Where Do I Belong?

Where do I belong? I ask myself that question over and over again...

I know I'll never get back my friendship with David...
I know I'll never get my back friendship with Shannon...

I feel like I should stay home with Seb and Dean... But I know I should keep my place at Mark's side... But a piece of my heart yearns to go home...

I'm torn... I'm torn at what I want, and what I believe in... What should I do? My heart and my gut are confused at what they want...

My sleeping is getting better...I'm just way more tired than I should be... I just wanna sleep and never wake up some days...

It's hard, I guess you should say... Y'know?

"The darkness keeps me from shining my light through" -- Darkness, Twizted.
"There's nothing but darkness in me" -- Darkness, Twizted.

Is that true? I keep falling deeper and deeper into the darkness without even knowing it until it's to late...

I dress in black, but I'm always true to my values and my morals.
I color my hair because I'm different.
I'm different and weird because to me, that's my normal.

I don't care what other people say. To me, all I hear is white noise. My response to that is a mere "FUCK YOU!" or "FUCK OFF!"

Nobody accepts me, my family sure as hell doesn't. They try and mold me into something I'm not. They'll never understand why I do the things I do... I don't feel comfortable wearing bright colors... Yellow's, Pinks..(*I'd never wear pink. EVER!*)

In my room, all alone. It should bring me a sense of peace, but all it brings me is solitude. The smile I wear is sometimes real, but it's all a lie. Everything. Is. A. Lie.

Life's fucked up. Society bends people to be their bitch, always going along with the social norms... But if you don't go by the social norms and branch off, you're considered a freak of nature... A sin... A forgotten child... And to some, just another mouth to feed.

Where Do I Belong?

Hehe

I finally did it. I chopped off all my hair. I got it super short... The bangs are purple and the rest is black. I hate the fact that my bangs are so fucking short, but I'll deal. I mean, they'll grow back.

I'm tired... My ankle and both knees hurt. My back hurts.

I have to sit in the fucking dentists for TWO fucking hours tomorrow all so they can mold a crown. It's fucking bullshit.... But, again, I'll deal.

I'm hungry... For what... I dunno.

I'm awaiting plently of shocks tomorrow. *Laughs evilly*

Dream.

Ugh. My back kinda hurts... Getting my hair done tomorrow...

My mom's a fucking bitch.

I had a pretty weird dream when I was napping:

I was going to school, like any other normal day. Only today, wasn't a normal day. I got up at my usual time-- 5:15am. I showered and dressed, I grabbed my laptop, journals and a couple of books and I put them all in my GLEE bag. I headed out into the living room to find it all dark, meaning nobody was up. I slipped on my shoes and I headed out towards the bus.

After school, my friend's boyfriend David was there. My friend Lyzz and I headed out towards his car. We slipped in as he started driving. "Could you drop me off at the Greyhound station?" I suddenly asked. They both looked at me, surprise filtering through their eyes. "Why?" David asked. I chewed on my bottom lip and looked out the window before back at them. "I'm... I need a break from this place...Please, guys?" I asked them. He nodded as we drove off towards the station.

We arrived as I grabbed my duffel bag out of his trunk. I hugged both of them and thanked them, I headed to the ticket booth and waited in line. It was my turn as I looked behind me, nobody was behind me. I looked back at the person and bit my lip again. "I need a ticket to Cameron, North Carolina, please."  The lady looked at me, rang up my ticket and I gave her the money. I looked at the time and realized I'd be leaving soon. I thanked her and headed back towards Lyzz and David. "Don't tell anybody... Please, guys..." I practically begged them. They glanced at each other before back at me. "We won't, Samwise." David said. 

The bus was starting to load as I hugged them one last time. I headed off towards the bus and gave the driver my duffle, I customized it so I would know which one was mine. I got on the bus, GLEE back still on my side as I looked around. I sat in the middle as the bus started loading. Once it finished, it pulled out as we were on our way. I put in my earbuds and turned on some music.

A few days later found me in the midwest. I breathed in that familiar Minnesota air as I stretched my back and legs. I found another 'Run Away' like me. She was 17 also, She's acually from Portland, Oregon. We got to chatting as she said that this was her stop. We shook hands as I got back on the bus as it pulled away. There were less people on the bus as I sat in my spot, looking out the window, like so many days before. "Ain't you a little young, t'be runnin' away?" I heard from behind me. I turned and glanced. It was an old Southern lady with white hair with kind eyes and a kind smile. "Nah...I'm not 'sacally runnin' away, Ms..." She smiled. "Why, you ain't more than... 17? Why are you runnin' away?" I shrugged. "I need t'get away from the town and the people I was livin' in..." She nodded. Turns out she's from Cameron, a grandmother to be exact.

We got to talking and I found out, that, no shit, she was Matt and Jeff Hardy's grandmother. HOLY SHIT! I thought. We arrived in Cameron a few days later as we both got off the bus as I looked around. I got my duffel and smiled at her. "Now don't you forget to stop by, Sam." She said. I nodded as I started walking away. "Where you stayin', while you're here?" She asked me as I shrugged. "I dunno, ma'am... Honestly..." She hummed. "I'm sure we'll see each other again, I mean...After all, Cameron's a small town..." I mentioned as she laughed softly. I turned and continued walking. 

I managed to snag a motel room. I quickly showered and dried off. I looked at my phone, the battery was out. I was comtenplating on calling Lyzz...Telling her I made it all the way to North fucking Carolina, but I thought against it. If my mom called the cops, they might trace the call...I shook my head and got dressed. I grabbed my GLEE bag, I put my lap top into my duffel as I left my room. I locked it and put the key into my bag. I headed down and started walking. I found this small diner place as I walked in. In the corner, I found the lady from the bus, along with Matt and Jeff. There was only one table left, and that was next to them. I made my way over and sat. The lady noticed me and smiled. "This is sudden!" She said. Both brothers looked over at me, eyebrow raised. "Boys, this is Sam..." I offered a shy smile as they introduced themselves. The waitress came over as I ordered a milkshake and fries.

"Where're you from, Sam?" Matt asked me. I glanced up from my writing. "Vancouver, Washington..." His eyes widened slightly. "That far? What're you doin' all the way out here?" I shrugged slightly. "Like I told your grandmother...I needed a break from everythin'" I said, voice quiet. My food came as I slowly munched on it. I was tired. I was hungry. I didn't have any friends out here... But, if this is what being alone is, then I'd be more than willing to pay the price. "You like writing?" Jeff asked, I shook out my hand as I nodded. "Yeah... I do..." I looked down in my journal as I realized it was more than nearly full. I kept writing in it over the past few days on the bus.

I don't know if I'll ever go home... I had only placed one night at the motel. "Where are you stayin?" Their grandmother asked me. "The motel...Just for tonight..." I answered, voice quiet. I quickly finished my food and shake and paid for it. I quickly left as Matt quickly caught up to me. "Hey... Why don't you stay with us? I mean... If you want." I looked at him and nodded. He gave me the address to his place as I thanked him.

Another sleepless night found me with my stuff, waiting for Matt. I was just about to make another night when he pulled up. He got out and put my stuff in the trunk, but my bag stayed by me. We both got in as he drove off. This was one hella nice car, I smiled to myself and looked out the window. We arrived at his place as I found Jeff and Shannon, with Kimo outside. Beth was there too. We both got out, I slung my duffel on my shoulder and followed. I walked past with my head down, hair covering my face as he showed me the guest room. I put my stuff there and joined him back downstairs. Introductions were made as I sat on the wooden stairs and lit up a smoke.

The sun went down as I watched the bon fire, getting lost in myself. I felt someone touching my hair as I jerked back, I looked up at Beth, who smiled at me. I offered a small smile in return as Jeff sat next to me. "You have a pretty face... Don't cover it by your hair..." Beth said as I shrugged slightly. "Why're you all the way out here? The real reason." Jeff asked me. I looked at him, before looking back at the fire. "Honestly... I really did need to get away... But now... I'm scared, I'm alone... But if that's the price of actually being alone, then I'll pay it... I was always alone, even in my group of friends... I always feel out of place... Like I don't ever belong...Maybe I'm trying to find myself... Or maybe I'm just running for nothing..." I stated. I smoked on my cigarette.

A few days later, I went to the pay phone and I put in mom's number. Her voice answered. "Hello?" I stayed quiet. I had been gone for a little over a month, meaning it was February now. "Hello?" she asked again. "Mom..." I said, my voice quiet. "Samantha?" She asked me, voice, shocked. "It's me..." I said. "Where are you?!" She asked me, I could hear Tom in the background. I heard Grandma too. "I-I can't tell you...Mom...I'm sorry...For everything..." I said, my voice trembling slightly. "I don't know if I'll ever return. I'm sorry for all the trouble I gave you... But I'm almost 18..." She started protesting. "I'm sorry I caused you any pain, grief or worry..." Then, I hung up. Tears went down my face as I punched the wall next to the phone.

I then called Lyzz. I heard David and Steve in the background, making me smile. "Hey, DD." I said. I heard everything go quiet. "Samwise?" She asked. I laughed softly. "Yeah...It's me..." "Where are you?" She asked. I knew she had me on speaker. "Cameron...North Carolina." I said. "Holy shit..." I heard Steve curse. David whistled. "How have things been?" I asked. "Well... Your mama came and asked us where you were, but we told her we didn't know... She called the cops, man... They stopped searching when she called off the search..." She stated as I nodded. "I just called her...She sounded like shit... My grandmother is there..." I sighed softly. "I don't know if I'm coming back..." I stated, voice quiet. 

Just then, I woke up.

Rain

I guess I don't really know what to say, y'know? My room's a mess and I really need to clean it...
My homework's fine... For now...

It's been raining alot here...

Rain, Rain Go away
Come again another day
All the world is waiting for the sun.

-- Rain, Breaking Benjamin.

All-Nighters...

Well.... It's... 7:10 Sunday morning... Everybody is still sleeping... Sigh...

I wish it was February 2nd...Cause then I don't have gym anymore... Then I can go home at 1:05pm insteada 2:05pm...

I FOUND MELLO YELLO AT WAL-MART YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That made my whole day.

My friends're getting married.

I think I might clean... After I shower... Cause according to Glenn, my room's a mess...

I got so hyper yesterday, I put on "Don't Stand So Close To Me/Young Girl" (*The Glee version*) and when the chorus came on, I jumped on my bed and grabbing my hair brush and sang it. I danced too.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQV9asyL0xA&feature=related

Oooo...It's starting to get light outside. (*FYI, When I'm tired as all hell, I find even the stupidest things amusing...*)

Or I'll get up and start dancing to "Proud Mary" (*Glee Version*)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAJ3LgeV2rU&feature=related

Or...The Time Warp (*Glee Version*)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t3CWk6dSdE&feature=related

Yeah... See how easily bored I get?

More later

My Day.

Well, I'm home from my PT... I found out that my left leg is slightly longer than my right. So now I'm noticing that I'm walking with a slight limp...Kinda...Sorta. I have to go in every week for 4 weeks... *sighs*

My stomach's been hurting really, really bad today. It felt fine this morning, but into 2nd period and 3rd, I was bent over in pain. Then, during 5th, sharp pain speared into my belly, making me whimper. I bit back a cry of pain and clenched my jaw. My stomach still hurts, as does my back. *sighs* My body's just broken...
Has no way of getting fixed.

Other than that, my day went OK. I took a lil cat nap before PT, so now the pain is keeping me awake. The thing with my pills is that I can't take IB Pro fin or Excedrin with it. They said something about me double dosing.

I got a fucking referral for not dressing down in gym today. I mean, HELLO! I was in fucking pain, I told my friends I didn't care if she docked me points... but a REFERRAL?!? Is that really NECESSARY!?! Oh well. I'll take it like a man and suck it up.

I was having really bad stomach pains in 3rd period, so I asked him to gouge out my stomach:

Me: Would you gouge out my stomach?
Steve: Would you prefer a rusty knife or a rusty spoon?
Me: A rusty knife and butter spoon...
Steve: ... Butter spoon?
Me: I know...It sounded good... Sounded better when I thought it.
Steve: haha... That's what she said.
Me: Brat.

So yeah, that's my convo...

More lat

All Nighter....Again!

So, I pulled another all nighter. These pills are making me itchy. I have physical therapy at 4.

So, in over in "A Pack's Tale" I was kinda possessive of what's mine, I don't really think he cares, because he's totally amused over it. Smirking that hot lil smirk... He knows what it does t' me.

School is going to be hell. Especially 3rd period. I wanna either, Gouge my eyes out, Slit my wrists, or kill the teacher.

Gah! My funk came back last night, and now it's gone... I'm too tired to be in a funk... I don't have the energy for it... *sighs softly* So, while I'm waiting for school to start, (or when I have to leave), I'm listening to Pink's "Whataya Want From Me" (I mean, she DID write it. She gave the song over to Adam Lambert, but she still sings it. I love it.).

I'll have more after I get home...

Lat.

Post Depression

I got up at 4pm. Fuck...My...Life. The depression has dwindled down to hardly anything...Now? I just want to be left alone... I don't feel like eating... Talking... Don't feel like doing much of anything... If we had a couch, I'd lounge around on that all day....

Might color my hair black and blue... Really want too... Maybe just black...

I don't know how to explain it... I just wanna... Read and Write... Listen to my music... I wish my room was still black... I wanna get rid of all my colors and replace them all with black (*Seeing as half my closet is full of black anyway...*).

I'm tired... My back hurts... Sigh...

Bored.

Well... No school tomorrow. Thank fucking GOD. I guess I should clean...
I really wanna head back to MN to see my sister... *sighs softly* I really miss her. Alot.

My life consists of:

Staying up.
Showering
School
Homework
Volunteering (Only on Wed)
Eating.
Chatting with friends
Cleaning
Reading.

Repeat all of the above.

Fun, isn't it? *sighs* Can't wait until college.

Well...

More later, I suppose.

New Blog

*Talks in the Godfather, Mafia accent* So I made this new blog, see? This blog will serve my purpose until I am done wit it. Do not test me...because on this day...On the day of my daughters wedding, I will do you one promise. My promise to myself was to make that blog and I did.

Apologise

I guess I don't really know what to write, seeing as my mind is being preoccupied with other things... I keep listening to Apologise over, and over again... Trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong...

All the memories of us flash through my head all at once, some slowing down that make me smile. The one's of us at Bora Bora...Hawaii...

I'm tired and I'm worn down, but I've still got fight in me...I won't admit that I'm tired... I guess I'm too stubborn like that...

Guess I don't know what I wanna say... What do I say?

My heart aches...
My head hurts...
My guts confused...

Pack Children stories, Part 1.

My Story

By: LiLi

                My name is Aaliyah Ruby Hardy. Yes, my father is none other than Jeff Hardy. My mother is singer Samantha Calaway. I’m eight years old and I have medium blonde hair, blue greenish eyes and I wear glasses. I’m slightly overweight, and I’m quiet. I have other siblings. My older brothers, Gabe and Junior; my older sisters, Aleu, Lilli, Shi and Ana; most people just call me Aali, for short. Unlike my siblings, I prefer to be left alone and just hang out in my room. You’re probably wondering what I do in there. Well, I read, watch TV and do my homework. I’m a bit of a music junkie and I also play some guitar.

                For awhile, Mom and I lived with my grandpa and Uncle Dean, with the pride. Until she decided it was time for me to meet my dad. Let me tell you, when she told me my dad was Jeff Hardy, I almost didn’t believe her. But when I saw him, I knew it was true. I had his green eyes, well…Kinda. Mom says I get my addiction of skittles from him. It’s not my fault I’m addicted to skittles, have you had just one skittle? My aunt Abby got me hooked on Caf POW! S. Oh, I’m also Telepathic, but my mom says that I can only hear people’s thought that’s it.

                When I moved, I thought I would have to share a room with one of my sisters, but I didn’t. (Even though Lilli and Mia share a room, which is kind of weird, because Mia likes pink, where as Lilli hates the color…). I got my own room and I painted it Black and Red. It’s huge! It has its own bathroom and everything! I have my desk, a window seat, a built in wall shelf and a small bookshelf. I have a little wide screen TV. I didn’t ask for all of this, but dad kind of went over bored. I always keep my hair up, either in a pony or braided. Right now, it’s a rainbow color, thanks to my mom.

                When my dad told me he was Bi, my insides just froze. Even though he told me he loved my mom very, very much and if it came down to it, he’d choose her. I didn’t know what to say so I had him leave. After they left, I just sat there for a long while. I couldn’t read anymore so I turned on some music to try and help clear my head. What could I say for that? Yeah, I’m for gay rights and what not, but when your own father tells you he’s bi, what the hell do you say? I’ve been avoiding him so far, but I’ll have to tell him how I feel.

                Oh yes, along with me being slightly overweight and glasses, I have a stuttering problem. I’m a very shy person and would just prefer to be left alone (like I stated before). My uncle Matt hated me right off the bat. So I kicked him in the shin and ran to my dad’s side. My parents are weres. They’re both wolves. (Though, my mom can shift into any animal she wants…). Just like her pack (my mom’s) and Mark’s pack, except for Shawn. (That’s right. I live with HBK). He’s human and he’s married to my Aunt Kura. (Who’s a were snow leopard, I swear, she’s a ninja too, but she denies that fact with a twinkle in her eyes). I’m a huge DX fan, but shh.  I closed my eyes and listened to Metallica’s “Turn the Page” my favorite song.  

Muwahaha.

So, as you may have noticed, I changed my background for Valentine's Day. Well, they didn't have any birthday Balloons, cause my 18...that's right...read it: 18th  birthday! WHOOT! So, I'm currently watching some old WWF/WWE matches... Mmm...

Kane.

Kane,

Do you think we made a mistake? I know you said you wouldn't harm the child, but how can we be so sure? I'm not doubting you, I just...wanna make sure... I'm not sure I want to mother this child... I'm sorry... Just... Give me time...

Sam.

Depression

Ah. How you're sweetness lives deep in my soul...Waiting...patiently waiting to silently strike. You're like a snake, deadly, silent... Your venom is a deadly poison.

You intimidate me, pulling me closer and closer to the darkness. I am a child of Satan. I am the Devil's Plaything. You think you scare me, but you're only dragging me closer to my sweet release.

I don't know what I can say to help you, What I can do.... I'm sorry.... I'll try...

Your devine words places a smile on my lips, a cold warmth to my soul. You live to make people miserable. But by now, you're a cold visitor...One who stalks me...Day and Night.

Depression, I hate you.

Today.

Went to bed at 5am. Got up at 3pm. *sigh* Woulda slept longer, but one of my friends came over and woke my tired ass up. Went shopping with the 'rental unit today... That was kinda fun... 2 hour late start tomorrow, I'm happy about that.

I need to clean my room and do laundry. *sighs* Oh! Got 2 new CD's today. (*I checked for Fozzy, but they're all out...*) I got:

Cradle of Filth and Dope. (*Both good bands...*)

Still need to clean my room up... *sighs* Aaaand do homework. But what the fuck, dude. lol.

5am

My tired eyes look at my glaring TV as they try and focus on what lays before them. My aching body is yelling for bed, but my alert and running mind demand my attention... It's 5am and I can't do anything but sit and do nothing... My bed is clearly yelling at me louder, but... I can't snuggle.

Drunken Rant part 2

The puppet in disguise hangs by her strings, forever bound by her rope, a slave for her enternal master. He pulls and she obeys, like the obediant little slave that she is. His wish her command. One day, she'll be free from her puppet hell, but until then, she will forever be his puppet slave.

Drunken writing part 1

The heart beats not once, but twice. The steady rhythm reminds me of a war drum. Bump...Bump... But while the heart races, the mind is slowing down. Slowly... Silence fills the once full void, until there is nothing left. Suffering. Pain. Ending it all, the gun calls to you. The drum picks up as you reach for it. Bumpbumpbumpbumpbump.

Running Up That Hill by: Placebo.

This song explains my mood.

It doesn't hurt me.
You wanna feel how it feels?
You wanna know, know that it doesn't hurt me?
You wanna hear about the deal I'm making?
You be running up that hill
You and me be running up that hill

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building.
If I only could, oh...

You don't want to hurt me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?

You, be running up that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and me won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
Be running up that building,
If I only could, oh...

'C'mon, baby, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let me steal this moment from you now.
C'mon, angel, c'mon, c'mon, darling,
Let's exchange the experience, oh...'

And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places,
Be running up that road,
Be running up that hill,
With no problems

'If I only could, be running up that hill'

Mine.

(*I was talking to myself early this morning... Italics is Selene....*)


Mine. He will forever be mine...They will always be mine. Keep your hands off, you little slut. You used to have them in the beginning, but now, they're all mine. You even look at them all funny and I will rip your god damned head off. I hate you. Hate the fact you had them first.


My heart sinks more and more. Maybe it's my own god damn insecurities, but I know what my gut is telling me. My head swirls with thoughts that demand be pondered on. He had them first... In some way, he still has them... I know... It hurts. You know what would happen if you went back and read...I did know, but I didn't expect it to hurt this bad... You're breaking your own heart... You're pushing them away... You're being irrational. That maybe so... But I know what I want... Don't I? Yeah. You want them... But he had them first... Dammit all... Maybe, given the chance...He'd want them again... Would you hand them over? If they wanted him too, then yes... I'll submit to the darkness fully, because I am a child of Satan.


I won't admit that maybe you've won... Maybe I'll just stay out of your way. Let you have them all. Would it make life better? Maybe it would... Maybe it wouldn't. You know Mark, Randy and Hunter couldn't live without you... I know. They need to learn not to have me there. Get their feet under them. Would you really sacrifice your love for something so stupid? Maybe. Only if it was true... Even though it's not, the possibility is always there. Lingering in the back of my mind... Yeah...Just like everything else is. You've talked to them about it, taking to Randy... How he'd get that look in his eyes whenever you mentioned his name... About what they did way back when... It broke your heart but you refused to tell him... Or show him... Yeah. I'll never show any sign of weakness. I'd rather die first. You don't wanna hurt anybody, but you can't keep holding it back... You have to risk somethings...Why not risk your friendship and your love? Because I've done it before... I'd slit my wrists... I'd shut out the world... So sure, I'll risk it all...


What was his name again? I keep forgetting... You don't forget, bitch... You insulted yourself. Fuck...I did. I don't care...


You have your own man now. Keep your fucking hands off mine. I may be possessive. You may have had them first. You may have loved them first. But I get everything else that you never got. You know what that makes me? It makes me happy. So back the fuck off, bitch. Or else.

YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Having my friends over is a blast. We come up with new inside jokes, old jokes, reminisce every time we're together. It's 2:56am and we're still having a blast. Mark's been keeping a close eye on me since they came over... Guess he's just paranoid. But he's still hot while he does so.

Anyway. He's not liking this one guy (*Who I met along time ago on a trip to Disney Land, he's slightly older than me, not by much...*) and he YM's me to leave a red rose... Well, he practically smashed my lap top because he called me beautiful. I haven't been wanting to talk to said guy, so I'm thinking of deleting him from my YM list... *sighs* Oh well...

I guess I'll have more later.

I don't care.

Slowly, the realization sinks in. The very words you try and ignore, finally break through your defenses. I cover my ears to try and block out the harsh words. Slut! Whore! Bitch! Cunt! I should be used to these words, having hearing them often. But when you hear them all the time, I let it slide by, but alone, I cry... Never loudly, always quietly. Never alerting anybody else... I'll deal with this pain on my own...

The mask I wear is solid. Nothing passes it, nothing penetrates it. I'm fed up... I lash out. What have I done to you?! Fuck you! LEAVE ME ALONE! I scream and I scream. I'm falling into a never ending cycle of doubt and fear. I'm free- falling into the never ending darkness... All my memories flash in front of me, all out of my control. You're the slut, bitch. They all know you're an easy lay. They don't love you, they love what a good fuck you are. The words are harsh, but I know they're not true... But I'm having my doubts...

I thrash around, trying to escape the harshness of his glare, I scratch, bite and claw at him... Trying to erase his memory forever. I look into my mirror and punch it, watching the shards of glass tumble down, cutting my arms as my hands shake, bloody and pieces of glass lodged into them...

I don't care.

I haven't done anything to you. I'll kill you. Why do you pick on me? I don't care about you, never did. Hated you from day one. You don't belong here! You're right. I don't. You'll get whats coming to you...I threaten him, but he doesn't seem fazed. All he does is smirk. I want to wipe that smirk right off his fucking face.

I've grown numb to it by now, the insults come as a second nature to me. All I do is ignore you now... I may be a whore, but at least I'm a better person than you. I tell him, my voice emotionless. My eyes, lost their light whenever he's around...

One day, I'll get my revenge. He'll get what's coming to him. But for the time being, I'll fuck him over. And it's all because:

I don't care.

Violence.

Gone goes the feelings of peace and tranquility. They are replaced with unreliable rage and violence, tugging, pulling. My entire being, every fiber of my being is consumed by the violence that lingers. I yearn to destroy something, to kill something. The violence only grows as my feelings of hatred grow. Once has this happened before. I was in a trance, trashing anything around me, screaming in rage, throwing a violent fit... I awoke from my trance to find my room completely trashed, everything around it torn to pieces. My hands, bloody and my knuckles bruised from all the damage. My mirrors, lay broken as my blood drips onto the broken pieces. Slowly, the realization comes to me as I realize that I did this... I trashed my room...I broke everything...

I was thrashing. These nightmares are hell. I wake up in a cold sweat, panting, gripping my blankets tight as I try and shake off the lingering dream. I tasted blood in my mouth, as I realize I must have been biting my lip in an attempt not to scream in horror. Night after night these nightmares plague my every thought, my every word...

Tonight, the rage is irreplaceable. I want to destroy something.... I want to lose control. I want to lose the rage and the violence. But there is no feelings of peace or tranquility, not now, not yet.

Hey.

So they're talking about surgery. *sighs*
Took a nap and now I have a stomach ache...
Had a hamburger and fries while mom had steak.
I had some dessert that had cheese cake in it, (*I hate cheese cake, but I forced it down, just because I'm polite and nice*).
Some Russians sat next to us (*Well, across from us*) and they were speaking Russian, so I leaned over and I told my mom that they're from the Russian mob, and that the older guy's the head cheese and the guy across from him was his second in command. Hell, I think I convinced myself. Was really tempted to go up and ask if they were, because I mean, they spoke English, so I heard one of them say, "How much do you want for it? When do we have to deliver it" and "Where's my money?" DUDE! Total clues!

My day went ok. I had Starbucks this morning, but I didn't have any panic attacks this time! Whoo! And for a chick who didn't sleep at all, I wasn't that tired, must be because I had something to do all day to keep my mind occupied. But after school, I started getting tired. Got home and I took a nap and now I'm up again.

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY!!! HAHAHA! I get to clean and do laundry! (*Mom's threatening my Lappy if I don't clean, so I'm gonna clean...*) God, my dad's a total assclown. *sighs softly* If he does come out for my graduation, he better not fuckin' ruin it! I'll only graduate High School once, I wanna do it right the first fucking time. He screws it up, I'll fucking KILL him!

Sleepless Night

Thank GOD it's Friday. I can so take a nap when I get home today. :)

My uncle was admitted in the hospital-- again. He had a cat scan done, so my mom will see what's going on tomorrow with that. *sigh* The people there probably know them by first name.

I'm tired...so very, very tired. Damn sleep insomnia! Grr!

Ana and Shan seem to have repaired a very minor fraction of their relationship... *sighs* If they can get a semi- relationship going, like Dave and Shi have, then I'll be happy... 

Aaliyah... she's very quiet, shy and she has a bit of a stuttering problem. She's really polite and minds her manners. She just likes to sit back and observe. She's smart, though. Really addicted to skittles. She doesn't like being called "Lilone". Hates it. She prefers to be called "Aali" or "Liyah" but only her close friends/family get to call her "LiLi". She's 8 and she has medium blonde hair, which is always up in a pony or braided. She has bluish green eyes with glasses. She's telepathic. (*Meaning she can read people's thoughts*) but she can't communicate with it. She just hears their thoughts. She has yet to determine if she wants to be a were or not. She gets real embarrassed at things, (*I.E. Sex, talking about sex...etc.*). She prefers to be left alone and hangs out in her room, listening to her music. She's a big of a music junkie.

But, she has yet to take the news of her daddy being Bi. She seemed...fairly calm when he told her last night... She'll probably avoid him for a few days, then talk to him... Or not bring it up at all. She's for gay marriage and such. She said it just hits to close to home.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh. Today's gonna suck. *sighs softly* Oh well.
I'm off to shower.
More later.

Sa5mwise.

Take me as I am.

Baby, don't turn out the light
I wanna see you look at me
Whisper only truth tonight
Not just promises and empty fantasies

I don't need a bed of roses
'Cause roses wither away
All I really need is honesty
From someone with a strong heart
A gentle hand
Who'll take me as I am

Baby, I need for you to know
Just exactly how I feel
Fiery passions come and go
I'd trade a million pretty words
For one touch that is real

I don't need a bed of roses
'Cause roses wither away
All I really need is honesty
From someone with a strong heart
A gentle hand
Who'll take me as I am

From someone with a strong heart
A gentle hand
Who'll take me as I am

I love the way you look at me... The playfulness in your eyes...the mischievousness that lingers... The grin that'll be placed on your lips... I love that you have both bite and bark. I guess you could say that we're fucked up, but to us...That's our normal...

Catch me when I fall.
Kiss me when I get hurt
Smile at me when I'm down
Laugh at me when I do something stupid.
Cause baby...
It makes me love you more.

Sam.

Guys.

Guys,

I guess I read to much into those steamy romance novels... I used to be able to tell anybody anything that was on my mind... But now? I guess I've calmed down waaaay to much... I'm not being true to myself...Not anymore... It's not your fault... I used to do anything... I was just to emotional or something... but... I don't even know what to say... The truth would be nice, wouldn't it?

You know I haven't been sleeping all that well-- Or not at all... I've tried sleeping pills... They don't work worth shit... I should've been able to take you both, pain or no. I just...I wish that sometimes, you would be rough with me... Talk dirty... Call me names... Curse...Growl, snarl... whatever. Yeah, it's nice to slow down...but sometimes, I need variety...

I don't know what to say... I'm at a loss of words... I know you both love me...very much... And I too, love you, very much...

So after staying up all night-- again...I've been thinking and pondering... Maybe it's just me... You say I'm bringing you pleasure, but am I really? Maybe... Just maybe... we need something...new... You know I'm open to just about anything... 

I know I'm tired... I know you're concerned... But look at it this way... More time for us to talk, if you want...

I'll write more later when my brain is funtioning with caffine/suger.

Love,
Sam.

BLegh

I stare up at the ceiling, wondering when sleep is going to come. My clock says 4:45am. I get up at 5:15am. The blackness of my room only reminds me that at times like these, I am alone. I stare up at the darkness, thinking, pondering. Seconds turn into minutes...Minutes turn into-- The lyrics for Dope's "I don't give a fuck" start playing as I swing my tired, aching body over the side and slap my alarm off. I start my day.

Gator

Went through some old baby pics of myself...*sigh*

I hate Mondays. I about died in Circit training today... I hate that class.

I'm passing the 12th grade! :):):)

6 months til I graduate.

Dentist appointment tomorrow. :(

I'm starving...I'm always hungry...Like, ALWAYS. (*It's weird... Cause before I was like...Never hungry...*)

More Later.

HI

My spirits have lifted considerably. Ever since my friend said she was bi (or Les, I forgot which one) and that she was dating this chick... Makes me wanna find someone. *shrugs* Or maybe it's the Caf Pow talking...

Caf Pows. Now I see why Abby's so addicted to them. hehe.

More later.

Strawberry Sa5mmi.

Intense.

I woke up at 8am
I ran into the bathroom
Fell to my knees
And I retched.

Tears poured down my porcelain face,
Pain flared in my back and my sides
As I dry heave into the toilet
Nothing in my stomach

I sit back on the wall,
Trembling and crying
Wondering what the fuck
Was going on

My hand settles on my belly
Stroking, I noticed that
My hand is shaking
I swallow back the lump
Only to have it come back up again.

I flush the toilet and turn on the shower
I crawl into the tub,
Clothes and all.
I lay there.
Trembling and crying

After awhile,
I get out and look in the mirror
Dark circles are under my eyes
My hair clings to my face and neck,

I look like hell
I think to myself
I open the door and lay on my floor
Curling up into a ball.

I grasp my head
One hand, over my heart
It hurts so bad,
I wanted to scream

I clench my teeth
As another wave of pain hits me.
I'm as quiet as a mouse.
Never wanting to alert anybody else.

I pass out for what seems like hours
But in reality, it's been 30 minutes.
I crawl over to my laptop and see Kat messaged me.
I sit up and I type
"Hey" 

My fingers were trembling.
My arms hurt...
My cuts are burning me.
I smile because I know
Sooner or later,
Everything will be okay.

Turn The Page

How do you express what you're feeling into words? Putting on the smile is as hard as making them believe that you're ok. But you have that one person who truly cares about you and what do you do? You push them away. You don't want to drag anybody into it, but you hurt them more. You tell them you're ok, that everything's ok, but it's not, the harsh part is that they know you're lying... They let you lie because they want to believe in the lie also... 

Depression is a bitch, I should know because I've been having more funks since my sleeping problems have started. Maybe if I get enough sleep, I'll be back to myself again... But with school starting, and all the homework, community service hours, college and eventually moving, and packing? My time will be consumed with that. Always keeping my mind busy so that I don't have time to think about the funk I'm in. But when I lay in bed and look up on my ceiling, my mind starts to wind down, dwindling down into the nothingness that was there before. Only feelings of guilt and suicide.

That's what you have friends for, in this fucked up world. Friends are whatever, but Best Friends are FOREVER! Never forget that. You feel that pain in your chest, thinking that nobody cares about you... That they want you out of their lives, well, fuck them. I'm stronger than that because I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Not anymore, that is. Back then, I used to care...Alot. I went as far as to start cutting, trying to relieve the pain, I wanted to die... I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to be popular, I wanted to wear all the cool clothes that the skinny barbies were wearing... Now? I don't. I don't want to have anything to do with them. They know I'll fuck them up if they get to close. I intimidate them... Just like I want.

There will always be a helping hand always ready to help you. Don't think just because one person doesn't care, the rest don't. I care... That's why we cliq so good, I guess. Everybody has their ups and downs...You know what that makes us?

Human.

Sad Sunday

I have to go back to school tomorrow... :(

Next semseter starts on February 4th...(*To long in my opinion*) Where my schedule with change. Instead of having Circit training, I'll have an early realease. (*Meaning I get to leave at 1: 05, instead of 2:05*).

Might color my hair tomorrow. Blue?

*Sigh* Oh well......

Truth, Part 1

Do you want me to tell you the truth? Are you sure you want that? Ok. Fine. Have it your way. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I miss him...Dave, I mean. Yeah. Sure. We fought (still do) alot. Yelling and screaming, til one of us runs out of things to scream about. It was then I knew he cared. I miss his presence. But he has you. It hurts when you talk about him. A sharp pang goes through my body, paralyzing it with fear and dread. I know he's happy with you. Hell, shi sees it too. But right now, this isn't about Shi.

If you wanna keep talking about Dave, that's fine. I'm numb to that now, have been since he left. We'll (Dave and I) never get our old friendship back. The time for that has passed. The only thing we have in common now is our kid. What else do you want me to say? That I still have feelings for you? Feh. No, I don't. You and Kat're happy.

Shannon...Lord...Ana wants nothing to do with him...But that, is for a different day.

Hey!

I'm a crazy motherfucker.
These sleepless nights are
Fucking me up.

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away...

That's how happy fairy tales go.

Mine? Sure, it's a happy one.

One upon a time, in a world that lived a girl named Sa5m. She couldn't tell her friend how she felt, in fear of sadness and rejection. She's crazy and she's blonde.

How does that sound? I think it sounds good.
You?

Yo

My eyes are tired.
My body is aching.
They won't let me sleep.
All I ask for is a weekened in peace
To be left alone.

I will see them on Monday.
Why can't they leave?
Can't they tank the hint?

Part 2

Everybody has problems... Why should I bother them with mine?
You expect me to always help you out...
You see what I want you to see...
But on the inside,
I'm aching...

I wanna be left alone
In my silent solitude
Pulling back from everything
I've ever loved.

Pulling back
From everybody I ever love.
Friends...
Family...

I'm always depressed
It seems like
The smile on my face
Isn't always there.

I put on a show
Maybe the smile is real
Maybe it's not
I feel like I should be sorry
For causing you all this pain.

Can't you see I'm hurting?
I'm not laughing...
No witty remarks

My meditation...
Is fucked...
I'm dying...
My friends are dying...
I'm powerless to stop it...

I'm sorry...
For not being a good friend...
My advice is shit...
Though...I'm not sorry
For the shit I did...

Depression of '11, Part One

This depression is slowly killing me.
Tearing me apart
Limb from limb

It's an emotional toll
On my body and my mind
I want to rest my tired eyes
I want to rest my tired, aching body.

I'm tired...
So very, very tired...
I want to sleep and never wake up...

I want to go to a place where
I'm happy and smiling...
Not one where
I'm depressed and sad...

I want to die
So won't you kill me?
Put me out of my misery
At least then,
I'll be happy...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT'S FINALLY 2011!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SIX MONTHS UNTIL I GRADUATE!
44 DAYS TIL I TURN 18!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My New Year Resolutions are:

Get A's next semester
Don't go shopping as often.

I still can't believe it's 2011 already...Sheesh.