The fuck?

23 days til Christmas.


Sitting in this room, surrounded by walls. White walls. Posters are all around, but to me...the room still feels empty. Every laugh, smile, hug, kiss...it all feels empty. I am nothing but a shell. I am your puppet and you control my strings. You continue to bring me down with you. All your faults, all your problems, you manage to blame them on me. Who am I? My name is Samantha Marie, but it's only a name to a body. A body to who isn't perfect, who isn't skinny. No guy would ever desire a body like mine. I don't know what it is about me, but I'm sinking...sinking into a well of forgotten and nobodies looking for me. I'm just a name to a face, another child, another mouth too feed.

When it's all said and done, you won't remember me. As I'm continually surrounded by walls and continuing to be non-existent, is it such a bad thing to be unrecognizable? Do I truly want to fit in? After years of trying, I realized that theirs no way in hell that I'm ever going to fit in. I'm me. I rely on myself. I can only trust myself. I go along because I'm afraid to voice my opinions. I'm afraid you'll reject me or laugh at what I have to say. You constantly beat it into me to keep quiet, speak when spoken too. How do you break out of your shell...Your comfort box that you have known for so long? A life line that you constantly rely on to bring you back to your save haven?

I have trust issues, but then again, who doesn't? She betrayed my trust so bad that I can never trust again. I keep it all to myself in hopes that nobody will notice the girl that sits in the back of the room. Why is this happening to me? I realize that other people have it worse than I do, but constantly looking down on myself, it was how I was raised. I want to be better than them. I want to prove that I can make something out of myself without being ridiculed about what I wear, how I do things, who I hang out with. They have to realize that I'm not that little 5 year old girl who realise on mommy and daddy anymore.

Sure, I've had dreams of wondering what life would have been like if my parents had stayed married. My dad would have gotten abusive, I would be submissive as fuck, I wouldn't be me. I'd be a shell of myself and I'd be in my own hell. Sure, I have friends. I've never fit in, never made a name for myself. I'm a constant embarrassment and I'm ashamed of myself. I want to be the girl they talk about in the halls, I want to be the one who dresses differently, who has a style all of myself. I want to have my confidence back. To be the girl that nobody fucks with.

I want to be the one that brings a smile to your lips whenever you say my name. I want to be the one that you love. I want to look in the mirror and have more confidence then I'd ever have in years. My best friend turns out to be a fading bond, fading fast. Back home, I was always constantly stressed. I had avoided being admitted into a mental hospital by a last ditch effort. I wanted to kill myself, I started cutting, not eating, not talking. Always locking myself up in my room. I avoided everybody and anybody that I could. I wrote that I wanted to kill somebody. I saw a therapist, I didn't want to be there. I was against it. I didn't want to be there. In and out of therapy, they never put me on any drugs, except Ritalin, to help with my ADHD.

I told them that I'm fine. That everything was going to be OK. I was always stressed the fuck out. The cop at the school knew my first name. The principal knew my first name. The assistant principal knew my first name. They knew I lived. I was constantly on their watch list. They watched me like a hawk. Making sure that I wasn't going to kill anybody or harm myself. When I brought up the subject of moving to my mother, I made it as a joke. I didn't want to move. Everything I had ever known was there in that small ass little town. But my mother took my seriously and before I knew it, my father showed up.

My father. The man who verbally abused me as a child and threatened to hurt my mother. He beat us down verbally and pretended to be the "Perfect father figure". I saw more of him when we were moving then I had seen in 6 months to 2 years. He's always beating me down with his violent words. What he thinks his harmless, is harm to me. He thinks that he can carve me into his perfect little daughter. He wants me to be skinny, get good grades, join in on family. I'm not that girl. I will never claim to be that girl, I realize that now. I tried and tried for years to gain his approval, but nothing was ever good enough for him. His side of the family is still trying to mold me into the perfect, non-existent little angel.

Vancouver, Washington. My new home. Moved the Summer of 2009. When I first got here, I figured that starting a new school would be fine, everybody would leave me the fuck alone. They wouldn't care to know anything about me. They wouldn't care about me anymore than I give a fuck about them. But over time, I became more relaxed. I started to "figure" out who I really was. I quickly made a friend on the first day. I did make other friends, but they weren't truly my friends. They all just ignored me and figured that I'm nothing more than another accessory. Quickly, though. The new friend I had made, had become my best friend. For that, I'm grateful.

I feel suffocated within these walls. I can't breath, I can't move. I'm trapped and surrounded and there's no exit. Why am I feeling this way? I keep asking myself over and over again. Constantly alone, I figure that nobody gets me. What I'm thinking, I haven't a clue. Sure, things go through my mind, but I don't know what it is. Quickly, remorse gets a hold of me and it has a tight grip on my soul. It keeps squeezing and squeezing, it's grip, never ending, never stopping. Time, goes by and everybody moves on. I'm afraid to speak my mind for I will get berated down and told to shut the hell up. I don't know how to respond to that anymore. I'm nothing but a clay and you mold me into however you want. I want to be free. I'm caged and I want to leave. I quickly latch onto you, hoping that it's real.

I'm constantly plagued by the words you speak. I'm done letting it get to me. I'm done with you and your stupid little games. I'm just wondering when you're going to cut me lose. I'm not your friend, I'm not your daughter. You lost all my respect. I want nothing more to do with you. I say fuck the world and everybody in it. But, something always reminds me that you'll be back.