!"
He smacked me and left me broken until morning, when my powers came back.

Reproba Gaudium (False Happiness)

Do you not hear it? The tinge of sadness etched deep into my voice, the yearning in my eyes whenever I look at you… I’m trying to tell you what’s wrong, but instead you ignore me and walk away. Why do I even bother anymore? I lied when I said I was fine. I lied when I said that I’m happy. I lied when I said that I’m not depressed. I’m screaming into nothingness and nobody can hear me. I watch as they all move forward, while I stay in the same place, frozen, unmoving. I’m afraid… The bleak peak of my existence doesn’t even matter to you. Has it ever? I ponder on this thought for awhile. Curiosity continues to plague my thoughts over that simple question. I’m trying to be happy.

                When I’m surrounded by my “friends” I’m constantly distant. Never straying far from the group because I hope of some counsel, some sort of security. While all of you laugh, talk and giggle, I’ll be sitting quietly besides you. You guys don’t give a fuck what goes on. You have no idea what’s going on… You’re oblivious. Innocent;

                I find it funny at how you think you know everything. You try and impress them, but secretly, who are you trying to impress?  Nobody cares who you are, they don’t give a flying FUCK! You try and fit in but you find out the hard way that it doesn’t work out. You’re destined to be alone. Never finding love, never finding anything that you’re good at;

                How far does the innocence go before you realize that you’ve been lied to your entire life? How far would you go to be oblivious before you have to face the facts? Nothing is ever certain… You dream of false hopes and dreams, wishing for a better reality. You wish for something better for yourself and what’s in your life.

                When I’m sitting in a dark room all by myself, I stare at my reflection…No…Not in the mirror…Through the eyes of somebody else. I try and tell you something but it blows right past you and hits a brick wall. My sapphire eyes are tinged with tears…They spill down my porcelain face as I scream for constant help…nobody hears me cry…Nobody notices me bleeding from afar… I watch as you all move forward as I stay frozen. Not moving. I stay apart from the group but I do not wander…Don’t you hear it? The tinge of sadness etched in my voice… The fear of never being enough… Never finding out what I’m good at… I’m destined to be alone forever and for always…I’m a constant bother, a weight, a burden on your shoulders…when is enough?

                 When they ask what’s wrong, I merely shake my head and say that nothing’s wrong. When they ask me what I’m thinking, I merely shrug and say I’m not thinking anything. But I am thinking something… I want to tell you so bad, but I don’t know what I want to say… When they ask me why I don’t care, I reply that I do care…

                In the darkest of nights I sit on my roof and ponder what I could have done to be a better person… What life would have been like if I didn’t know you…? But to my much disappointment, I do know you… You ask how mom is and I keep telling you she’s the same, even though you don’t really care. You say you care about me but you don’t.

                Why am I constantly plagued with the nightmares of always being the one left behind? Is it because I’m bound to this life? My soul is bound by the chains of failure and disappointment. I’m weighed down by the looks of disapproval and shame.  I cry out as my sapphire eyes are once again filled with salty tears… It’s a never ending battle with myself… I choke on my tears, the very breath I dare to breathe day to day… The very life I try to live is filled with fake happiness and sorrow. Always one to disappoint, you never let me forget.

                Maybe I’ll find my happiness somewhere else in this fucked up world. It may not be with you or anybody else…but I can maybe find that spark of hope that I had lost a long time ago… I dare not hope or dream until I know that I can make it a reality… Until then, I’ll continue to smile and laugh along, because that’s what I do best… but is it really?

~Finis~

Nap.

All I needed was a nap. :)

I feel slightly better. My hearing is still for shit, though. :(

*shrugs* Meh. TGIF!

My Rant. Part 1.

15 more days til Christmas.


I hate this. My hearing is for crap and I get blamed for shit that I didn't do. I get glared at. Thanks for treating me worse than dad does. Some fuckin' family you are. I WAS having a good day til you ruined it. 

Fuck you. Go die. I don't really fucking care about you. You treat me like crap and you don't even care. Maybe if I died I'd be one less mouth to feed, I'd be one less person to worry about. Then I can point down from my heaven and say "FUCK YOU!" and laugh at your stupidity.

WHOOPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16 more days til Christmas.


Gave mom my Christmas list.

Went to the doctor. Doc said I have an ear infection in both ears. Right one is worse than the left. On an antibiotic... Everything was more muffled today than it was yesterday.
I'm getting tired of hearing myself talk. Damn, I'm annoying. lol. :) (*Jk, Jk...JK!...>.< *)

*sighs* Nothing new...OHHHHH!!!
I GOT OUT OF MY HUMAN ANATAMY CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm now a TA (Teachers Assistant) for the 800 wing clerk. (*I write admits, passes, pick up mail, etc*)

Well, More later.
Until then.

LET IT SNOW!

Yeahsureyoubetcha.

17 more days til Christmas.

Have I ever told you I hate getting up at 5am? I wouldn't have gotten up at 5am, but my fuckin' ears were hurtin. Might have blisters in them...Gonna have to check with the nurse tomorrow morning. They still hurt. I clean my ears out with Q tips.

I'm afraid of my second period teacher. She already tore me a new one, I really don't want her to yell at me anymore...

Been having a bad vibe all day after my talk with one of the assistant principals...Hmm. Who knows.

I'm tired as all fuck, but I have homework to do. No time to nap. (*Well, dammit! I'll MAKE time!*)

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Yeahsureyoubetcha. 

Peace,
Sa5mwise Gamgee.

Update

18 more days til Christmas.

I went a full day without a fever. Going back to school tomorrow.

New episode of Glee was on. Watched it. Loved it.

My throat still hurts like a bitch, lol.

Nothin' new to report, I guess.

Until then,
Dream of candy canes and presents!
Love,
Sa5vage Sa5mwise.

Baking

I'm in the mood for baking... That's not odd, is it?

I'm coughing. Dizzy, my back hurts....

Been watching M*A*S*H alot...

Is making a double chocolate chip cake...gonna make peanut butter brownies...Mmm! :D

Still have a fever...was 102.6 when I woke up, after my shower it was 101.6....it's 100.6 right now. >.<

Anywho...

Nothin' much to report, I suppose...