Do you not hear it? The tinge of sadness etched deep into my voice, the yearning in my eyes whenever I look at you… I’m trying to tell you what’s wrong, but instead you ignore me and walk away. Why do I even bother anymore? I lied when I said I was fine. I lied when I said that I’m happy. I lied when I said that I’m not depressed. I’m screaming into nothingness and nobody can hear me. I watch as they all move forward, while I stay in the same place, frozen, unmoving. I’m afraid… The bleak peak of my existence doesn’t even matter to you. Has it ever? I ponder on this thought for awhile. Curiosity continues to plague my thoughts over that simple question. I’m trying to be happy.
When I’m surrounded by my “friends” I’m constantly distant. Never straying far from the group because I hope of some counsel, some sort of security. While all of you laugh, talk and giggle, I’ll be sitting quietly besides you. You guys don’t give a fuck what goes on. You have no idea what’s going on… You’re oblivious. Innocent;
I find it funny at how you think you know everything. You try and impress them, but secretly, who are you trying to impress? Nobody cares who you are, they don’t give a flying FUCK! You try and fit in but you find out the hard way that it doesn’t work out. You’re destined to be alone. Never finding love, never finding anything that you’re good at;
How far does the innocence go before you realize that you’ve been lied to your entire life? How far would you go to be oblivious before you have to face the facts? Nothing is ever certain… You dream of false hopes and dreams, wishing for a better reality. You wish for something better for yourself and what’s in your life.
When I’m sitting in a dark room all by myself, I stare at my reflection…No…Not in the mirror…Through the eyes of somebody else. I try and tell you something but it blows right past you and hits a brick wall. My sapphire eyes are tinged with tears…They spill down my porcelain face as I scream for constant help…nobody hears me cry…Nobody notices me bleeding from afar… I watch as you all move forward as I stay frozen. Not moving. I stay apart from the group but I do not wander…Don’t you hear it? The tinge of sadness etched in my voice… The fear of never being enough… Never finding out what I’m good at… I’m destined to be alone forever and for always…I’m a constant bother, a weight, a burden on your shoulders…when is enough?
When they ask what’s wrong, I merely shake my head and say that nothing’s wrong. When they ask me what I’m thinking, I merely shrug and say I’m not thinking anything. But I am thinking something… I want to tell you so bad, but I don’t know what I want to say… When they ask me why I don’t care, I reply that I do care…
In the darkest of nights I sit on my roof and ponder what I could have done to be a better person… What life would have been like if I didn’t know you…? But to my much disappointment, I do know you… You ask how mom is and I keep telling you she’s the same, even though you don’t really care. You say you care about me but you don’t.
Why am I constantly plagued with the nightmares of always being the one left behind? Is it because I’m bound to this life? My soul is bound by the chains of failure and disappointment. I’m weighed down by the looks of disapproval and shame. I cry out as my sapphire eyes are once again filled with salty tears… It’s a never ending battle with myself… I choke on my tears, the very breath I dare to breathe day to day… The very life I try to live is filled with fake happiness and sorrow. Always one to disappoint, you never let me forget.
Maybe I’ll find my happiness somewhere else in this fucked up world. It may not be with you or anybody else…but I can maybe find that spark of hope that I had lost a long time ago… I dare not hope or dream until I know that I can make it a reality… Until then, I’ll continue to smile and laugh along, because that’s what I do best… but is it really?
~Finis~
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