When I'm gone

When I’m gone

By: Fragile Heartbeat

                I watched my casket being lowered; I watched my dad and brother trying to be strong. I watched my husband and mate crying, trying to remain strong. I watched my daughter tug on Randy’s pant leg, asking “Where’s mommy going? Isn’t mommy coming back? She promised she would read me a story, daddy, where’s mommy going?” I watched Randy break down in tears and hold her close. I watched my pack sobbing. Watched Nate break down for the first time; I heard him say they’ve lost more than an alpha, more than a comrade. They lost a best friend, a sister, a leader. I watched my family break down; I watched as dad started crying. The strongest man I know…crying. He lost his wife, his mate…now he lost his daughter. He only has Dean left. I watched him walk off and look up at the sky, begging and pleading. I heard him say, “I need her back. I need my baby girl. You took my wife from me…why did you take my daughter? My lil girl? I just got her back. It’s too soon. Please. Bring her back to me.” I watched him hit his knees, sobbing. I watched Shawn crying as he spoke the words that would bound me to the ground forever. Watched as Kura read when he couldn’t talk. Watched my pack huddle together, trying to remain strong for the other. Watched the once strong pack stand still, eyes all misty and trying to stay strong. My heart broke.

                I watched Eddie consol Rey. Telling him that he’s with me; that he’ll watch over me, to keep me safe; I watched as Jeff looked up, tears going down his face. Watched as Mark spoke to my grave; I heard them all talking, crying, sobbing. Why me? Why did I have to go? All I did was cause them pain. I guess you don’t realize what you had been a good thing until it’s gone. They never took advantage of me. They’re all too afraid of me. I smiled down at them and I finally spoke as they all heard me.

                “I love you guys. Stay together. Mommy’s in a better place now. Mommy’s not in pain anymore, baby. I’m watching over you now, smiling down at you. I’m always with you. In your heart, forever and for always; I’m in your dreams at night. So don’t mourn, rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice. So carry on. I didn’t feel a thing. Keep smiling, laughing and joking around. I’m just a prayer away. This isn’t goodbye. It’s never goodbye. I’m never leaving you. Mommy will read you that story, baby. I’ll push you on the swings. I’ll kiss you goodnight. Hug you in the morning. I may be gone physically…but I’m never gone mentally.  Stay strong. Remain happy. I’m proud of you. Proud of how far we got in life, how much you grew up. Listen to Nate. I’ll always be your alpha. I’ll always lead you. I’m guiding you. I’ll lead you into life. I’ll lead you into death. I’ll lead you into happiness and sadness. I’ll lead you into anything and everything. I’m so proud of you guys. I’ve got to go now for the time being…I love you guys.”